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August 1st, 2004

go out every evening... @ 05:47 am

Current Mood: in the nest again
Current Music: "waifs and strays" - marc almond

starving


i've been eating ravenously

i've not been sleeping much

i've stayed up to see the dawn again today

tonight was the full moon


now
was


but i feel out of place
like something isn't working
being around these parents
this family

what did i say to Leo?

i feel Stifled in every way

i am starving
for myself

and maybe the hunger is a good thing: a poignant reminder.

at night
when i no longer have to quiet myself for them
i come alive

and it's all virtual
: i don't have any friends here

"i go out every evening
collecting waifs and strays"

and on the computer
i find people i imagine i could meet
finding some comfort and solace there:

the intimacy of a stranger
such a de-compression from the supression of the family

so i need myself
and myself, when the moon is full, is more important than sleep

when the sun's in Leo and the moon is in Aquarius
break those boundaries
go out every night
and hold on to trees
saying "yeah"
saying "yeah"
and getting it.


all my old high-school writing
and the people i knew back then
always said " you're more alike people than you think you are "
and did i come across thinking i was so different?
i could say the difference was only for perspective
but it's Harsh right now
and i remember
feeling like a total alien:
no place to call home
drifting
through every day life
through a place i've known forever
: still not fitting in

when i'm just like eveyone else
what keeps me seperate?


i keep floating by
and find myself in the night:
whoever it is i am tonight
reflecting the moon
the dreams in the eyes of the people
who have lost the sun even more than i have
 
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Comments

 
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 1st, 2004 08:37 am (UTC)

Your live journal

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Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. I shared looking at the full moon with you last night- can only wish I knew you and were with you to appreciate your fullness..

David Graham (Los Angeles)
<divvy@earthlink.net>
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From:shamantraveler
Date:August 1st, 2004 09:56 am (UTC)
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Breathe.
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From:dominicvine
Date:August 2nd, 2004 09:39 pm (UTC)

Haaaaaa

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Yeah.
amazing how i forget that sometimes.

i learned yoga when i was 18
and it surprised me that when i came back to my parents house
i got really sick
from being so open
and being drenched in the poison
--- it's like breathing diareah through your heart
it hurts.

but i'm older and stronger
and today i just kept breathing
through all the yelling and tension
and i put on a fake smile
kept breathing
and the smile began to fit again.

Today i woke up and rolled around in love

today i saw my old teacher
and took responsibility for what happened
and he became my student
little boy
and so much love was poured out to him
and i only hope that it keeps him from making the same mistakes again and again.

isn't that what it takes?

make love
give love
which fortifies and gives strength
to share the love around
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From:shamantraveler
Date:August 3rd, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)

Re: Haaaaaa

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There is nostaligia in your words. :)
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From:aa_bronson
Date:August 1st, 2004 03:47 pm (UTC)
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Yes, well said. There are those of us who are outsiders, even among outsiders.
From:redfurrybear
Date:August 1st, 2004 04:54 pm (UTC)

Why separate?

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Just because evolution and entropy force us to perceive life as something isolated in distinct skins, we are not obliged to revel in that difference and separateness. Be alike. Settle. There are no outsiders; there is no outside to "er" in.

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