it feels different
as it does every time
when i've come back here over the years
i flew this time
and it was all very familiar
like a person
like an old friend we've not seen in a while
it's all grown up and i don't know how to treat it...
i ran into an old family friend in the supermarket/pharmacy yesterday
( i was looking for Everclear... and following this really hot motorcycle boy.. )
found her in the Wine section
she recognized me instantly... though she's never seen me with such a beard...
"so handsome, so handsome"
it was nice to see her
my mother and she used to be good friends
but... she has a drinking problem
Nice to see.
this old town...
stacks of pictures my mother left in my room
i was surprised to find
that for a short period
(a year or so?)
i was a fat kid.
i believe it was around my 8th year...
when i did nothing but play Nintendo forever
how long did it last?
not too long
i don't remember being so chubby
(no recollection at all of looking in an mirror at such pudgy cheeks)
but i do remember looking down once
and not being able to see my dick over my belly
and it terrified me!
did i tell this tale already?
when i was a boy
i was skinny;
everyone else in my family was ... not.
and they all talked about how bad it was to be fat
how ugly they were
they all stayed fat; got fatter.
they all complained about it
(which made me think Fat was bad)
and they all continued doing what made them fat
and doing nothing to change it
(which made me believe Fat meant you were Stupid)
i really didn't like fat people when i was young
like most people in America, much around the world
it wasn't til i was 19~20
(really really when i was 21)
that i noticed, more and more, that i enjoyed having sex with Fat people better than Muscle queens or skinny guys
how did this happen?
i was burgeoning in the Bear scene
coz i really loved body hair... and facial hair
that was it
and... on that turf, you get fat guys
i began to love the fat guys
remembering laying my little four-year-old head on my mother's belly
she complaining it was too fat
me assuring her it was the perfect pillow
being wrapt in the soft arms, held against the soft chest and belly and legs
of a daddy bear
mommybear comforted me, loved me and held me, warmed me: made me dinner and breakfast and snacks
daddybear told me to get on my knees and suck him: demand i fuck him for hours... or that he, Me
what a perfect syzygy of a person.
i would tell bears of my discovery
; they were often shocked
"what's a guy as handsome as you doing with a guy like me?"
(when i was more short hair, more clean shaven... looking like a model...)
i found i loved all the little hairs:
antennae for sensuality
loving to be brushed by belly or lips or fingertips
soaking up the scents and sighs of pleasure
i found i loved the fecund belly
pregnant with possibility
potential energy waiting to be used
to birth a new story or dinner or adventure
to hold my progeny
or such extra to share with me
An Obvious Trophy of their love of sensuality...
the eating of food food food
Pleasure through the body
Obvious to me:
they could make my body feel better
than someone so caught up in forcing their body to be what it's not
i was being too optimistic
and many fat guys don't like their body
and only eat Shit Junk food coz it's easy and they're suppressing their emotions
but not All
and still.. it holds some truth
love and optimism are a good lens sometimes
comes from all sides...
i love fat guys now
to a fetish:
the thick thighs
the curve of the belly...
i've always been a sucker for big furry forearms and fingers
that has nothing to do with fat
just greek gods
Daddy (of all)
Where was i?
i found this picture of me being fat
imagined for a moment if i'd stayed that way...
but now i walk and stretch USE my energy all the time
i'm not better than others:
it's just my way.
strange being here with my family:
they all believe they are right.
i know this is "normal"
but it's so frustrating.
am i this way?
i know i must be
but not to such a great extent
it's so difficult to be around them
all believing they are right
so everyone else is wrong
the pictures served to remind me of many things
as lots of what i've been doing here has
living in a world of memories
not all that attractive for me.
back in '98
my father asked me to come back here and de-construct my room
(i had posters and pictures and cut-outs and so many things...
slinkies, christmas lights, collages: the room was a bastion against the boredom and blankness i experienced here)
so i did
and that trip
combined with when i left in '97 to head west
pretty much completed my stage here
: i got rid of everything that meant anything to me
and anything that i left
so this week will be much more difficult for all of them
i'm just floating through it.
there are snags:
i always think of a man i seduced when i was 14
i was looking through some things
and found his pictures
and looked at him
and thought >> is he really attractive? would you still want him? <<
and also thought that these pictures were taken in his early thirties... it's been over 10 years now...
(mmm, he's probably grown thicker)
and yes, he's heavier
i've had so many fantasies about him over time...
i remembered when i was living in Arkansas
i imagined the perfect dad/son sexual fantasy for me then
would to not have sex with him
us having separate lives
but wrestling every day
for an hour or more
and that wrestling being a metaphor for me working out all my issues in life
my body being defined and strengthened by this struggle with my "lover"
see: that's how most of my relationships are Anyway
and wouldn't it be great if it was all on the physical level?
i don't know how to change that.
thinking of him
seeing his pictures
my heart opened up like a swirling black hole
pain wringing the edges
so many mis-understood things swirling around the other side
i wish i could go into there
and figure it out
un-tie that knot i made then
...i've done that a bit with him in the past
.. it was my last wrestling match with him that allowed me to stop being so afraid of my emotions and move towards them
--- i know the physical act is a ritual
and that's how i work...
the day went on
even last night
i looked up his father's telephone number on the internet
and called today
got his mother
and ... she gave me his number
and talking with him on the phone
it seemed so out of place
: the colours didn't match
his wife answered the phone
and in the background
his daughter laughed and talked to him...
what was i calling for?
(how is your life? glad to hear you're not in jail... but you've not come out yet, hmmm?)
(i didn't say those things)
it was obvious he wanted to meet
although he made all sorts of noises about how much he didn't like hearing i had long hair and a big beard.
so we worked out a how and when to meet
and i felt the expectations start to build
and told him we couldn't be here
(my brother's cast judgements of him being just another dirty old man i always give myself to... concluding he would gladdly beat the shit out of him)
which didn't deter him at all
i was still thinking of perhaps just talking over dinner
and he asked me
"you wanna wrestle?"
could i do?
so i don't know how that story will play out
how will this muse serve me now?
edging around my family
though we've been cleaning out the closets all day
i still feel they are terribly full