Log in

No account? Create an account

Vertical Prose

December 7th, 2007

sugar and alcohol @ 12:48 pm

"if you don't take me out to dinner
i don't eat"

i used to think about that all the time
(read it on the radiohead website ten years ago or so)

for me
it's so easy to forget to eat
hours and hour
not so important
til feel a gnawing...
what is that?

some of the most basic needs are so easily forgotten

(take a deep breath)

yesterday i was finishing some left overs from thanks giving
ate some pie and icecream
and later
with jorge
i ate the other container of sub-standard ice cream

then we went to dinner
had good starchy and fatty foods

came back
ate a papaya
and that was all i could handle

but he brought out another pint of ice cream
and we polished that off...

(now, a few months ago i was eating a pint of ice cream every day... and it got to a point where i Noticed that when i ate the ice cream my skin would get itchy and my attitude would become foul -- so i began to lay off the sugar... )

this correlation became even stronger

i felt alright earlier in the day
but by the time i ate that third pint of ice cream
my whole body
became terribly itchy
felt sore and achy
and again my attitude became very irritated

i had enough consciousness to see that it was an artificial irritation
but i was still in it
so i expressed it and rolled over and slept

this morning i feel terribly hung over
... very similar to how i felt monday morning after coming home from nayland's party

i remember hearing that alcoholism and sugar addiction are very similar
relating to some problem the body has metabolising sugars

i'm just socked that i feel the same terrible hangover
sore... dry mouthed...
and the rush of the sugar high is the same as the bottle
(but the bottle dissolves everything and one falls over and slides down)

i hadn't been drunk in a long time
and it always shocks me afterwards (sometimes during)
how i think having another drink
when i'm getting drunk
always seems like a really good idea

and i become giddy
and stupid
and yet
am unable to stop myself from acting in inappropriate ways


i write this mainly as a reminder
because i always forget
and making a connection between my family's genetic addictions
and emotional destroyed states
so hopefully i won't do this any more

oh, all of you much older than i...
does there come a time in your life when it's easier to make decisions and stick with them?
simple social choices...
or is life always tricky?
Share  |  Flag |


[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)
The sugar and alcohol thing is a biggie.

When I indulge, even if I'm not hungover, my hypoglecemia kicks into gear. There are a few alcoholics in my family. When on the wagon, their craving for sweets would increase immensely.

"...does there come a time in your life when it's easier to make decisions and stick with them? simple social choices...
or is life always tricky?"

Tough question.
For me, I become more aware of the choices I need to make. But it's not always easier to stick with them. And that added awareness sometimes adds to the suffering because my head is then screaming with "shoulds".

Then for other things...it's clear, plain as day, and easier to commit.

Not much of an answer, eh?
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 10:56 pm (UTC)

suffer ye little children..


that's life, eh?

it was that way with Yoga for me

i did it for years...
but i'd stop every few months
until i started feeling really shity
then say "oh, i should do Yoga"
and i'd feel SO GOOD

then i'd stop again..

we suffer until we decide we just don't want to suffer anymore

... and sometimes we get away with a lot less suffering
but not entirely free of it

a lazy bunch we all are

thanks for the compassion
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 06:36 pm (UTC)
I definitely feel you here...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)
Things get a little bit easier with time, because you get more clear about the consequences of specific actions. At some point it dawns on you that every time you smack your head in the door it does in fact hurt, not sometimes, but every time.

But it's never really easy to make decisions and stick to them. I think it doesn't matter how old you are, even if you don't act on your temptations a tiny little voice lingers. "You know.... that door.... is a different color than the last one... if you know.. you smacked your head in it.. once.. maybe twice, maybe it won't hurt this one time." Ugh...

Don't listen to that voice.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
well, as i was saying
it's usually once you listen to the voice a LITTLE
it just get's louder and louder

each drink feeds the demons that scream "MORE!"

kinda the opposite with sugar, though
i mean, the more i eat the more ill i feel
it doesn't have the added bonus of cutting me off from my immediate emotions like alcohol does...

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
HUGZ. Yes, decisions become easier as you get older- at least they did for me. In general, it's because I care a lot less about social stuff than I used to. I like my house and my dog and a few close friends. nothing else really matters very much.

It's like at a gym when all the sexy young guys are ashamed of their bodies and cover up, while the old men just wander around naked. These older guys have the joy of NOT CARING anymore.

And ice cream is prettt nasty in general. :-)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 7th, 2007 10:59 pm (UTC)
old guys walking around naked..

in the gym.......

when you do get up here
let me take you out for some icecream
there's some really good shit here

[User Picture Icon]
Date:December 8th, 2007 12:53 am (UTC)
I'd guess it's not just the sugar that's making you feel foul, but probably the dairy, too. I have a tendency for skin problems and dairy always does it to me.

I've found that, in many ways, I've had a harder time making commitments as I've gotten older. Of course, I've developed a greater sense of freedom as I've aged and given up on the idea that consistency is a virtue.

Vertical Prose