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November 18th, 2007

Psychic Pollution @ 10:27 am

... not to nag
but i just wanted to point something out to you

when you hold judgments about people
especially people you love

it does nothing good for them
it actually Harms them

so harboring the beliefs that your father is a callus, unfeeling asshole
or that your lover is old and weak
even if, in a sort, of jest
helps them fulfill that judgement you pass on them
in fact, Asks them to

Worrying, judging
IS a form of loving

but this is where the term "praying"is useful

instead of saying
"my dad is such a prick!"
"i love him but he's going to die a the rate he's going"

sit for a moment
every night

or every time you catch yourself passing judgment

and wish them well
bless them with strength to surmount their challenges

for we all have shit we need to deal with

(variation on a note written to a friend)
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Date:November 21st, 2007 05:29 am (UTC)
i was trying to think why we sit in judgment on others. partly because it's fun to do. our little cirlces are usually pretty dull and feud-lets lighten things up if they don't get out of control
Date:November 30th, 2007 06:34 am (UTC)
"when you hold judgments about people, especially people you love, it does nothing good for them, it actually Harms them"

Hmmm... interesting. But sending them nasty-gram email telling them you actually DO hold them in judgment and then ripping them a new a**hole is okay though?

The sentiment is nice but you're gonna talk the talk ya gotta walk the walk Bud.

Here's one to wrap your brain around. "Judge not lest ye be judged."

I believe you might owe someone an apology before their next Seattle trip.
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Date:November 30th, 2007 07:36 am (UTC)
Communicating is an act (attempt) of Dealing.

holding it in just makes it fester...
and i'm just as human as anyone else.

did you read my email?

i've watched him do this over and over
and people regard us as if we're friends

we were once
and yet he treats me with no respect
as he often treats himself

yes, so i'm judged
i'm doing my part to let him know how i feel about that
instead of just holding it in

he might get an apology if he actually writes me back

every times i've seen him in the last few years he acts like he wants to talk. do things together... and then he disappears...

no matter how true or false my perception is
it is sometimes nice to hear what people think about you
said to your face
instead of behind your back

thank you for caring about him though.
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Date:November 30th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
I thought about this last night
and felt i came to a better understanding
then preceeded to do the same thing again this morning

But, when someone is full of shit
dramatic surgery is sometimes required...

that's not what i meant to say
i'm just angry
and i'm angry because of how he's treated me and other people i've known
and, again, how he treats himself

but you're right, thank you for calling me on my shit
believing that he's doomed to repeat these actions just based on his past actions is still a harmful belief to hold about him

and i do love him (as a friend, even though we've not been friends for years.. i still feel a bit like he's my little brother... and there are very few people i've ever felt that way about)

and after i responded to this comment last night i read your journal and i realized you're the one he's googling over
which is understandable, you're a hot guy
and i wish you two the best of friendship

i still persist he needs more forgiveness than apology from me
so i'll do some work on that myself
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry, I do owe you an apology for not replying to your emails. Every time i got them I smiled and inside i was happy that you sent them. But it felt it wasn't the moment for me to reply at the time. I always said later or tomorrow, procrastination. When I see an email like yours makes me want to write an overloaded email which either I'm not in the mood, energy spent or i'm gone for weeks somewhere or in my little spurts of discommunication with the world......I have lots of excuses and most of it will sound BS. Have to keep in mind I've been an internet junkie since i was 14. I think i am becoming jaded or tiered, I've been writing emails forever with too much heart and energy spent on for little in return. I have too many contacts too many people I can't keep up with their questions of where i am whats going and what am i doing. When I see my inbox I get overwhelmed at times and I just shut out and just manage what's a definite priority. I think I know how you are feeling I've organized a large group of friends to come to a show. Of the 15, 5 showed up and 3 left before the act started... I wasted so much money. And on top the girl who went bananas and loved the show hasn't contacted me since the show and thats june she hasn't said thanks or whats happening etc. And when I think about it I get angry of sorts but then I think to my self I do the same thing to others at times. So I have some patience and compassion. And i think she probably is going through a patch or something else I might never get or know..... But when we do meet and hang it's excellent and I don't hold grudges. I try not to dissapear on people more than 2 to 4 months. Honestly friendships these days for take energy attention and devotion. You could say I can drop a simple line and say "Yo" or explain "nah i'm not in the mood to go out this week and shoot on barbwired infested scapes" just comes down to being procrastinitive and lazy and being overwhelmed.

You have at some point have done things like this to others dude surely! as I've heard from others and worse.

Blonde big moustached Joe from Texas, When i saw him in Folsom he didn't let me know he was coming to nyc as far as i remembered. I was happy to see him I've had great fun memories with him and had a fun car trip with him to Maine far as I know I left in good terms with him. In folsom he gave me his number I said I'll try to call. I didn't say for sure I will call, I got dragged into folsom stuff with my boyfriend and the time to call him had passed. I have it fuzzy in my head I msg him a month or less later on yahoo and had small talk I think i said sorry i didn't call. He must of took it that I fucked him off because 3 months later when i msg him he said he thought I wanted nothing to do with him. I said what is he talking about, I had to remind him how much I liked being around him when i was and i never wrote him off.
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
When these people you mention that seemed to be hurt or annoyed by me makes me confused because they never bother to tell me seems the rumours only come to you. I'm probably unaware of something or they hear rumours. Or they just don't understand my style of being or i just don't meet their standards and that might even be a cultural thing too. My best fuck buddy who i adore to Bits sees me every 2 to 3 months he'll hear from me once or twice in between and he just gets how i manage my time and communication. Ian 2nd best ex fuck bud before him hears from me less than that. The last visit I was honored I was still in his Family list on AIM. At one point Desi was fed up with me I had to explain.. I definitely pop in and out of people's lives. My own version of my little gay brother Gabriel says I am like PROTO MAN from the MEGAMAN video game series I pop in say and Do all this cool stuff and pop out and the story continues and down the road proto man shows up again. I'd love to take the 7 train and hang out with gabriel more often or speak on the phone more often or even write but that's impossible because I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS and i'm doing other things that eat my time. And last 2 years I've been trying to deal with it better I LOVE PEOPLE thats my problem and photography has been a better channel for me to appreciate people and be less involved with them directly. When i saw you last trust me I was really happy to see you I felt really nostalgic. I'd like to say you are a friend but we're not active ones and thats ok at least for me it is. And I hae to say photography has made my communication life a dissaster It's incridibly time consuming to pickout the photos of thousands and then to process them and then to think of a creative order to release them on top of that I owe people pictures to send takes time to resize make it look right then attach one by one. If you sit in front of my computer There is a BIG list of emails of people who I have to eventually get in contact with and to your surprise your on it. Alright by now you probably want me to stop explaining the BS but it's my current reality.

I think i have a good feeling what Brendan has told you. Though I'm not sure if i mentioned negatives about you but did mention past dramas just to give him some picture of how you related to me and others but gave him my happier sentiments about you too oh and probably told him how i resented a bit that you never notified me when you were in newyork couple years back especially those days when I wrote multi paragraphed emails. And no i'd say Not at all i'm not communicating with you because you hold me in judgement and whatever you thought i thought that was I have no clue other than you always wanting me to get out of my parents.
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
As for Brendan I phoned him in the couple last hours of his last day before going to Ireland if he wanted to hang. I wanted to see him before he went but i may have called too late. He might of resented that especially after how we bonded. He's an Ace of a guy incridibly creative, caring and sweet went out of his way to help me, i'd say he's one of the few most of the coolest gay men i've known. Brendens heart and mind are light years ahead than most i've encountered. And we we're so incridibly similar for such a generation gap it seemed he wanted to share and impart on to me so much it choked him up. And one of the very few who really bothered to dig any essence out me and really did listen and actually wanted to try and see and do what mattered most to me, even if it was an alien concept or activity. I'll miss hanging out with him hope he'll be happy in London he had the best stories. Trust me while he was away in my head the voice is like Email brendan then the other voice says your beat today tomorrow especially after you process the photos of him and you and when you've actually got something interesting to say". But I know eventually i will get in touch may take longer than i intended. He can either accept that or not that goes for everyone else.

There's been so much upheaval, Breaking up with mr.asphyxia which i can say was the first person i loved. which led to a 14 paged letter which the first attempt was all deleted in a power crash and had to rewrite from scratch. Then did acid in starwood and drummed 7 days straight and had personal revelations. If you go to my flickr and for who ever is reading this it's beardedmonkeyking and see "ice drop" having a intense conversation with a killer and having to deal with my prostate had me whacked out. Then after the break up My mother and i were in a Pool of tears together which later made me sit down with my father for the first time and tell him everything about my life telling him he's loved. Just lots of intensity after dealing with the last boyfriend I felt determined to prove him wrong and start getting serious

Also when i read your email full of passive agressive comments and what felt like unfair comparisons and hidden ill wishes just was ugly and over the top I wasn't upset or angry though found it hurmourous and nice to have it mixed with blessings too, Erich didn't read but I read it to him on the phone. I wasn't surprised at all I've seen how've you've like to tear others up and fight about the stupidist things here's a quote from somone who asked if i talked to you i asked why and he gave me this quote "one moment he's Mr. Happy Hippy Go Lucky spouting deep philosophical truths, then he'll lash the fuck out of no where. His LJ journals are kinda scary too.."
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
Did Chad deserve what he got over the mung beans? Did Yacov really need all that crap from you? Far as I know you treated him like garbage his logic is funny especially how he sent you money while your in SF to not whore around as much and then you blaming him for your health issues is ridiculous several instances seemed ungrateful. And All the buncha garbage i hear from others and seening relations and friendships torn one after another and knowing all this... Hasn't made me ignore you or not want to be around you I can't even remember by detail of the crudd because i don't care that much, I don't purposely spread word to make you look bad from the gossip i hear I don't tell others to avoid you but if they ask me questions I'll might answer.

From a small sentence i've read it seems you felt you were judged by me by what brendan said If i knew what that is i'd be helpful. Your lifestyle is your path i'm envious of some of it's aspects I'm not going to tell you it's wrong, It is what it is. But i when i hear crudd about someone close to me coming from you I have the right to say what i feel about that if i wanted. it comes with the territory. If someone asks me what kinda guy Dominic is what Call it talking behind your back call it gossiping or whatever If it's being said it's likely deserved being talked about. If it gets back to you even better then you can reflect about it. it's not convienient for most to dump your baggage on you for your benefit, what should i say to your face? Why should i tell you what i think of you? maybe ask? I don't have enough beef with you to tell you what i think. If you got angry of how you think i treated others then I could make my self very angry too of how you have aswell. All I know when i see you and we hang it's great thats all i care about we're all in small circles and somewhat of an unorganized knotted community I just want to get along with everyone. You haven't crossed me or hurt me there we're some words but miscellenous not, enough to matter but to make me laugh. If i disrespected you it'd had to be little beans in comparsion from what i've heard coming from you to others.
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
Me expending my heart energy for currency???? me a whore? i've had 90 you probably had 10 times that and some for different means and reasons...... I don't get bored of my lovers like you do. These cycles you see me do? Do you even know What are you talking about? I don't have Daddies as much as you'd like to imagine Yacov as one. He's my friend he doesn't give me money for sex for even give me money or i don't even ask for it.......there has been times i asked for somethings but rarely.........I went to london with the intentions of independency I could of stayed at yacov's in comfort but didn't I squatted and ate trash out of the garbage to save $$ till got 2 jobs built my own room my scratch till i was tricked coming back to the states. Canadian John, i was 18 and stupid.. in canada, I wanted to work he promised eventually then backstabbed and abandoned too young and trusting. I don't look for older men to take care of me, you don't have a fucking clue what your rambling about but I might take help when offered...I've been trying to work and get my shit together thats why i prance around with a 3 thousand dollar camera. If it wasn't for me being tricked into being an american citizen i might be somewhere lovely in london being productive on my own and if anything yeah I have a "support crew" it's earning peoples trust and respect family I create. For Shaman Dan he is one of my soulmates and yes him as a traveller was a barrier didn't want to weigh him down and a lifestyle might not be ready for.

When i Met Erich i saw he was 1 of 3 i've known I could bond hearts with And if i do decide to move in with Erich and thats if he won't stand for any passiveness nor i would want him to.It's not another pleasure ride i'd eventually be bored of. You know fuck you on that You can't even begin to go there you have nothing to show to talk, All seems to come across as jealousy even with Yacov if you had a shred of patience and acceptance and not so busy with everyone meeting up to your integerity standards, you could of had the lion of hearts.
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Date:December 3rd, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
Instead of cursing me You blessed me with Yacov and can't thank you enough my life has been amazingly interesting thanks to him. I've been around him in the most craziest of situations where he needed someone the most and where i needed someone to talk to and much more he's 100% You knew him in a horrible period when Richie was fucking with his head I'd say you don't know Yacov whats so ever. As for him facillitating my BS that could be but i'm trying hard for it not to be the case. My problem with Yacov as you know he's incridibly ADD I stopped several other plans for his plans till i caught on I can't take every thing he thinks seriously some his ideas fly others don't i just have to back up on some and see what he does first then apply Not that he facilitates my bullshit but i fascilitate my own. Me and him had long talks of my independence he'd do what he can in my personal steps towards that. You think he was nice when i was in london? hell no he was really grinding me too hard to get a job. He was motivated to see me get dirty he didn't want another Richie on the internet all day looking for sex.

you think i want to be 30 and living with my parents or him? last week I've been helping him move into his new house tons of work to do. Crap you wouldn't believe he has to deal with like being black mailed for large sums of cash.. and i'm so glad i'm here to see him through it because if I was him I wished I'd had me. I love Yacov dearly I'd appreciate you don't mention to me another utterence of bullshit with his name attached and if your wondering which i've heard you've didn't want to believe i only had sex first 3 weeks of knowing him he's my best friend and he's family. You may think i'm doing what you have done in the past i think it's slightly similar but very different. I may have a reputation as a flake that disapears that comes and goes and of that of a freeloader but i don't have the repuation of tearing people up new assholes and exploding in anger making a dramatic mess. I'm just a guy who's trying to find my way after many people fucking with my shit. And i'm sure that's likely your case too. I always hoped you were doing well and your ok, i'm not the kinda guy to wish someone shittyness because of their past actions and then put a Happy face for them later. This mesage is bloated enough as it is, and again you do deserve my apology in not responding i wasn't trying to tell you anything with silence. I wish you peace and thanks for hoping me being well, maybe you'll come by sometime and have some soup with me and Yacov ;O) till when ever chowdy!

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