Oh, where has all the time gone?
i just fell down a video-game hole
and languished there for at least five hours...
i bought a Game Boy Advance cart last month (or before) called "Tales of Phantasia"
and it's all but a rip-off of the ".. of Mana" series
they use the word "mana" to describe the life force of the planet
that which makes "magic" possible
and the source of it is a Tree
many of the villans are the same, but done in a different artistic style
and the whole interraction system is different
kinda like a blend with Final Fantasy..
which the first "... of Mana" game was, kinda, anyway
so, i bring this up because it's easily engrossing to me
something i've been happy to give my time to
especially when i need a break from myself
i've not yet taken it into the subways
i've reserved my long train-ride up to Washington Heights for
"Time and Time Again", by Jack Finey
(stop me if you think that you've heard this one before)
some guy who picked me up in the train a few months ago told me it was his favourite book
and i like reading people's favourite books..
this one has been great
a similar quality to "Dhalgren"
that when i read it
i come out of the book; out of the tunnels
from a totally different world
i have to look around
to figure out where i am
and in that looking
i see completely different things that i see normally..
rather, i notice the world around me so much more vibrantly:
the architecture, the fashions
even the ethnic make-ups of people
what makes NOW the only NOW it could possibly be?
though these two distractions to nourish me in various ways
they're more about what i do to take a break from myself...
i know, i understand why some of my friends here don't call back
don't pick up the phone!
don't return emails...
sometimes reality is just far too much
especially having to check reality with another person's view of it
too much too much.
my phone rang only once tonight
and it was some asshole who i wrote off weeks ago
... what is he, just bored?
do i NEED to tell him that he's a schmuck and i don't need what he's selling?
-- he told me, the one night we met, that i should go to Debter's Anonymous with him
that what i really need is a haircut, and some 12-step programs so i can get my shit together
get a degree
and become a useful part of the world
enough red flags there, yes
not to mention he lied about his age and size on line
and kept mentioning to me how he was going to cut my hair while i was sleeping
(worry not, i never gave him the chance)
though i mentioned i've never been in debt
he didn't see that as a problem
and looking back
the three weeks ago or so we met
and him still calling me tonight
i understnad that he's in debt
and just desperately wants to draw on a credit
he knows he maxed out long ago...
but this isn't about him either
it's about me
about me and my fucking allergies...
i don't know...
am i just allergic to the cat?
.. probably not
i noticed these bumps starting while i was still staying at Martin's
but i'm full on itchy now... and their's more of them..
a snippet from a phone conversation i had on the phone today:
what if i weren't allergic to the shit the mites were leaving under my skin?
would that be OK?
i could just live with it, right?
i wouldn't be itching at all?
how does this relate to the allergy that REALLY causes me trouble?
relates to that same sinatra song
"i got you... under my skin"
when i get intimate with someone
it's fun and exhilerating
but somewhere in the actual time spent with them
i start to drown...
the word i've been using is "saturated"
as in, i've had enough
like, i enjoy swimming
but eventually i'm water-logged
like, i enjoy a beer
but eventually i can't stand up
can't sit down
and can't even go to sleep
without falling down
and everything spinning
and getting sick
and feeling like hell in the morning
i enjoy the flavor of another person's life
as i taste it and smell it
but eventually it's just everywhere
staining the sheets
filling the air in the room
cluttering the floor, blocking the door
and i just can't fucking take it:
too much too much
and i need to get some fresh air.
am i wrong about this?
is there something else going on?
is it just cat dander?
i was raised in a family of hypochondriacs
perhaps even an entire nation of them
and who can i ask for a sober view of what's going on?
am i exaggerating here?
or is this really happening?
and what else can i be
what else did i get from my family
as a knee-jerk response?
... and my friend...
who have to suffer through my itchy-ness
how much do they forgive?
what can they do to help?
how much patience should they have?
or i of them?
allergies are annoying
but what can we do?
do we get angry at people for sneezing at cats?
blistering at poison ivy?
siezing up from eating shell-fish?
sure, it puts a wrench in our plans
and if they're in our plans
then it's our business...
but can we fault them for it?
i just had a terrible allergic reaction today
an Asthma Attack!
i wasn't the only one who got sick, i know
but if i could have handled it differently..
if i weren't in such deep water
if i hadn't been so drunk already...
tomorrow will be alright
maybe i'll just have to be more watchful about it
that's probably the answer.. for a while.
but as i adapt
hopefully i'll grow out of it
... and not just become more neurotic.