i'd have to say
coming off the fast
getting over the cold
but just as i've been enjoying eating the food
walking around the village
and getting things for my apartment
something else has been hanging around..
what is it?
today was going well
a morning visitor came by to drop a load
and some silver cups and saucers for tea...
then, off i dashed
up to Washington heights
enjoying reading the book on the way up
eating a scrumptious sandwich
and discovering that my local post office is so very close
(though i do recall standing in line and having the imaginary conversation with my euro-fag counterpart saying:
"you know, dear, simply creating perfunctory things is just NOT good enough... there has to be some beauty in things, you know. ugliness is barely permissible in temporary things, but really, this post office has been here for decades already.. shouldn't there be somethings prettier than formica and aluminum to stare at while you're waiting on such kindly services?")
but something happened after the acu-puncture treament i received...
was it just walking around Chelsea?
or was it where it ended?
after having been looking for Housing Works for three quarters of an hour (and enjoying the search, mostly)
to be stopped at the door by some chipper little queen saying "10 dollars to shop! it's the first day of the fall preview!"
one of those new york fashion things that i just don't understand and find vaguely offensive on principle
... well, yes, there are millions and millions of shoppers here...
but why TODAY, at exactly This hour (as i saw on a sheet, it just started) are you charging a $10 cover to get into a second-hand furniture shop?
i stared at him for a moment, trying to will him out of existence
but knowing failure was mine when the somewhat crazy negro (sorry, i've been reading old novels) blurted out
"you know it's worth paying for if there's that many people inside already!!!"
i walked to the "floor coverings" store next door
to see a rug i would have loved for my place
had it not been $3500
i was struck, again, with that terrible feeling that i was completely out of my league
and shouldn't i just be getting on back to kansas again?
the day just kept descending
to the point where the dinner Jorge intended to cook for me was not only changed
but insistent and impossible:
we didn't know where the supermarket was
and when i took him to the one i liked
it didn't have what he needed
and everything it had was difficult
and he is never decisive
and i certainly wasn't feeling so
we saw Edmund read from his new book tonight
at Barnes and Nobels
and i saw some cute&happy queens talking with him and inviting him to dinner
and i, again, felt like some sort of mockery of a person
feeling even less confident and directed in my life than that girl
and wishing i were half as charismatic
maybe i am
but not tonight.
Jorge and i drifted around
until my nerves were completely fried
as they've been on a steady burn for months now
even his loving and endearing nervous character is irritating me now
and at some point tonight i found myself solidly stuck in The Spoiled Brat aspect of my personality:
Oh, that old thing again...
absolutely nothing was good
or could possibly be
by the time the soup was served
and i'd burned my hands on the bowls as he was pouring
i only brought the searing hot spoon to my lips just barely
before i set it down again
and slumped there
wishing the windows were higher so i could satisfyingly jump out of them
... or at least turn to a block of ice there on the rug
Leo called: back in the country
and i had nothing good to say to him
so we made it quick
about that point i began to believe i had scabies as well
and try as he might
Jorge couldn't convince me otherwise
a few hours of searching on the internet and talking with Jorge
and i was utterly convinced
another plague i'd never yet experienced
given to me in new york city
it really has been trying to tell me, i know
i can't say i haven't been warned.
and i just got an offer to move to Southern Indiana and be a Yak herder