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August 5th, 2007

3:33 @ 03:33 am

i woke up at exactly 3:33 this morning

i remember i was having some dream that i can't recal now

but i remember the feeling of cold
and the positivity that someone had come into the apartment
and was going to obliterate me

i didn't call out

it was hot
and sweaty
i was sticking to the sheets

i woke with a start and looked up and saw the clock on the cable box read 3:33
and i lay down
trying to convince myself to go back to sleep

but a voice in my head told me this was deathly important
and i better not ignore it

i had no idea what it was

it was Fear
the voice made clear

Fear of what?

i tried to say
it was nothing

but i suddenly felt cold
felt deathly cold
a shiver

i got up to turn off the fan
and looked down the hall

looked down the hall into the darkness
at the figure standing just inside the threshold from the door

i stared into the dark
and the dark
it stared back

i told myself it was stupid
it said to go get the black sheet and wrap myself in it

it's SO HOT

i lay down
and shivered
so so so cold

i told myself it wasn't cold
and there was nothing to fear

what is fear?
just the fear of the unknown
just the fear of death
and i didn't need to fear that
and it wasn't cold
and there was no one
nothing in this apartment that was going to get me

going to obliterate me


but i was very scared
and very cold
i pulled the sheet around me
 
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From:runawaytoday
Date:August 6th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC)

i found you in a magazine, so i am here

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i used to have dreams that people were trying to get into my apartment from the fire escape. and then i had dreams that someone hovered over me through the ceiling. there was also a corner that was always 'dark'. i attempted obsyddian ball meditation, but really i think i was taking too much lsd at the time. i think i opened a portal into another dimension when one night i got drunk and decided to reenact a satanic ritual involving myself as anton le vay and my roommate as jayne mansfield. don't worry, tell them to leave into the light.
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From:dominicvine
Date:August 6th, 2007 07:21 am (UTC)

Re: i found you in a magazine, so i am here

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Yeah? what magazine?

this is the first time i've had a dream like this
though i often have nightmares

still
i used to
and still do, sometimes
have a fear of the dark

that similar thing: something
inhuman
or anything
is going to reach through the dimensions somehow
and just snatch me out of here

i used to crave it
wait for it
wish for it

now it scares me
and i don't even know why

it's mostly confusing
yet
real
and it is what it is

i've not taken acid in years!
but i have pretended to enact many rituals
and have hung around with people who've got mixed up with Satan
... Satan i used to fucked a lot in dreams

but anyway

if i had some idea what was in the darkness
i would tell it to go into the light
but currently
i'm really afraid of the darkness

the best i can do is light a candle

...
[User Picture Icon]
From:runawaytoday
Date:August 11th, 2007 08:03 am (UTC)
(Link)
it was the pink magazine called BUTT, i was embarrassed to read it, but i read your interview and thought it was beautiful. i thought you were an artist, so i searched you out.
the other night i was afraid that a spirit would reach out for me in my bedroom, so i stayed up all night. it made me scared. i saw a boy once get touched by a ghost, and he cried and cried. i dont know what ghosts are. maybe they aren't really spirits, maybe they're just metaphysical videotapes stuck on repeat. but i'm afraid they'll learn what dvd is.
i hope you dont feel the evilness again though, because it would scare me too.
tonight i'm scared to sleep. what is there? my father's spirit? the dead neanderthals in the deep soil under my house? it's said that every twenty square feet of earth, hold the remnants of atleast 1000 dead human beings. that's alot of remnants to be missed.
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From:dominicvine
Date:August 11th, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC)

videotape

(Link)
"when i'm at the pearly gates
this will be on
my videotape"

the new Radiohead album will have a song on it called Videotape


that's kinda what these ghosts where

i mean
it came clear to me
this guy's house i was sleeping in
he's a very angry person
and he has sex a lot
i mean
when i stayed there
there was probably 5 different guys a week coming to his house
and often, he would shout and scream about nothing at all

fucking makes things... even if not physical children
it can feed "entities"
thoughtforms... spirits...

i think all of his anger was about these ghosts, spirits
feeding them
and all the fucking too: made them stronger

they were hungry
and i was bare...

it was the first time i'd ever slept alone in his place
and it scared me too much

it's clear to me that's what it was


the dead are dead
but some of them don't know it

like you said

you gotta just be strong and tell them they're free to go.

it helps to know how to open the door for them too.


meanwhile, yeah
BUTT
i figured it was probably that
but never sure.

thanks for writing
and remember
you can always light a candle.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 6th, 2007 06:40 am (UTC)

looking back

(Link)
in the cold dark night, lost, myself gripped, black sheet, shroud, fear and loathing, near and gloating, back street, shattered hallway, way to go down slow, is it you? not what you were looking for but here you are, how do I get out of going through all this twice, touch myself in the darkness as the darkness touches me. So, alone, so alone.
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From:dominicvine
Date:August 6th, 2007 07:08 am (UTC)

Re: looking back

(Link)
only twice?
From:winstonthriller
Date:August 6th, 2007 01:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
My late sister and I used to have night terrors like this when we were children. We slept in separate rooms, but the terrors would always happen to us both in the same night. I would feel like someone was watching me--almost like I was wrapped up in a blanket or something, with no sounds or air moving around me. Maureen felt like whe was being dragged to the ceiling. Odd--haven't thought of that in a long time.
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From:ednixon
Date:August 6th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
The sultry look in the orange hotpants is super-bad.
baby....
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 6th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hey, when I used to live in NYC, once I went to a darkness meditation at Meditation Module on E. 23rd. They present a different Osho meditation every week, and I just checked--this Friday (8/10) is a darkness meditation. Hmmmm.

It is a beautiful way to confront the darkness. It is silent and done in a light proof room. It starts out with wild dancing, then staring into a strobe light without blinking, then seated for one hour in total can't-see-a-finger-in-front-of-my-face darkness. Totally scarey beautiful. If you are curious check http://www.meditationmodule.com/schedule.htm.

Love. Michael.
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From:runawaytoday
Date:August 11th, 2007 08:05 am (UTC)
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this sounds amazing.

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