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July 20th, 2004

drifting in illusions @ 12:07 pm

Current Mood: alchol and mean
Current Music: Forbidden Colours-David Sylvian-Secrets Of The Beehive

"you can turn the city upsidedown
if you want to
but it won't
keep you dry"

nice dinner

there was white wine
he drank

there was red wine

i had some too.


when i was 17
in england
i drank a lot of wine
... and other things

i realized wine... and alcohol in general
made me Mean

my father made jokes that specifically preyed on people's weaknesses

that's what i do when i drink...

so that's where we were
and i remembered i needed to talk with my brother tonight to discuss some things...
so we talked for a while
by the time i got off the phone and found Leo
he'd eaten half a marijuana cookie i got from a farie gatheirng
well, he ate more than half
there was only half a cookie left of the one and a half there
he was giggly and quite proud of himself
half a bottle of white, half a bottle of red

i was angry at him
that he ate "MY" cookies
so late at night
(when he'd just fall asleep: he's ALWAYS tired)
and after a large meal
the drug wouldn't even hit him til he was passed out

but what could i do?

then he proceeded to have munchies
wanted desert
ate a 1/3 a pint of chocolate icecream
i was having vanilla
i put it away after i'd dished mine out
he grabbed the pint
and started eating it:
the ravenous consuming of the pointless...

i started reading some of "tales to the city to him"
to keep the pissy dialogue from continuing
i read six or seven chapters
and he was asleep

so i stopped reading
and
like always
he denied having fallen asleep
Fine

i was angry
he said "what what what?"
i told him

"i don't like the feeling i'm being wasted"

it glazed over him
and in less than a minute
he'd asked me some other playfully pissy banterish thing.



i feel like i have so much to give
so much to learn
so much to do
and to have someone around that i feel like i need to entertain
be it sexually or otherwise
(and the sensual pleasures would be enough... if they were something to talk about)
and get Nothing back from
is so upsetting to me

and i don't get nothing back
i get this room in this house on top of a mountain
i don't know what else i get

it makes me sad i'm feeling like he's a waste
like i feel like any relationship is some terrible trap or toilet
oh
i wish
heart--- Heal
oh
i wish...
such desires and dreams
what did i write
on the nothing-sex-site?
"i want co-creators. making love... making life together..."
ugh
a million hours of nothing
blowing in the wind.

heart full of ashes.

when the fun-puppy is panting by my side
and i just kick it
 
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