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Vertical Prose


March 23rd, 2007

day 9 @ 11:05 pm

Current Mood: poetic and playful


i'm tired
but i have a right to be

i'm tired
i'm always tired


i write this
so i can imagine i have a friend

i mean
i used to have friends
but now i just have people who are in love with me

it's not the same thing.


today i've written a lot
i wrote a good deal yesterday too
but today i've written more

good
thank you, mama


i was telling Normand
"if i don't write, i feel all bottled up..."
i didn't go on to explain that
This is How i Feel

not
this is how i feel
but this is HOW i feel

i feel by telling the story

i feel by talking about it
talking to myself

talking to you, my friend



-- i used to imagine my journal was my lover
a woman even
a sweet heart
i'd whisper all of my secrets to...

she'd hear me
she'd touch my face

and put me to sleep.



-- i lost my journal
journal after journal
lost or taken away from me


i'm not looking for a lover now
just a friend.




let me get back to now, alright?

today i was determined to be more driven
yet
still

lost at sea


i headed into the laundry room before 9am
-the earliest i've been out of yurt in days

i started writing

i wanted to tell my story
Again
but with gratitude

Yes, thank you George!
Again!, but with Gratitude!

i'd written an "opening" chapter
telling about my first day here
but i'd only got slightly into it
and couldn't continue

but this morning i remembered thankfulness
and i got right to it

it came out better
it felt better
and i wrote through the first day (with a few stanzas taken from my first drafting)
and the second
and the third
and the time passing...
the time passing.

all day
i heard things i should write

but i had work to do

DS on the charger
lap top on the charger

i ate some guavas
i still felt like an alien

i got the fruit picker
and ate strawberry guavas

i felt like a freak

i went into the kitchen
and ate bananas
grabbed the other half of the coconut i'd cracked a few days ago

i sat on the deck
and ate it

looking out at the sea


energy
alright
energy
Enough

i went to my yurt

moved things around a little

read two more chapters in the book Kelly gave me
"Change We Must" by Nana Vearny

"the only problem you have is
believing you are separate from Source
-- fix that problem and the rest will fall into place"

Yeah
yeah yeah
i know all ov this
why do i keep forgetting?

"so stay we must
strapped in under died hair
and brown eye liner"

i stared out the door
i curled up in a fetal position
and prayed

i prayed in thanks and desperation

-- my friends
those of you who know me
you know i have more nightmares than i ever have sweet dreams
-- i am a troubled soul

i asked my heart to show me the way

and i stared at the wall

and i imagined food i would eat
or fuck
or something

and laughed

i got up
and changed directions a few times

the grabbed my camera
and started taking pictures

some poor ones of myself
(i'd forgotten myself today!)

then the path
then down the path
and the field i would be working in today
then back to my yurt
my yurt
and the path to their house
a movie:
and back along the hallway to my yurt

then down the path again
pictures of the guest house ("love shack")
bath room

office

me

their house

and the Jade plants

the trees
and the tool shed

the place i stand to get phone reception

the other yurt

some flowers
some leaves

i grabbed the tools i thought i would need
and walked back to my yurt

i put on my shoes
and went out work


this is impossible
it's laughable

what the fuck am i doing?

WEEDING THE JUNGLE?!?

exactly

so i did
i ripped up the thick vines and grasses with my gloves on
realizing quickly
i needed another tool

so i walked back up
couldn't find what i wanted
so grabbed a small crowbar

enough

Crow


(i thought about this today
where does "Squaw" come from?
is that some fancy injun way of calling a dame a "chick"? just another way of calling a lass a "bird"? it Sounds like a bird name...
hey Injun Daddy, you reading? 'splain it to me... tell me a story)


some dead tree
dead tree here

i moved the lava rocks
ripped up the roots
pull up the roots
rip rip
and the rocks rocks rocks

i walked back and saw the other two

let me explain:
i'm in a jungle
and down the path from my yurt
there's a little forest
populated by "Weed trees"

because Everything Grows here so well
even Trees can be Weeds
they grow so fast..

and they're weeds coz they're useless wood
break down easy in storms
in less than a year
the wood snaps like balsa...

so i'm hauling branches away
clearing spaces
to plan Avocados
see
because Everything Grows here so well
all of the avocado trees are surrounded by their offspring
so i'm using this huge metal rod called an "oh-oh-bar"
to pull up the roots

this bar is very heavy
i'm twirling it and lifting it
like i was in a gym

cept i'm naked in the jungle

did i mention that?

i don't think i've talked about it:
i've been naked here for over a week

i mean
i've put on clothes
(like now, i'm wearing a shirt... coz i'm kinda cold. it's cold. i'm wearing a shirt. no pants)

this is a-fuckin-merica
so i have to wear shoes and a shirt when i go into a business
though some of the hawaiians don't bother
most places Make Ya

so when i finally post this today
i'll be wearing a shirt
but the shorts i'll be wearing is this really fancy sarong kinda shorts Kelly gave me the first day i was here
you tie them around your middle
like a flap
then pull the other end through the front
and tie it around the waist again

wha-la
Shorts.

--- i'll take a picture

anyway.

i've been naked here hauling wood
and chopping bananas from trees
and ripping up fucking vines
something like "My-lee pee-lau" is how you call it
it's a nasty one
no thorns
no
it just grows up around things
strangles them off
then pulls them back down into the forest floor

and i understand
it's keeping the contenders down

some of the big trees..
the Willi-WIlli's
it grows up
becomes woody
doesn't kill them

i guess they're friends

but the young ones...


Dead.

so i'm cutting this shit back:
gotta give our Avos a fighting chance.

there are two planted here already
they're looking pretty week:
so many weeds
and not enough light

so i weed around them

then go off hunting for my babies..

i wander to the wrong field first

those huge holes
going down down down

i stick the Oh oh bar down one
all the way down it goes
hits nothing

how the fuck far does that go?

i realize this is the Wrong Field for Avos
but the Right field for Thimble Berries

so i practice from the book:

ask permission
give gratitude

Bridget is there with me
she's always talking to plants

maybe she's Hawaiian...

i ask the thimble berries
and i'm finding the biggest
fattest
tastiest thimble berries i've had yet

i thank them

and continue on my way

when i get to the Avos
i forget to ask permission
i just introduce myself
and jab the bar in

turns out it's useless
well, for a dumb ole Howlie like me
so i just hold the tree
and pull it up gently

it's not clinging to rocks
the soil is so wet and soft...

i pull up three trees

there's about twenty
so i figure if i plant three together
they'll be happier
family
brothers!

and at least one will survive, yah?

back we go (hav'ta get more tools)
and i dig out the fucking lava rocks
9 to 10
really
rocks to soil
only one tenth soil
i'm saying

damn.

but i make the pit big enough
and gently work the soil (and rocks) around their roots

i pat it in
i arrange the rocks

and rain falls for about two minutes to make me feel better
sun's shining

Thanks.

i go back to my yurt
put the tools on my deck
grab my camera
and take a picture:





Thanks.

now what?

i go to the banana shed
and look at the wood i'm going to work with

dig through scraps

yeah
this will work

i'm being fucking eaten alive by mosquitoes

i've got two cuts
one on my left foot (from lava rocks, swimming)
one on my right shin (i'm always banging my shin, living)

but they're getting big and red
all this humidity
damnit
the flies are all over them

so i throw them back in the pile
(oh, didn't i tell ya? i'm making a rope swing.
first carpentry job: something that's not intimidating...
i've got other ideas too)

back up to my yurt

i'm sweaty
and dirty
and
hey
today i started peeling

it's time for a shower
with Soap!

and
-- i'm gonna clean everything

the bed sheets
and the two shirts and one pair of pants i'm wearing here
oh, and these borrowed socks.

i pile it all in my arms
and the tools
and head up to put them all away

do some laundry

take a shower

play some video games

as the night sets
the dryer is done
i rush back to light the lamp
grab my flash light
head back to the house

K&N are eating dinner
and watching On The Water Front
on their little 7" DVD player

so i grab my laptop
and we all watch it together on the Big Screen ( 13" )

eating stew
and potatoes
and salad



the movie is fucking amazing

you know that?

brando is beautiful
and we've got matching scars
kinda

i feel alien
Kelly says
"he sounds like Billy Crystal"

it's a fucking New York accent..

and i wish they knew how much fun it was to run over the tops of the buildings
just like those kids are doing

they're like dolphins

how beautiful.

the movie keeps me on the edge of laughing and crying the whole time

it's beautiful

(and for those of you who have read this far, i just went on a tangent about a story i wanted to write that i have always wanted to write... but was, again, inspired... Remind of it tonight watching this movie... so i posted it HERE )

but i have to write now
before i go to sleep
tomorrow i'll have a window for a while
i'll be on line
and hopefully i'll post all about this

as i packed up my computer
i felt some walls coming down

kelly said "good night"
good.

as i walked back
blew out the torch

saw the moon
saw the stars
(for some romantic reason...)

i realized that doing the work i need to do
puts me in accord with my life
which makes me feel better in it

it's alright

just gotta keep doing it

it's alright.

Thank you.

 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:kyooverse
Date:March 26th, 2007 05:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
LOL TRUE! People who are in love with you don't tell you that your shit stinks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squaw

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