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March 22nd, 2007

day 8 @ 12:02 pm

a week after being here
i feel scared
like i've failed already

turned Kelly off from me
made him distrustful

(fucking aries)

i'm very tired
and have no sex drive

i have very little drive for anything

but playing video games

it's been hard for me to write
hard for me to motivate about anything

even now
i feel like i MUST write
yet my head hurts
and i feel SO tired

this feel so unlike me
and i'd be alright with it if i felt like i was healing or something
but i don't even feel that
i just feel tired

and now i feel worried i'm not doing enough
worried i've upset them


me and my insecurities.

== i've worked with Normand a few days
doing some hauling and cutting with him
-- he's showing me around the land and ways...

when i asked Kelly if i could work with him today
to get a sense of what he does
see the farm from his angle
he denied that

saying he wanted me to find my Own way to work here
be it "physical or emotional or spiritual"

then left me
(to watch all the DVD extras of "Shortbus")

i went back to the yurt
and weeded some more of the garden

for another hour or so
(as i've done for the last four days or so.. an hour or so a day)

and only now realize that what i've taken for The Whole Garden
is just an island off-shoot of the Big garden on the right


it's going to take days and days to get this all weeded
and then the up keep!

i act as if this is a problem
but of course
days and days is what i have
and i don't need to rush

(yet i want to show i'm Doing Something!)

i'm even concerned that working on this garden is The Wrong Thing To Do
because it's My Garden
it's not out where anyone can see it but me

yet when i'm working on it
i feel that it's my place to start from

and as i organize things in the yurt
and the area around it
it will become Mine
and as it becomes Mine
i will feel more centered and grounded there

-- i will have much more to give to the rest of the Farm

are these justifications or understandings?

i always wish i had more faith in my heart.

but even tonight
after night fell
and i'd been playing "Sword of Mana" for hours and hours
i walked outside and did yoga with the sky
letting my eyes un-furl into them
bringing my consciousness back to my body
bringing balance

it was then that i felt my heart
scared of what i'm feeling
i've been shutting it down
so i embodied it
and simple (yet effective ideas)
sprang to mind

-- how easy it is to move from the heart

when i trust it
when i trust myself


i've written more of the first day tonight
it's not done yet

how will i fill in the time?
the time?
my time and theirs?

i dunno
but i've got to sleep now

tired heavy body
heavy in all this water
water in the air

no avoiding it
water everywhere

i'm on an island.

(p.s. -- of course.. when i finished with this i leveled up my magic on secret of mana... then looked through the windows i'd left open: some profile video of ... a very fat belly -- jerkin' off. i almost came immediately, so watched a big of porn and shot a minute or so into it. -- that got rid of my headache. maybe i need to cum more often even if i'm not feeling horny? maybe i should cultivate my imagination more without the box. -- experiment: i'll report later...)

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:March 26th, 2007 05:05 am (UTC)
Personally, it feels like you are doing spiritual work.

Also,... yeah, fucking Aries. Trust me, I am Libra cusp Scorp, I *know*. It comes down to decanate for me, personally... the first decanate... I fall in love with, but their energy is too chaotic for me to be around and... there's too much shadow... they are like the self I would never allow myself to be, the part of me that scares the holy shit out of me and I find myself getting really tight around them after a while. Third decanate are my favs.

Maybe you need to put down the video game?

Sex drives come and go... if you pay attention, you can figure it out against the moon. Or maybe you need to experience something different than you have... since it seems you have such a tightly constructed type, maybe the evolution is about a new kind of erotic power? Eh, just ideas.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 1st, 2007 01:49 am (UTC)
what you described about the aries is spot for me
"a me i would never want to let myself be"

that rabbi guy
i often thought he was the future version of me
if i just let all of my bad and sloppy habits run rampant
and never checked myself.


yeah, it's mostly the young ones..

but hey
i just got back into the video games!

and i think they do what smoking and porn and TV do for other people
-- give me a break from my process
an emotional pause
so when i come back to it
i'm clearer

that's the GOOD side of it
when i'm not just using it to avoid dealing

but i also feel it's tied slightly with my coming here

"mana" and all that -- funny that the one game i love is using the Hawaiian word for "life force"

and it gives me a sense of progression..

i think i've come to balance with it.

and yeah
i hear what you're saying about sex

it's near full moon right now
and i'm horny

but the break shows me it's more of a waste of energy than not
and never really satisfying the way i'd like it to be

what should i do next?

hopefully an answer will present it self


i'll keep weeding

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