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March 22nd, 2007

the in-between days @ 03:51 pm


the next few days persisted in the exhaustion
i slept more than i've ever slept in my life

night after night of 12 hours
14 hours

what's going on?

i didn't feel sick
but my digestion was still weak

something had happened a few days before i left NYC that really fucked up my bowels...

the Boys had left a book on Noni in my yurt
so went out and weeded around one
and a perfect fruit was dropped for me
so i started eating it

do you know this fruit?

it's a Miracle health fruit
but it also smells like rotten cheese

eating it fresh (when the whole white fruit has turned translucent and soft)
is nearly like eating pop-rocks
i mean
it sparkles in the mouth
feels warm, but not spicy


very strange

traditionally
it's fermented in the sun
til it makes a red brew...

i just took a few bites
chewing on the seeds
shivers down my spine

within a few days
my bowels were fine

i was still sleepy

on monday
a friend of theirs came to stay the night
a kid 9 years older than me
a gemini
great conversations

but everyone here is more of a stoner than i can handle

so on monday
i gave in
and, though i didn't smoke any, i ate Tons

all of tuesday i was a total waste
indeed
Dave, the boy, said to me
"so.. what do you do here? you just ... hang around? aren't you supposed to be working?"

and i felt like a terrible hippy waster

but couldn't bring myself to do any work

lethargy...

i've been weeding the garden in front of my yurt
a million little plants growing in the lava rocks
i put my flourite balls out there to get cleansed
and started weeding around them
... decided to commit myself to the whole project

but that's not enough


i've sharpened some blades

went into the banana fields with Normand again
cleaned up the trees (cutting off the dying leaves; cutting off the strangling vines)
harvesting some bananas for the market
(every sunday morning... i missed it last weekend coz i slept in)

huge holes appear here
where the lava caves in

maybe it was an air pocket
or a tree was there, turned to ash
maybe it was a lava tube
i don't know

but they go down the length of a man or more

poof.

i wished we would have gone swimming after that
but we didn't
we've not gone swimming as much as i imagined we might...

however
we went swimming the day before
when we picked up that david boy
before all the cloudiness..

the surf was so strong
and i jumped in
and had to get back out

i talked with Chris
i talked with some guy named Chuck
a crazy
someone who'd lived on the island for 20 years
a soft sweet man
who talked like my old friend Charlie
i was naked
i wanted to be horny
i thought he was hot
but i wasn't, for some reason

maybe he was innocent

normand was balancing rocks on end
how beautiful

some girl climbed the tall dead tree and made love to it
straddling it
gripping it with her thighs
there she was
around the base of it
six feet in the air
undulating against it

i broke open a coconut
i smashed it against rocks
til its husk got all soft
i ripped it off
and it's mouth was open

it had the perfect face!
little O mouth
and eyes
with eyebrows!
amazing

i kissed it
and drank its fetid juice

i went swimming

the waves were so high
they smashed me

i swam out
and got caught in the current

it pulled me out

i swam and swam in
and it just kept pulling me out
i started panicking
i started breathing
i kept swimming
and ran from that fucking bitch

she scares me.
i love her.

... i'm so tired.


the last few nights i've been staying up later
watching movies
or playing on my computer
so i'm waking up later
(still sleeping a lot)
and i'm feeling like that's putting me off schedule with the boys

i really want to make this work
but i feel i'm still transitioning

Equinox went by without a notice
-- we went to see the film "300"
which was a terrible piece of propaganda for the war against Iran
-- every character talked like he was a monster
hardly anyone ever spoke: it was all shouting
the bad guy was, of course, gay

ungh

nicely lit, though.

which brings me around to Monster Mind

i've let it slip out a few times
criticizing things
my little off-comments

i feel like it's pushed kelly away already
and i'm pissed at myself for doing it

psychic pollution

how do i clean this shit out?

keeping secrets
truth will out

sweep out my heart
sweep out my heart

ungh...

i'm very tired
and the last few days have been filled with rain

i've got some projects
i've got to do

i'm glad i've written, though
it's been a while

it's friday now
and hopefully i'll be posting this tomorrow



i got faith!
i got faith!

it'll be alright!
it'll be alright!

(some one's gotta be my cheerleader)

 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:kyooverse
Date:March 26th, 2007 04:59 am (UTC)
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*smiles*

Perhaps, instead of attempting to eradicate the Monster Mind, you should befriend it.

Obviously, the more you try to kill it, the harder it comes back to express itself.

Balance, my friend, balance.

If you cannot, sometimes, be critical, judgemental, "monsterous" and loved in spite or just loved or liked with it, then perhaps... you know, you don't need the people... Sorry, I am not being direct: The trick is to be yourself and attempt to let other people being themselves. You have a monster living in your head, well, that's ok. That monster is you and you are not a sunshiney, happy person all the time. If the only way people can like you is if you are being sunshiney and happy, then you aren't giving yourself enough of a chance... nor anyone else.

From the first time I read about your Monster Mind, I noded (?) to myself and waited for more information...

I have a Monster Mind, too.
And you know what? I do not try to control it. But I do try to keep it in balance.

I learned that my Monster Mind gets out of balance when I concentrate too much on the Light of me. Darkness is always there and it needs to be honored, too. Trying to uphold one brings detriment.

You are going to be fine.
I am cheering for you
Started cheering when I saw you
at breakfast before you got into the Circle
Know this.

Perhaps, the exhaustion comes from over-performing. Performing sunshine all the time is taxing.

I know.

Know that.
[User Picture Icon]
From:dominicvine
Date:April 1st, 2007 01:45 am (UTC)
(Link)
(laughs)

thanks for the reminder

i know
i know that
i know

i keep forgetting.

i balance by exploring extremes
sometimes i forget completely...

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