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March 14th, 2007

Well... How did i get here? @ 11:26 am


Well -- How did i get here?

Many months ago
before i even understood fully that Now was Not the Time to live in Tennessee
i was told to go to Hawaii.

i've always been a bit suspicious of Hawaii

-- before i ever came
i saw it as a circuit for the hippy kids
the ones i met at that rainbow gathering
the ones i knew from heartwood

the straight hippy kids

it was just one of the places that you go and have an amazing experience
like Costa Rica
like Thai Land

i was careful not to be in this flow
-- though these kids sang songs of gratitude
and the infinity of existence
they seemed so hung up on where to smoke their next bowl
and who to rob of energy and resources

somehow
i've always wanted to distance myself from the hippies
-- yes, it makes me feel more unique
when i'm not amongst a whole clan of un-shaven, un-washed rebel kids
but i've also always had aspirations for myself as some sort of Artist
and these kids seemed content with tripping out on whatever substance came their way
-- taking that experience as Miracle enough for their lives

So
Hawaii.
i came here in 2001 with Uncle Markie

(insert Piglete goes to Hawaii link)

it was A Vacation

i don't really like Vacations
(having just Gone into the Reasons, i'll spare this one)

it was filled with tourist destinations
boat drinks
snorkeling

it was
indeed
a beautiful experience
but i felt like i was visiting a country under occupation
and ignoring that for my American Pleasures

the Europeans, the Japanese
the Walmarts and McDonalds

it made me feel ill
but more
very very sad

unlike the tribes running around the continent
(who had been more thoroughly obliterated and pushed into the corners of the land so the europeans could take what they wanted without having to see who they were taking it from)
the hawaiians were at every market
every story
every restaurant

such a beautiful
naked
free
loving
culture

forced into the shape of Theme Park Attendants



when i talked with them
they seemed to sense an empathy in me
and talked with me openly on that wavelength

"it alright," i remember one woman saying to me, "we were here before your people... and we'll be here after they're gone."
as if foretelling some disaster only secretly known...


-- i never wanted to come here and Just Enjoy Myself

it is true
i always have this sense of Responsibility
( a gift from my father )
i can't Just Have a Good Time
i have to be giving back, somehow, to feel good about doing anything pleasurable

as in anonymous sex
i have feel like i'm healing them, us, me, the whole world
with each orgasm

or the pleasure feels dirty
somehow
cheap
like candy: meaningless and degrading

so
what was i to do?
i got a message through Tribe
from this faery boy i'd met a few times named Mojo
every time i'd ever talked with him he said
"you should come to hawaii"

a few days later
i had a client in Nashville
who spent half of the year living in Hawaii
through the massage
he kept saying that over and over again
"you should come to hawaii"

so i said, alright alright, if the universe really wants me in Hawaii
Ask me one more time
and i'll know it's the will of the world...

the next day a profile appeared (as they always randomly do) while i was answering messages on Silverdaddies
a handsome looking man
i saw he was in Hawaii
i sent him a message
"you look nice, i'm living here in TN right now, but i'm thinking about visiting Hawaii soon"
he responded
"Wow, i can't believe you're in Woodbury, TN --- grew up there; all of my family is from there!"

some little middle of no-where place
from one corner of the world to the other
Boom

OK

so i became open to it
contacted the guys i knew there
and set out to see where i'd go there and what i'd do there
and when...

i imagined i'd come to hawaii for the end of winter
until the boys moved out of Goat's little house
so when i returned
i would have my own place
and could start my Rooting Down there

but as Christmas came
i saw that was not going to happen

but that time also brought Mojo to the mountain
and we talked just a bit about where i should go in Hawaii

he first recommended Kalani
which is a large commune
and though i loved my time at Heartwood
it was psychically very taxing
-- i am always processing people's energy
and being installed in a tight community like that
gave me a lot of work to do

and i specifically felt like i needed More time to myself
for healing and focus
not taking care of a community

so he recommended, then, these other guy he knew: the Banana Boys

i let it slide for over a month.

during that time
i got obsessed with video games.

i was a Nintendo advocate when i was a kid
so much so that my family often called me "Nick-tendo"
we got a NES when i was... 8? i think...
i went from talking to frogs and trees all day
to sitting on my ass in front of the TV every chance i got
til i got fat, like the rest of my family

it only took a few years (and an upgrade to the Super Nintendo)
and i was probably only fat for a few months
-- i remember looking down and not being able to see my dick
i freaked out
and started doing pushups and sit ups
and going out and walking more
and, more importantly: eating less.

i phased out Nintendo for computer games
progressing into Bulletin Board Systems (pre-cursors to the internet)
where i got the satisfaction of "playing" with the computer
and interacting with total strangers
-- eventually leading to meetings

before that, of course
came porn

even back then
Porn

i came for the first time when i was 11 to a porn video we ganked from my best friend's older brother
and i found BBSs that i could dial into and download all sorts of pictures of naked men
fucking and otherwise
-- even then i was primarily attracted to older/beefy/furry guys

i ordered a few amateur porn videos through one of those mail order things when i was 14

my first gay porn video! (and a few straight ones)

and it was then (when i started my relationship with my teacher)
that porn totally lost it's charm

as video games had before them

from then til now
it's mostly been the Internet
an Excellent Video Game where all sorts of puzzle-solving and strategizing
can result in meeting Real Fleshy Human Beings!
For Sex and Adventure!
emotional and geographical

really
how could i have time to watch videos of people having sex?

-- the first time i was given My Own Place to live
after leaving Heartwood
at Leo's cabin while he was on Sabbatical for four months
(right before visiting hawaii for the first time, incidentally)
i got introduced to P2P programs
and started re-building my music collection that i'd had to give away when i started traveling...

in that process, of course
i also found Porn again

this time a much wider variety
and Free

so i got back into porn

in the scheme of things
a palindrome

so it only made sense i get back into video games eventually

somewhere along the line
i thought to look for "emulators"
( danny had told me about them when i met him back in 2003.. but i wasn't... Ready then )


i found what i was looking for
and downloaded hundreds of ROMs off of the current p2p tool i use
but really
all i wanted to play was "The Secret of Mana"

... i think it was the last game i was obsessed with
the soundtrack had whale calls and gamalon in it
a story about some boy who was raised as an ophan
only to find the Sword of Mana (likened to excalibur, etc..)
and set off to save the world from the greedy humans destroying it
(through their greed and hate bringing monsters to the land...)

-- i got so into playing this game again
that i even bought a Nintendo DS -- their newest (but a few years old) hand held gaming system
simply because i could play two other "... of Mana" games on it

it seems the company that created Secret of Mana
had pretty much ignored it in america
pretty much as long as i'd ignored video games
and starting just a few years ago
they started turning out more games in that series:
just in time for me to get back into them!

(just two days after arriving in Hawaii, i discovered that "Mana" is the Hawaiian word for "Chi", "Prana", life force, spirit, energy, etc... - of course the japanese who designed this game would take that as an exotic word to describe the mystical force of nature -- they Love Hawaii....)


So
in the same day that i bought the Nintendo DS (and Sword of Mana game cartridge) on eBay
i found the
http://www.isleofyou-hawaii.com/
site again
and downloaded the application
filled it out
and sent it back

it took about two weeks for us to talk it out and confirm that i would come live here

mostly doing Carpentry
coz that's what they need

and though i've never done carpentry on my own
i grew up doing lots of that stuff with my dad
... i told them that i have confidence in myself
i'm pretty smart
i can figure anything out if given enough time

so they hired me
and i sorted out travel plans
(the cheapest flight into Hilo, the closest airport, is from ATA through Oakland)
and here i am
letting the days go by...

 
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