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March 14th, 2007

the flight @ 11:36 pm


i have this way of traveling:

of course
i'm always traveling
but when i know i'm going to be crossing a gap
moving to some new level of my life
i tend to not sleep.

i'd done a pretty good job of keeping myself balance din NYC
but the last three nights were a mess
i only slept 4 hours sunday night
finishing RFD (and then decompressing by just playing around for an hour)
(yeah for procrastination)

monday night i slept about the same
stayed with Arthur
we watched Saw 3 (i don't recommend it)
and talked and cuddled and stuff
woke up very early

--(can i tangent on this real quick? skip to the end of the parentheses if you don't want to hear about that night:
i've talked about Arthur a lot in here
his sur-name literally translates from Polish as something big and ugly
he's a pisces
and though he watches lots of TV, plays on the internet, smokes like a fiend and dabbles in drugs
he's one of my favourite pisces on the planet:
we've got an intense emotional connection
he can really feel what i need
and enjoys giving it to me
-- as well as getting what he needs

he's a good daddy
very comforting, loving... and stern

his birthday is the Ides... so i brought some nice pies and stuff for dinner
candies
gave him some massage
-- he's been smoking so much it's coming out of his pores
-- i love loving him and caring for him
and he does it for me in the way he can
and he does it so well

when we got into bed
cuddled up

in his arms
i could feel him hard against me

and i didn't feel sexual at all
i felt kind of broken and terrified
something about his holding me
allowed me to be fully in my emotions
and i have pisces on my descendant
so it brought out all of my feelings of relationship

all my insecurities:
would i ever be able to Love again? would i ever be loved?
would i ever be whole, healed?

i wouldn't say it's NICE to feel this way
but i felt so grateful that i could

that i felt so safe and comforted
that all of these emotions could come out

he held me
and i felt like crying

there was no sex
we fell asleep

... and there was sex when we woke up!
i love that man...

-----------------------)


that last day
i had sex with a couple of friends
and had scheduled two massage clients

the second one i got to his house
and told him i couldn't work on him

he was a repeat
and a sexy daddy
so we cuddled for a while
i fell asleep in his arms for about a half hour
and felt so much better

then met up with Nay
went home with him
we cooked dinner together

Tempeh with broccoli and string beans
nay made a wonderful sesame sauce

then i started my "packing"

who knew i had so many things to do?

copying files, answering messages, updating programs
blah blah blah

no sleep
none what soever
i kept myself up the whole night
but was ready to go on time

-- i cuddled with nay a bit
then ran out the door at a quarter to 8

it took nearly 20 minutes to get a car service to stop for me
the kid was a young jamaican (i think, could be wrong)
who had no idea how to get to LaGuardia airport

it was infuriating
and i was terrified that i'd miss my plane
and i kept [almost] passing out
(he had the heat on high in the car)

but after driving in circles around the airport for a while
he dropped me off
i gave him no tip, but still it was $35

and went through the long security line.

i'm flying ATA to Chicago, then Southwest to Oakland, then ATA to Hilo
-- they wouldn't let me check my bags all the way through because i had booked this trip in two reservations
(i was told the cheapest one way flight was from Oakland. so got that a month ago... but didn't know where i'd be flying there from...)

there was little waiting to get on the plane
playing "Lost Magic" on the DS (even that one follows the paradigm of the "Mana" series... even using that word a few times)
and i passed out almost instantly


that's one of the wonderful things about sleep deprivation before long trips like this:
i don't like sitting still for too long
in a crammed airplane seat

so this way i get to see the beauty of the take offs and landings
and all the flying between is just dreaming...

dreaming my way to my next stage of life...




now, i'd not flown through LaGuardia for years
but i'd just come through both Midway and Oakland just a month before in my return to TN from Portland
so it was strange to be in Oakland again
to wait...

when i got off my plane
i desperately had to use the toilet
(drinking so much water... and something in the last few days in NYC made my bowels freak out)
walking from my gate to the men's room
i passed some guy i always used to lust after
some A-List bear
a big bellied, big muscled, tattoo'd, van-dyke'd bear
Kelsobear, i seem to remember
but can't find him anywhere

does that count for a celebrity sighting?

i've seen him a million times before

but not for years

still handsome
i thought
while clutching my gut and running


when that immediacy was over
i waited
no time for sleeping
time to plug my laptop in
give the DS a rest
and level up on Secret of Mana for a while
until the plane was ready to leave

oh, i filled up this little water bottle i still had from flying to NYC
(did i tell you? Jerry rushed me to the airport from Cookeville to Nashville
with only a half hour to spare!
but snow storms in NYC gave me another two hours:
jetblue gave us a slew of pocket-sized waters)
water
water
and airborn

piss it all out

then
southwest
cattle call

barely any seats open
i sat at the window
next to a skinny woman
who had the energy of a child
young looking, yes
but something about the tan and hair color
said
very loudly
"middle age"

on her very thin thigh
was the big meaty paw of her man
huge beside her
his belly big enough to house her
his face
not too handsome

still
had i been less tired
i may have envied her
or imagined something
but as it was
i watched the city sink below me
and struggled to further myself in "Lost Magic"
only to fall into exhaustion
and dream.




Oakland was another story

landing was surprising
the mountains (where? colorado? nevada? so green... so snowy... so lush...) were beautiful
then up the valley
and through the south bay
-- i'd never seen the area like that

i deplaned at gate 10
and looked at the monitor:
i'd be flying out of gate 11

in just over three hours
but first
i had to go claim my luggage

walking past a line a mile long for security
i made a feeble attempt to leave my bags with the TSA people
they shook their heads
i knew..

and
to match the luck of my energy
the baggage claim was in Another Terminal

not a horribly long walk
but dis-heartening enough

i shlepped over
past a longer line
got my bag
searched it for signs of searching
(bits of herbs everywhere... no sign)
then schlepped back over
to check in
again

while waiting in that line
a call came in
from a noticeably drunk hawaiian
asking if i could come give him a massage right now

it always surprises me how little logic is used
or how poorly people comprehend what i write
even in my ad
which i attempt to make clear...

Thanks, but..

the security line wasn't too bad
i talked with a lover on the phone
i got some pizza
ate raw garlic with it
(sorry!)

more airborne
more water

more waiting.

which game was it? i forgot
i thought about writing
but i was tired

i got on the plane
and the exuent of the bay was astounding:
a place i always love to leave

i played my game a little longer this time
but
again
had nice dreams
(i remember none of them)

filled out my agricultural inspection car
watched a little video talking about how precious the eco-system of Hawaii is
(yeah, thanks for leaving it so pristine...)
and landed

i talked to leo while i was waiting for the cabin to empty out

and when i crossed the threshold
the humidity hit me like a wave
indeed!
i could feel it in my hair
in my clothes
immediately
in my lungs

all the life
all the oxygen
such a stark contrast to the bottle i'd just been lost at sea in

some man waved at me on the escalator down
and i had no idea what the Boys looked like
so i got off the phone with Leo
only to see him hugging the folks behind me.

i waited

i drank warm chemically water from the tap
i used the toilet again
i watched greeting hosts put Lei's over their guests' heads...

when my bag eventually came
i walked up and down the cars looking

til someone called me:

it was Normand
(a long "a" on the second syllable: french canadian from vermont)
a very tall and strikingly handsome/friendly man. also inward and reserved behind the smile and eyes - pisces)
i got in the pickup
and off we drove

windows down
cars zooming past us
driving the speed limit

he handed me a lei
and we talked of his life and how he got her
cars
and partners
all sorts of things i can't remember
it wasn't a long drive
but i really wanted to shower

he drove me up to my yurt
-- a lantern burning

he gave me flashlight
and told me how to get to the bathroom

i took his advice not to walk barefoot
(too much lavastone everywhere)

the water in the shower felt amazing
so soothing and soft
-- rainwater catch-ment

i felt so much better
and walked back naked through the muddy grassy road
to my little light in the forest

i didn't do much unpacking
but it was hard for me to just go to sleep

i kept walking out on the deck
looking at the stars
listening to all creatures singing and chirping
going inside
moving things about
and coming back outside

breathing the air
looking
listening
feeling

WOW
i can't believe i'm here
this is amazing...

the wind
in the trees

i went in and lay down
blew out the light
draped my hair over the side of the bed
and settled in for the last dream before my arrival.



 
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