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March 20th, 2007

Big Daddy @ 11:33 am



mendacity

sister woman

born in lies

click-ity-click

he told me cancer is caused by anger
"she wasn't allowed to be angry in her last life...
so she's angry in this one"

a whole life to be angry?

is
anger
something worth being?

you got pain, at least you know you're alive

that girl's got life in her



anger
fear
confusion

all i know is
i don't want to do this anymore
and i don't know what else to do.

i've tried
i gave up.

i've tried again.
i've given up again.

here i am
in the up

somehow i believe i'll be able to fight through all the emptiness
and find love
and create love

i know
i've heard it

i've done it before

but this place
it's so dark and so scary

what do i want to tell my dad

say

"

Daddy, watch 'Cat on a hot tin roof'
Daddy, i want you to love me.
daddy, i don't know what i want
i've been running around this world trying to feel your love
making love with a million broken lonely old men
just like you.

i can't get through to any of them.

they trick me like i trick myself
like you trick me, like you trick yourself.

i'll believe they're what i want and what i need
someone i can love
no
someone who has integrity
someone i say i can Respect
but daddy
it's just like you
it's just like me
just someone lost in lies
and a bottle of wine.

daddy
i don't know what to do with the world anymore
daddy
i don't know what to ask of you
daddy
you can't go back and make it all better
but you can start today
you can start each moment
every time you try to fool yourself
every time you try to hide
you can remember
and choose not to
you can stop dying
you can start living
every moment you can learn about love
love those around you
love yourself
sit and look yourself in the face
and do it with love
pick up that puppy and love it
hold that wood in your hand
and make something out of love with it
smooth it and mold it
whittle in your bare hands with your favourite knife
something useless and beautiful made of your love

daddy, we got enough made out of the hammers and machines of fear and hate
anger
daddy
we've got enough anger and fear
don't need to make anymore
don't need to use death for fuel
to run up that hill
run across that field
climb up that tree
and shoot down the innocent and beautiful
daddy
i know you love the softness
i've seen you shy and weak
i've seen you beautiful and young
daddy
in my softness
in my exhaustion
i've loved you
i've seen you as beautiful
but mostly i'm just tired
and i don't know what to do anymore
i don't know how to let anyone love me
they try
a million refractions of you Try
and i just don't know how to sit back and let them
revel in it
i want to save you
i'm selfish, i know
i'm only doing it to save myself
but daddy
it's the world
it's the whole world
it's god
and it's worth saving
learning to love ourselves
and the generation before
and the generation after

if this world were made of love
i could procreate it
but daddy
i'm so tired of being scared and angry
and numb and confused

i want to give over
i want to give over to love
i want to love you
i want to make love with you
make this whole world out of love.
make love to the whole world.
i can do it with you
with you inside of me
loving me
sharing your love through me
sharing my love onwards

it's something worth working for
and it's something i'm willing to do
really.
honest.
i'll be here for this
i'll remind you
if you remind me
every day
all the time

amen.
 
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