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February 25th, 2007

the art teacher @ 02:55 pm

so this cold has been kicking my ass

customary mercury retrograde
(though i've not got sick the past few... this is odd...)

it's Winter.
and it's Pisces into Aquarius

what's that mean?

i had a dream a few nights ago

i was in so much pain
so uncomfortable
that i decided to try ephemerally altering my body's composition

so i though giving myself perspective would work better

when i tried to LEAVE my body
i couldn't
i was stuck
just shoving myself further up into the left shoulder
making myself small...

that wasn't working

so i tried the opposite
summoning all of my consciousness
and pouring into my body
super-saturating it.

this made me pass out.

and through the night
i woke up many times

drifing in and out of dreams

in my dreams
i was creating things i needed with my raw life force:

a potion to heal myself

the perfect lover

a new job!

a new house!

harnesing energy from the infinite stars

so i thought
but somehow my physical body
or soul
was suffering starvation effects
and i was dying off

so i'd wake up (in this reality)
(blocked nose, closed mouth)
and quickly pull my energy back
pull it up
try and balance it out

Sr SoAmI could tell i was really fucked up
he did a little massage on my head
saying i had a fever
and how i should probably go home and rest

but the house is cold
and quite dusty
and would not help my current affliction

what i wanted was a warm bath
with salts...

he asked if i knew anyone..

i sent a message to a guy i knew in Murf
and he was having a dinner party

so i cruised through the other guys i knew in Murf on silverdaddies

some guy i'd never seen before
i contacted him
and he was quite alright with the idea

after i spend too long at the shop
buying my plane tickets to NYC, then Oakland (to catch my flight to Hawaii)

(so, if you're curious, i'm leaving Nashville on the 7th of March for NYC. leaving NYC to Oakland the morning of the 14th. flying out of Oakland that same evening to get into Hilo late at night... to live there for some time)

so when i got to Pappa's house in Murf
he did a quick job of sussing me out
and i set the bath to fill

oh, he didn't have a bath-stopper
so i rolled up a wash cloth

and didn't have a big water heater
so the bath was tepid

but it was still nice

and he had about 80 plants in his house (i mean, a lot)
and a big dopey/sweet rotwieler

he's a scorpio
and very tall

he gave me space
and then i crawled into his big soft bed


he came and joined me

we cuddled and talked
and i got carried away into sex
(oh, i haven't written about it, i know: but i was at a faery gathering last weekend in oregon having sex as often as i wished for it... and haven't had any since!)
so when i came
i was totally drained of energy and shivering again

he freaked out
wanting to give me asprin or something
i was so hot
fever came back with a vengence

i told him to just give me a moment
i ate some coconut oil
and meditated

the same feeling came back to me:
i was pouring too much energy into manifesting other things Besides myself
i clicked into place like a rubix cube
everything suddenly becoming distinct and clear:

so much oppurtunity
not enough actuality
a HA!

another lesson from saturn

i appreciate it...

i slept.

i fell to sleep around 8pm, i guess
felt like i'd slept all night
but woke around 10

all these fever dreams
i slept more
kept waking
shifting positions
and dreaming

this morning
i felt much better
and the sickness changed from flowing pounding illness
to sublte green phlem in my sinuses

i'm on the way back up

this man
and i
we lay in bed for hours this morning talking

he is an art teacher

his daughter is crazy
and warns her children he will try something
as she also accuses him of putting the make on his husband

it's hard for him to live here in TN

and he's never heard of the faeries.

he was an art teacher
and his house is filled with plants
as it was once filled with cats
as it has a room filled with birds now

he has pottery and paintings
on the walls
of and by his dead lovers

he's 65
and a scorpio
and two lovers of his have died of AIDS
and he's not afraid of death

i found myself giving him a 101 in Shamanism

all about death
all about it.

he said he'd met me before
some other life
he's sure

and i said something differenet
i saw something had changed:

i used to always say
that i didn't think of myself as "a person"
but as a "vortex" for many souls

so i could often do and say things i knew nothing about
because many different beings were using me as a door/vehicle

but this morning i said

"i've always thought of myself as more of a Way of Being than A Person... more like i am an Elemental... something that everyone used to be with in reverence every day... and now often miss... "

i am the wind
i am the sky

(for some romantic reason)

i don't like to diminish what people say
but many people see me from the past

people either really really really like me
or hate me

it's always extreme

who am i, anyway?

" i was
just a girl then...
and never have i loved
since then
never have i loved...
any other man "

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[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 25th, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC)
... did you just quote Rufus Wainwright.

I don't mind diminishing what people say if I feel they are out of balance or not being reflected adequately:

When I first saw you, I felt lust well up within me. When I first heard you and saw you whole (as whole as I am able to perceive with my eyes), I felt my heart in my mouth. I realized "de-vine" or sensed it... and wanted to meet you. When I met you, I was briefly overwhelmed and turned myself off because I didn't know what I was feeling as you touched me beautifully. Afterwards, I looked at you a lot, smiled at you when it seemed I had your attention. This is to say: Some people just like you -- whomever and whatever that is.

I fear the green phlegm means you have an infection. Take the knowledge and do what you need, but I am betting on an upper resp. infection at least.

Don't you just love the dreams that accompany fevers? I haven't had a serious fever since like 1998 and I had wonderful dreams... my fault for being into requiems, really. My friend, Jennie, came over and broke it.

I am wishing you well and glad to've met you -- whatever that means.


[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 26th, 2007 06:49 am (UTC)

... all things having been done...

Yes, of course i was quoting Rufus

but as a context
not a message.

and yeah
i know i have an infection
i'm doing my best to take care of myself

i don't see illness as a direct-line/barrier thing

more like a land to navigate
more like the dream scape.

i just want to sleep for days and days and days.

i'm glad you're here on LJ as well!

how nice
i added you as a friend

though i am on the RFD computer right now
which has very slow internet
so i haven't gone to see your flickr yet

... don't worry too much about the Vasshon Naraya
it's been going for many years
and will probably go for more...

i've never been to that one
but it is a magical island..


thanks for being there
it was great to have you a part of my welcome-back to that space

and now i lay me down to sleep...
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 26th, 2007 07:24 am (UTC)

Re: ... all things having been done...

Oh, the welcoming I would have done if I was not having the experience I was having! It was my first Gathering, you know.

i don't see illness as a direct-line/barrier thing

more like a land to navigate
more like the dream scape.

i just want to sleep for days and days and days.

Before I properly respond to this which really... captures me, what do you mean by direct-line?

I dunno. I believe in drugs when I need them.

I am a healer, hon. It's what I do. When I can do. When something can work through me. Blah.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 26th, 2007 10:10 pm (UTC)

Re: ... all things having been done...

you're a healer?

(i don't know you well enough to make presumptions)

healer of yourself
or healer of others

what and how?

i dunno.
i believe in help if i need it
but i rarely believe in drugs.

i SOMETIMES believe in plants
mostly plants
sometimes stones
sometimes lovers

but mostly

i'm a healer at healing myself
and through Good Health
i spread that through personal contact

no so much a Healer
a Good Example
(a suggestion that other people may live, in their way, as such)

re: disease as a straight line:

i don't really believe in things like "manic depressive" "diabetes" "AIDS" "ADD" "Cancer" even...
these names give a pre-set of experiences most people are required to have

which is bullshit.

so even "sinus infection" or "upper respiratory infection"
is not a clear line around me
or in me

i see it more as i described it in the post i posted Before this one
about How i'm functioning with my energy off base
what my dynamics are with myself
and others
emotionally, energetically, and physically.

it's a personal thing
just as i'm not happy be called "white" or "male" or "gay"
i don't like to have some idea of sickness put on top of me i have to deal with
as well as my energetic imbalances!

i was a very sickly child
and doctors never helped me
so i generally give them a big hearty middle-finger.
Date:March 1st, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)

Re: ... all things having been done...

Hey Dominic,
See you in New York.

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