this visit to portland was the first time i was there free of Trevis and Sheridan.
Yes: their ghosts haunted me (as i haunt them)
but i was there for Otherwise...
not even so much with Leo
as he was fixed on being absent from me
-such is our fate
and to my surprise
i had the bears.
as i was having huge dramatic revelations of how i must swear of bears forever
Chuck invited us to the Fox & Hound for bear night (the second night we were there)
walking there (leo complaining)
i saw the most beautiful man get out of his car
his eye lit up
the smile beaming at me:
he was my friend
but who? i'd never met him before...
oh, someone on line
i believe we had linked hands
laughing and talking
a minute or more
before i remembered:
we went and had a beer
a beautiful boy, less confident
but still glorious
smiled at me above his curled mustache
a round fireplug beamed at me every time our eyes caught
what is this?
No Jesus comments?
no averted gazes?
our friends make us feel more assured of ourselves in public places like this
but i never remembered myself feeling so loved by a group of bears
... but when i was 19.
the next night it was more of the same:
i met up with my beautiful friend Will at faery coffee
(i'd tried to call him, but his number had been changed: still, nothing can keep friends apart)
we met up later for a drink at the Silverado
which i never frequented when i lived here
but it seemed beautiful in its trashiness
yes, that's what i've always loved about portland
it's honest trashiness
he drove Leo and i (a few hours later)
down to the Dirty Duck
for some other Bear Night
where a million beautiful men were!
just the kind i like
all sorts of MEN!
and Stephen talked about hiking
how he liked to move
there were the older and the fatter
and the young cute ones too
the cute ones too
we all took pictures of eachother
we all talked
we rubbed bellies
this is what i loved, once
and they loved me
how did that happen?
they loved me.
is this where i belong after all?