more about "resting":

of course
i was so tired when i was writing that last night
that i really missed the point i was aiming for when i started:

it IS nice to spend time doing nothing but relaxing.
enjoying the doing nothing
reading a book, playing a video game, watching a movie

that's healthy
but every time i WANT to get something done
those same things get in the way as distraction
-- researching some historical word (burlesque) or game (backgammon)
click click clicking through pages
and of course, porn
profile porn
potential porn

it's frustrating to see what percentage of time i'm doing the stuff i want to be doing
against the time that i'm wasting "preparing" for that.

but an artist friend of mine said that a good deal of his "work" just looks like staring at a wall
or playing with erasers

fucking around
while the pieces cometogether internally
so stuff can get done.

so real living can be happening.

-----

more about big men:


i drew up a bath for Leo this morning
how nice of me
Epsom and sea salt
with some Lavendar oil

i didn't fill the tub much
... knowing he'd displace more water than i...

surprised, though
when he barely fit in the tub.

it's a small tub
but i can fold myself into it

Leo just kinda plops into it
and there he is: nothing he can do

in a little puddle
not submerged at all.


oh well.

--- last week in Lincoln City
after that night with Leo and the othere L
i was left feeling tiny
child-like
a little boy in a little body in a world meant for big people

the car seat seemed made for a broader back and taller man
everything

but today seeing Leo in the tub
things were reversed...

what is the right size for a person to be?

in the last few weeks i've come across many 6'5" people
very tall
very big around
or even very muscular

big bodies
big people

to some skinny boys i seem kinda big
still slight..

-- i still feel like i'm not the right size.

----


in my dream a few nights ago

i killed someone?

i'd been shot

or someone else had

had i shot someone?

and i was trying to get the led to come out of my skin

or his

it was a metaphor for disease
and it was gonna kill us

right?

no
you're gonna go on livin
with that hunk of lead in your chest

you'll be alive
but you'll be in pain
until you die

... yeah, but a new pain.


hungh.


and the dream i had this morning

it was pretty violent

i don't remember all the details
what i remember most was
leo and i were driving back from somewhere
but we were in different cars

i was in some big hulking camaro
faded olive green

i was sunk back deep in the seat
it was almost hard to see over the dashboard

and i could hardly stay awake

i kept falling asleep when i should have been driving

we were stopped outside of some compound
and i just COULDN'T stay awake long enough to put the car in gear and go!

leo kept walking over to the car, frustrated.


we decided to spend the night, maybe?

it was kinda like the compound bridget was living at in Austin
Bridget was there

so were many others
i was having a discussion about all the cash i had on me at the time
something like two-thousand dollars
and these punk kids looked at eachother
-- there was a cut to an intereaction between them in private

and i walked out to my car
and they were ripping my shit apart (same traveling gear i've got now: just in the trunk of the car)
throwing stuff on the sidewalk
looking for the money

they turned to me and let me know they were taking the money
-- i could tell them where it is
or they will just tear shit apart until the find it..

they demonstrated this
by tossing the glass bottles of my tinctures and oils onto the sidewalk
[i can see them shattering in the sunlight]



-- in the same shot from "volver"
i saw a hammer on a shelf
i picked it up
and started fucking wailing on them
i think i broke an eye out
blood scattered everywhere
knocked in the side of one guy's head

broke ribs

all the while screaming

"you fuckers. i don't have much stuff, but what i have is MINE. FUCK you. you have no idea how hard it is for me to actually HAVE shit and i'm not going to let you just take it away"

did i kill them?
did they go inside to lick their wounds?

everyone at the compound was pretty pissed off at me

i asked bridget
she said i was way outta line


---

and i woke to Amy Goodman's radio show
Leo had it on
some guy was screaming
a crowd yelling in response

talking about impeaching George
and all the trouble he's caused

it sounded like a fucking lynch mob
or an evangelical meeting



has it happened yet?

has an angry bunch of Citizens stormed into the white house and lynched that cracker?


what a fucking thing to wake up to.


i made leo a salt bath
-he's not feeling well

maybe he'll feel better

(maybe we all will)