gnawing at my hands @ 11:20 pm
Maybe it is my own sense of self worth
i CAN point a finger
and be accurate:
he moves slow
doesn't hear well
makes bad choices
smells; tastes bad
i can talk about the good qualities if i can remember them
but when My mind has switched over
it is a bit blind
the past nearly gets eradicated in the light of the present
but isn't that as it should be?
his wasteful attitude
his complaining about every aspect of the trip
what i loved him for yesterday
is the biggest bane of today.
when Jan offers him a glass
the hot plates made of cork
the right ones
when Jan lays on the floor and defers to me
asks if i'd like the proper glass to drink my whiskey
brings out only two mugs for the tea
-- himself as an after thought
later fetching a small tea-cup
but when i go to do something for him
i am wrong
he is distrustful
and cuts me off at the quick.
i DO feel a loss
that warmth and cuddling
i do not want to be coddled
nor do i want to have to exist with someone on such terms
i have surrounded myself with these big soft men
in an effort to find masculinity that would accept me
not reject me for my own sensitivity
though i have not got that
i have only got men that i could step down before
bite my tongue
find ways to please
to keep them wanting me
allowing me a soft belly to wrap myself around
teddy bear (which i never had as a child)
the warm and curlies
with these men
i can Never be honest and true
the natural hardness of my being is an offense to their way of life
sugar coated, cotton wool
i know why i want it
i know why i've sought it out
but it's kept me from refining my practice
from clarifying my vision
it has given me a place of rest
but never fully a place of nourishment
suffering through over-fatted calf
yes, such riches
such ignorant blisses
(he cums upstairs)
like only wanting to eat cup cakes
it is nice for it to be nice all the time
but you know why i don't want it to be nice all the time, darling?
because it's a lie.
and that lie is a toad destroying the roots of the world tree
who needs a good solid dose of some hard truth
i am so sorry i have to bring hurt and confusion to these men who have been only answering my wishes for dreams of comfort
but it's not real
and it's not helping me
i need Life
many of the boys in my class are out dancing pretty
and i don't want that either
might i be a mad scientist alone for late hours
dissecting codes for an imaginary truth?
could i have lost the only opportunity i had as a child to get the training that would allow me behind this
wake up a few steps back
What's Out There?
Someone: come find me.
til then: i'll keep trying.
(casting my line in both directions, as is my habit... desperately hoping for a snag in the dark)
-- for a hand to place my pole on the ground and lead me through the forest
danger of leaders
but i have a block.
is it in my DNA?
if there was no hope for me
wouldn't i be dead already?
am i being punished to live the rest of my life in hell?
too much of it has been already...
i don't think so.
this time in Oregon has reminded me of my pact with nature
i know there is something i can do
channel the life force into the core of the planet
hold the hand to carry us through
what's the word for?
dancing in a circle
dive through eachother's hands
where we all disappear