34.20
if I could make wishes
...presuming I didn't just accept myself as I am
I would wish to
understand music
keep a clean house
eat better
be more athletic
have a better spiritual/mental/emotional discipline
be more compassionate to other people's lives
enjoy the world around me more
see things more of what they are than of the projections I beam on them
generally what everyone wishes for
right?
/
I love seeing my idols (always temporary for me) in their human frailties
it does me good to see someone terrified
when I know they perform graceful and sublime work
/
I'm a fine freak
I don't try too hard at it
I don't feel comfortable in or out of it
I tend to agree with their actions more than I do mainstream people
but criticize just as many
I always fantasize about appearing "normal" again
just
really
ya know
shaving my face every day
and tucking my shirt in
. . . maybe even tying a tie. . .
but then
I'm fetishizing "normal"
which, again, makes me a freak
so I'll always be more comfortable being an obvious misfit
clearly imperfect
instead of playing the game of appearing solidly ideal. . .
/
ah,
I gave a litany of imperfections about Humans
I can't help but always see them/us for our insidious evil
destroying the earth
exploiting eachother
etc
my self-loathing is multi-ply!
being a man
being white
being American
being Midwestern
etc. . .
all of these are umbrated by being Human
deep shame at this sorry state I have fallen to. . .
though I know I could see all and any of these same traits as reason for Pride!
(yay! happy pride! happy lust! happy gluttony! . . . )
. . . if I were more a celebrant
than tedious old Ezekiel
