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34.20 @ 09:53 am




if I could make wishes
...presuming I didn't just accept myself as I am
I would wish to
understand music
keep a clean house
eat better
be more athletic
have a better spiritual/mental/emotional discipline
be more compassionate to other people's lives
enjoy the world around me more
see things more of what they are than of the projections I beam on them

generally what everyone wishes for
right?

/

I love seeing my idols (always temporary for me) in their human frailties
it does me good to see someone terrified
when I know they perform graceful and sublime work

/

I'm a fine freak
I don't try too hard at it
I don't feel comfortable in or out of it
I tend to agree with their actions more than I do mainstream people
but criticize just as many

I always fantasize about appearing "normal" again
just
really
ya know
shaving my face every day
and tucking my shirt in
. . . maybe even tying a tie. . .
but then
I'm fetishizing "normal"
which, again, makes me a freak
so I'll always be more comfortable being an obvious misfit
clearly imperfect
instead of playing the game of appearing solidly ideal. . .

/

ah,
I gave a litany of imperfections about Humans
I can't help but always see them/us for our insidious evil
destroying the earth
exploiting eachother
etc
my self-loathing is multi-ply!
being a man
being white
being American
being Midwestern
etc. . .
all of these are umbrated by being Human

deep shame at this sorry state I have fallen to. . .

though I know I could see all and any of these same traits as reason for Pride!
(yay! happy pride! happy lust! happy gluttony! . . . )

. . . if I were more a celebrant
than tedious old Ezekiel

 

34.21 @ 10:27 pm




amazing to me
the girl
the go after
the blather

so tired
spun out

no

I wanted to say
it's amazing to me
the lengths we go to
for love
how many castles we build
to protect ourselves from it
how many traps we lay
to ensnare it
how many daggers
to kill it

what songs and theatrics
begging for it
building and destroying kingdoms
for love

stabbing our kin in the back
love
love
love

sitting next to love
wanting only to flee. . .
did I say "we"?
I'm sure I mean "me"

 

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