November 4th, 2011


forgive me my moment of delusional arrogance!

forgive me my moment of delusional arrogance! but isn't that just business? of course, the chorus is the most spectacular part of the show... anonymous as it may be, it jumps around more, falls down and rolls on the floor more, carries our star in the sky!
oh... it's about the company! (regaining my composure) my drive was to be part of a team! this show is such a slick machine! I was annoyed that the humor of the big boss was sissiness... but I guess it worked perfectly and I shouldn't take it personally. D.R. pulled off the whole show without a slip-up, but slid into his natural accent (if maybe a bit accentuated) to sell his blue bow-tie for broadway cares... opened at $50 and he split it, one from act one and that one from act two, ummmhmmm, at $1250 each! go back stage and have them signed.
but I wonder at my skill, talent, and connections... as I always have my doubts... hovering between fantasy and drive...
what if I took classes every day of the week! Tap Dancing! Piano! Smiling! Guitar!
Singing! Acrobatics! Languages! Fashion!
oh... to look sweet...
I'm sure I've ruined my potential of the public eye...
I mean, I've been too public my whole life: I cannot be a part of this machine
I mean
I've never been able to follow the cogs
even when I wanted to
what is the success of the odd?
the misshapen?

I'm no longer... 20? 10?
late late late!
"by the gates of old Poughkeepsie my love swam with me"
and crazy for love

but I don't even know what to say anymore
and am uncertain I can carry the message

again, I recounted my duties, my virtues
to see it, learn to feel it
understand it
and repeat it

in the process
the repetition
I may find a song worth singing
but till then
I'm just observing
and reporting