"you are Radiant"
message received in under a minute
why such a strong simple impression?
I took the picture
while he was talking and looking at me
have I learned anything?
everyone old is new again
shuffle keeps playing Pulp's "Bad Cover Version"
and it continues in my head
sharing space with the Ink Spots, Flamingos, and Johnny Mathis
Tony said I'm such a romantic...
yet I keep at arm's length those who pour love at me
and yearn for the difficult
referencing music doesn't say what I mean to say
all my understandings through the years punctuated by songs...
and what if that's the good bits: all the personal bits
that tell my story
explain my view
and how I came to see things this way
but I don't know when I started
I can't remember...
or I haven't tried?
if I braid all my loose threads
can I climb back up the tower to my beloved long haired wife who's the essence of all my secrets?
the process is endless
there is no completing
"what happens after 33? why not 33.365?"
but the circle only has 360°
and the math doesn't work out
what was that old quote...?
"Time isn't true, the circle is not round"
Before The Rain...
I don't remember my name
I can't try and figure out the proper pronunciation forever
it's what I'm doing
That's what I do
my essential eternal task:
pronounce the name of Hashem
remember my every face
not to do it for everyone else
but for myself
it must be done anyway
the multitude of fragments are all knitted
I'll learn! I'll learn!
I have the tearing fingers
and the synthesizing heart!
I have the sword of Zain
I have the wand of Zion
on with it
and every other day
til I can sing right through
"you are Radiant"
I hate being late
really really really
hate being late
what is it?
it mostly has something to do with sex obsession
I have been relatively low on sex drive since returning from CA
but yesterday I got off four times
stayed up very late as well (including the fourth one)
woke up early this morning
and it was the first thing I did
hours late leaving the house anyway
missed something I wanted to do:
left an hour after I wanted to be there
I'm even late for my next appointment: arrived as the train was pulling away
(which often happens when I'm late)
I was also lost in other Internet/computer holes last night...
the sex obsession isn't the cause
it's another symptom
so should I assume my standard sickness has returned? on the day I arrived at 33...
I know what's good for me
simple, base things
sleeping. eating. yoga/excersize.
rampant masturbation and endless Internet sifting (or video-solitare playing) is just depleting
it's entertaining, it's fun I guess
but it's lame and wasteful
it depletes my Self
as well as my relationships
(where it connects to lateness)
Fear of Living...
Fear of struggling, surviving, Loving, creating
simple as that?
death-sex instead of life-sex
Thanantotic Onanism instead of Erotic Collaboration
how to divert it?
am I prolonging my life by enfolding my death?
actions of the dead to take up the living time I am not meant to have?
I'm mining for meaning here
I ate oil as well so I'm chasing rabbits
but when I wasn't in...
oh, I was going to say I wasn't in such a pattern in CA
but I was
all my death and his death
too much death
it was just less sexual
the pleasure is good
but too good
rotting my life!
at least I ate well today
how do I control myself
and why this crazzy relapse now?
I've been feeling much more calm and centered til yesterday
I imagine a stable self
a creative self
an enlightened self who can make choices and direct action
how do I sculpt him from this rough ore?
after seeing "the normal heart" last week I was all set to throw myself away
I'm always eager to throw in the towel and jump ship
though some say I'm the most alive person they know (my friend that night actually slapped me in anger at my disregarding my own worth)
but it's easy often for me to discount any thing
I'm a thief
what's the worth of anything?
it's all trinkets
why care for it?
but silver & diamonds & gold
turned copper, finely perfumed oil
the softest fabrics, the sweetest fruit
came into being from the love of delight
the hard won trials that made beauty
and finer beauty
worth fighting for
that's the crux of my problem
--sometimes the crack is small
sometimes it covers the sky
but the soul in me that could turn at any moment
and let it all go
needs to be mastered
what... what to do?
shine the light so bright he is erraticated? eternal light from all angles: no shadows
when I'm trying to understand The World
I root down in it, connect my root chakra with it
I'm so frightened and angry
I see too much destruction, lying, abuse, exploitation
I want to trust and love
but there Is "bad"
there is the Evil, the Blackness
omnipresent as Love is
I can't be either alone
but the balance swings so heavy...
how to feel like a warrior, then
not an agent of either/or
but one who makes a choice to live the struggle
participate in the wrestling
there is no rest
I've made that choice already
what to do with "rest" anyway?
(nothing! let it be done!)
"nothing" is not a living option
I have to decide to defend, fight, protect, cherish, nurture
every fucking minute I'm awake enough to do it
just a laborious declaration
what's the interaction and why
it's easy to blame someone else
I think it's probably bullshit though
I really want to get to the root of the problem
and not be fixated on the symptoms
I want to do what I want and enjoy it
I want to be open for better things than tired patterns
I blah blah blah
hitting on straight men
blind or confused
I just feel bad: let it go
fuck up a day
let it go
have a day or two off
let yourself be helped
work at being present
be focused on being present
when aware of distraction
return to focus
practice practice practice
with a bit more of that magic to eek out yet