July 4th, 2011



have you ever been afraid to relax
because you might fall apart?
that's how I'm feeling

I tested positive for Lyme's Disease... a few weeks ago! I've been taking antibiotics that have made me nauseous and flushed... but I've been doing OK
I've also been sleep deprived for days and days
I woke up today at 7:20
went to the beach
swam in the ocean
sat under an umbrella, kinda sulky I couldn't enjoy laying in the sun because of the photosensitivity from the antibiotics
still got a bit of a sunburn
came back and napped for three hours
then went out to a party
beautiful house
magical garden
sweet older gay men
I felt right at home and just wanted to live here

old dreams...

but I ate too much and feel exhausted and achey
too much food or sun?

ah, zo



other thoughts from yesterday

I remembered
the reason I want a lover
sometime in the future
is to give me hope
something to work for

my first boy friend I lived with
our love made me want to be a better person
to be with him

i want to purify and perfect myself for the beloved

(who loves me anyway)

singing and toning in the steam room while stoned was beautiful and blissful

the party yesterday gave me a nostalgic memory for a desire I used to have: the gay dads who I could go live with and everything would be better...
to be a nymph running in their garden
to please them with my massage
to lay naked in bed with them...

I was in a very touchy mood
touching most of the men there a lot
stroking, massaging
the oldest man had a young Mexican lover who sent waves of disapproval/jealousy towards me
I feel the same towards him
imagining him hustling them
of course: I being the more pure
(but who's to say)
I followed a feeling I often get about boys who take advantage of daddies (of course those daddies know what's going on: they give all they can to keep the boy around)
distrusting boys who are with daddies but Are Also attracted to boys
because my sexuality isn't like that I suspect them of deception (they may just have more channels than I)
and lump that feeling in with a joke I made about "sexual predators" :
like the mythical man stalking innocent children
I'm a youthful man hunting innocent geriatric hotties
who know not their beauty
I seek to take advantage of their tender wizened flesh and well used genitals...

the boys hunting the daddy meat
the daddies hunting the boy meat
hunting: I like hunting

but I continually fall back into the frailty of my desires:
I am impure now
contain more death potential than ever before
increasing every day
how can I be clean again? to be taken and born and raised again?
that chapter must be over
it has to be
that's innocence lost
why are those dreams still there?
perhaps like the dream of ever having a lover
or a comfortable home:
ideals towards working for
that will never be fully achieved
imperfect life always motivated in refinement
ideal forever ahead, no matter how much work...
oh, the tiredness and struggle
... easy and clean and simple also such a myth...




I'm catching up with myself(!)

what's it like
having a lover?
a stern lover that holds you only to utter sincerity
no saccharine sentimentality allowed
no room for mediocrity
no space for distracted bad moods

then he says
"I'll take whatever you can give me, I'll accept any crumbs..."

so you dole them out
as if to feed the birds

what's it like
to wear his shirt
like a hug
or a friend
with me at every shift of fabric
even hours away

the sun set
falling stars
digital approximations of 78s

if I am not someone who falls in love
or wants to need
when they drape their bodies all over each other
I stand stolid
barefoot in the sand

what then?
what then?

there is too much space between the visible stars
we need lines
to live in constellations


I started my first attempt at editing my journal today
I printed out nine volumes of this text
first book
starting January 17, 2004
reading a week into it was too much
surprises at all the connections...
the viscera I could dress up my sparse lines in
even now I have learned to write even sparser
will I be able to look at this in ten years and know anything around what I was talking about?
uhhhh, I was heart-heavy

how can I possibly read through this life and make sense of it?

dig me out of my life
help me build a ship out of it to go sailing
I fear I cannot do it on my own!