July 1st, 2011



everyone's life is messy

writing about people I'm getting to know
writing about my own life
seeing people
thinking of people

there are so many troubles...
everyones' lives are messy...


I keep saying I no longer want to fix/heal/help people
but that's just my line
I'm trying to change
and I've been trying to learn for Years not to try and "help" someone unless they ask
but I just don't want to care
don't want to be invested in caring about people recovering
cleaning up their mess

my apartment is a mess!
my emotions are a mess!
my life is a mess!

... none of this is True

why am I always trying to find ways to disengage?

I want to avoid avoidance
I want to be present all the time
except when I'm sleeping

I'm scared and in pain
how True is that?

Everyone is scared and in pain.

do I feel like this just because I just had sex with someone who's scared and in pain?
absorbed more than his testosterone?

that play last night
and my conversation with my friend the night before
and memories and thoughts
and hopes and dreams
and MotherFucker I don't want to feel like this
and that guy's bulging eyes, right over my shoulder
and the homeless guys loud in my ears
and the hounds of love
and all I cannot love
because I'm scared

maybe I'm avoiding sex because I don't want to feel
coz I feel so scared

maybe it's good and I should avoid it more
(oh, that obviously works, look at Larry Kramer)


scared=worried silly

I'm doing better than I fear

that probably goes for most areas of my life

sometimes it's easier to feel safe in the dark
sometimes it's not

not a metaphor for anything
or everything

I did come up to a good understanding about the virus idea:
they aren't communicated
they are always present
(like DMT, like Candida)
they become activated

eating too much meat causes the body to produce less testosterone
not just in you
but your offspring
body saying "whoa buddy! getting a bit too aggressive there! chill! eat some grass and beans and shit! leave the other beings bodies alone for a while! cool it!"

like two days a week of only being
- I was going to say "on this plane"
- I was going to say "without electronics"
- I meant being present to people in immediate reality more than the iPhone, computer or even books... but should I also wish to use those times to trip out through nature or internal realms... that is also probably a good idea to let myself do. free of the Devices...
but does that mean I can't photograph?
or should I get a film camera?
and a paper journal?
mmmm, only at home alone.
phone calls?

I need to watch people interact more than just on the subway
where they are caged and oxygen deprived

I wrote the first half of this this morning
and the second half at 3:33 before going to sleep

mars is slow to approach
but long lasting

the picture I took for my mother around 6pm
I was on the phone with her at the time
she got a new phone that receives picture texts...
it's the only picture I took of myself today

onto dreaming: I hope I sleep long