June 16th, 2011



what a day!
Passing out, fainting... triggered by the Vegas nerve? Ugh!
I didn't remember the "dreams"
but woke to two nurses looking at me with concern

holding life here

one foot in
one foot out
shake shake shake

(over wrought, horrible! pretentious, too much! aaaaah!)

when I pass out
I go to another life
in another world?
on another plane?
another Dimension?
something more

somewhere I lost
but remember how real it felt

when I woke up here
looking at those two women
I instantly forgot where I had been

was embarrassed
after realizing I wasn't sure where I was, what was happening, who I was

on Reality TV
know the schedule, the channel
and what role you're playing


I rested on the highline
kicked off my espadrilles
opened my shirt
let the sun flow in
-my belly got hot
my marrow radiated...

on I went
gave advice
tried to be a good brother
napped on the couch while he cut hair
went to see a Show
so to another
The Tree of Life
which tried so hard and made me impatient

what I loved
was remembering how Dinosaur bodies were the perfect body to play on this earth
back then...

all the green we could eat!
sun, water...
that was good...

what a horribly pretentious nostalgic farce!
but I remember talking with someone
about Nostalgia
crying for the past
last generation
last generation
a period
before before before

who said Dinosaurs?

"but who dies for the dinosaurs?"


"oh, children do. boys at least. every boy cries for the dinosaurs... they..."

they remember when they first came to this planet

"that's where god lives"

up in the sky?

but now he lives INSIDE of everything
I thought
all these devices
in there
in electricity

the trillion fragments of God
God's Homes
my hands...


worked up to a froth
low on blood

this moon
of course...
so heavy
the eclipse...

make a wish, darling
I'm in a state, muñeca

pulled back to some other life I imagine more real
the suit of presence
God's (fucking) magic wand

a state

(number thirteen)



supposedly keeping a journal for technique class:

George audited today
he kept it anonymous
but admitted one of her students "enthused" him to come check it out

the warm up was loose
my taste is one of my strongest sense imaginations

with K in the desert
linen blowing

not much emotionally moved today

R spoke of Uta's term: "empowered"?
emblazoned? ("it said: break up the family and let's begin to live our lives..")
to be affected by the nature of objects on stage
real or imaginary
a hot cup of coffee...
the sun...

in repetition I was anxious and rushing
I feel I understand it
but am still too distant from my emotions to be comfortable
my perceptions of people are fixed
this I've known
but is newly poignant
in that when I am in relation with them I treat them as I Have perceived them
instead of what they are right then
it's difficult and lazy

in work
I kept jumping for second impressions on top of the repetitions
which was annoying

after that I sat and watched others
found it generally infuriating
and became sullen, tired, and paranoid
convincing myself, again, of lyme's disease
then desperately trying to cure it from my system
losing concentration and perception and drive

R pointed me for not replying to her email
and cited some actress saying "no amount of homework will compare to action" to learn, we must change our behaviour

all my knowing
(my silly knowing)
does me little good if I do not alter my ways
like a heliotrope
growth is so slow
but persistence succeeds


on the highline with Father Coats
I got stopped to be photographed for Time Out (online content)

the light was so beautiful
but the tired continued
and in the subway I realized I hadn't photographed myself
so tried some angles
and Fr.Coats suggested I not look so serious
I did a bunch of goofy shots
and this one was the last
so terrifying and mutated I had to use it

I guess I've got a beard again...
but I want to keep a shorn face this year
I will cut it on 33