June 8th, 2011



it takes more muscles to frown than smile

but really
I've been grateful

today I woke
feeling pretty good in my body
with the compulsion to do some excersize and concentration
a beautiful morning walk through the village where people were nice and flirty
or white
and more like me than in my neighborhood

I met Gerald
we(mostly me) had a bowl of granola and fruit
then up the A to the B to 81st
across the park
pulled anyway to Ben's

saying Fathers are just humans
perfect targets for compassion and forgiveness and love

impossible to ever pay them back for the damage they've done
or the sacrifices they made
the blessings they bestowed


I refused to take part in his war against fathers

he felt sad to me
I felt i said what I could
but that I was ineffectual
or out of place

we left as he was beginning more picketing

but went to the Met
saw the Alexander McQueen show
the beads and balsa wood
the masks and facial plates
horse hair

(I'm passing out
like during last night's writing
-- stalling out in the middle of words)

(and then I was gone. blinked out in the blackness. woke slowly in stutters into this humid morning... locked still in this trecal feeling. eyes worn out... can I recount... can I carry on in all my imperfection?)

listened to "Sorry For The Delay" by Grizzly Bear this morning,
face timed with Denny
spent some time hanging on sexual energy to pull myself out of my Malaise...

here it is
and I'm just getting back to work
if "work" can be wrapped around recapitulation
if self-awareness can be called Work
the work I do...

Yesterday, the night before
for days since my 300 "happy birthday"s
I was soaring in a blissful mania
more important for the sense of live and gratitude I felt
and yesterday's walk with Gerald continued that
Manic: with Kevin Barnes manic chirpings escaping my lips
"Unicorns eating baby meat
-here's a dragon rape if you want one.
...soak us in animal blood"
all sounding like the best night at the disco
with bi-polar schizophrenic paranoias
love song
fits perfect for me in NYC
"Ternage Unicorn Fisting"
"Don't treat me like a tourist"

but somewhere in acting class
after walking with blistering feet in agony
I was a bad improved with a bad partner
and felt the heat of shame and failure rise and cover me

I wanted to escape and evaporate
I felt like I was on messy dulling drugs
- I'd had nothing but mint lemonade and Labnae

I met with Ian at Tony's
we were both bleary eyed and distracted
I was depressed from class
or ben
or Alexander
or not being able to connect
I wanted to smoke and drink and obliterate myself
he gave me Nux Vomica
and I headed off to The Ranch: Jorge's
where I tried not to be in a foul mood
had fun
happy to see them all
a week's birthday dinner
excellent Piñon
and we rattled
here is part of a recording of it


but then I flipped into my clear decisive description as to why we weren't doing our road trip
which was sad and frustrating
but I think I was able to stay present through most
but I was sad and exhausted
and decided to leave
already past midnight
I called Leo on the walk to the train
and talked with him long enough to walk all the way back to Tony's
--perhaps why I passed out before finishing my writing

but I was sad, still
still feeling the gratitude
but not blissed or excited
talking about how my time with Leo made me feel like a superficial child

I could tell a story any way
any perspective
any spun
so why get mired in this sadness?
is it fun?
of course he did what he always does
telling me it's great I'm aware of these things
it's how I'll grow
oh, but to know my flaws... is it really helping?
of course: I'm grateful
and he said he'll still be telling me it's good I'm aware of my flaws long after he's dead

I'm grateful and tired and trying hard
but I'm glad
and thankful