June 4th, 2011



I have some clarity about why I must stop being a night owl:

when I run myself ragged and raw
all of the darkest suggestions overtake me
I think stupid ignorant thoughts
bitter and vile
alone in the dark
body in pain from ill-use
faculties depleted

the day started well
waking at 9
attended a class at 10
walked around the village I'm visiting
ate a breakfast sandwich for lunch
had a great Meisner practice with Mari
actually connecting and being present for a few moments
good conversations with George
who was in a slew of movies I saw as a kid
beautiful day
up to my apt
four loads of laundry
and backing up the phone (the home button is shot: I've gotta switch it out)
and amazing meeting/massage with a tall man with a name I'd never encountered before
beautiful blissful connection
but I had a previous date
and rushed and was late to it anyway
only to find it forced
I found him so beautiful
but he was a...

who are we?
M-e was telling me we are the top triangle of the pyramid of humanity
I'm sure others believe we're Lemurians
or merely chosen by God
I don't want to see it as an elitist hierarchy
with me being the winner
but I was with a guy who was intelligent and experienced, loving alive and appreciative
then another who talked about trash tv
his multiple strokes, diabetes, and disappointments
all surrounded by pathetic vapid opulence
they're different camps
I relate to one better than the other
both may be superficially beautiful to me
but only one is in entirety
and so the second was a sad waste of time
and adorable overstuffed leprechaun
who extracted a price for my excessive attempts at pleasure

oh wait
is it a night-owl situation or the sex situation
pretty much every time I've had sex for many months I have felt bad afterwards

less and less

the first man was very different
three hours of body adoration and mutual appreciation
that's what is good for me
and right now
it's all I can tolerate

I'm not sure what I need
but I know I have to discipline myself into the correct constraint for creativity
"like a nib on a pastry bag..."

my favourite word in the repetition was
I could say that word for hours...