April 23rd, 2011


don't I know you?

today I went to the springs for some healing
healing on myself
I vacillated about eating some oil on the way down
half way there I acquiesced

when it hit me
I lost myself
in the best possible way...
I only saw the beauty
those naked bodies around me...
old tricks I rarely have been remembering
love everything
be loved by all
feel every cell be regenerated
remake myself in health

I've spend most of my life sick
a sickly child
a daring adult obsessed with my faults
praying, in ernest, for salvation
Health, that is
things working well
hope for happiness

I used to be obsessed with changing the world
found I could really only change myself
and had no idea how
I set out
letting the world in
all that fear of pain and imperfection
my yoga
if I could be one with all of it
all the pain and abuse
and heal it in myself...

so now I'm self obsessed
but have balanced beyond lonely narcissism
I feel the world feeling me
I feel the world

I want continuity
I want cooperation
we should work together
a gang
a band
a collective
you can do what I can not
and her and he what neither of us...
it's the only way

I don't want rebirth to be the only answer
but it is one that works

what I meant to say:
I went to the hot springs today to do some healing
I was being cruised quite heavily by this red head
I felt so horrible
I tried not to engage
just be self centered
and work on my pain

we danced all day
and as the day went on there were bears and grandfathers
and I imagined pulling them over to me in the water
massaging them
appreciating their beautiful fat old bodies
then the red head caught my eye again
I smiled
and kept working on my arm
such attraction
what if I could return it?
I imagined the same desire for this healthy young beauty as for these grumbly old men

why do I love them so much?
one of my grandfathers, 73
he's so mean to me sometimes
it's ok
it hurts only occasionally and only slightly
what's good is
he is adamant and expressive
but not controlling
he states his feelings
but does not harangue or force
I talked with him today before going to the springs
I like him
I care for him
I find him interesting and adorable
and I love that he gives me things
oh, not like a sugar daddy: he makes me things

all of this
their slow oldness
rough skin
endless life of stories
more answers than questions
I still wish I had a teacher...
will I ever be ready for one?

and there I was
just woke from a nap
the oil fully in me now
I see some guy
bright eyes
glance again
head nod
he calls me over
and says
"you look so different! I hardly recognized you!"
I wait a moment
searching for who he is
and tell him I do not know
he said he spent the summer with me at Leonard Orr's last year
reality seems to waiver
but of course
he's not fucking with me
he's just wrong
thought my name was Kalabash or something

but wait: Leonard Orr is still alive?
we talk for a bit about that

Orr was an inspiration to me early in my travels:
Rebirthing in the New Age
most of the stuff in Jitterbug Perfume is from him
he's all about healing everything and living forever

I give this guy a card
hope to make contact
feeling a connection
but too fuzzy to be clear with another person

I go back to the hot pool
and some guy starts mouthing to me he knows me from...
(SILENCE only here!)
I shhh him
only later thinking I might remember his name
from heartwood
didn't see him again

as I'm readying to leave
I see the red head again
he smiles at me
and I'm shocked:
he's wearing a similar herringbone jumpsuit like mine
has a similar turquoise ring like mine
toe shoes similar to mine
I feel I must at least talk with him
so we do
he's very sweet
a gardener and waiter
obviously with more family in his life
living with people
some gift of a doppelgänger
to accept and appreciate, love myself

what windows and doors are open today?