March 18th, 2011


...i'm telling you why...

i still feel incredible anger towards the church occasionally
but why don't i hate them (like my peers)?
why don't i hate Hitler?
Easy Targets. Coward's Choice
it's much more difficult to find love and compassion for universal targets of hate
and i have some arrogance left yet

it's not Hitler or Nazis or Christians that deserve Hate anyway
let's raze Hate to a form of Love
negative love
but still
Attention: the currency of Love
intense. obsessive even...

it's people that deserve the hate
people in general
people in specific

and more importantly
it's people who deserve the attention
it's people who deserve the understanding and compassion

what is it that led us to live twice our average life span?
how long have you lived this life? and the last? and the last?
how long did you live four hundred years ago?
what miracles of science can keep you going now
into your 70s... 80s... 90s...
"keeps the heart going"
and even without magic pills...
is it The Great Recorder
that which can never be forgotten...
a more sinister Santa Claus
same big white beard
a tad more gaunt

repression is a magic tool for concentration
pressure cooker
Crucible, didn't they say...?
to compress, strengthen
Yes: Repression can make you last longer
go the extra mile
worked for the steam engine
(i'm melting down, don't mind little ole leaky me)

but the tear that fell from his eye

Old Men!
Who I Revere!
Lust after!
What Horrible Tortures have you Submitted yourself to?
Your Beliefs....
What Magic have your Fears given you?
the New-Commer;All-Father
fear and anger, but gives you an iron grip on life

all I want is to Super Nova
the new Generation
... and if i could take you all with me

of course
all i want is for you to hold me too
so that i might turn into a diamond...

dreams of the moon

in my dreams last night
I sat outside with friend's at night
no lights
watching the full moon
the super moon
it got bigger as it neared our apex

cheap lawn furniture, crappy table
some house up on a hill in the country
no electricity visible anywhere
the moon reached a certain size
appearing twice as big as I'd ever seen it
and sticks and dirt, rocks
started lifting off the ground
obscuring the night sky
filling the air
I jumped up
I float far into the sky
before I returned to the ground

there was shock on everyone's faces
not a little fear in mine
but I jumped again
still afraid to push too hard
and risk not returning
but I saw the moon from the side now
like it had been punched through with a gigantic fist
glowing bone white
through the detritus filling the sky

this went on only twenty minutes or so
then everything fell again

my mind was trying to rationally dismiss what was happening
but I kept losing the thread

nearly everyone decided it was time to leave
I rarely dream about my friends
so this is odd
Clyde and his troup of injuns got in a gigantic old convertible and drove off: still no electric lights

during the moon incident
it was I
sitting with Gerald, who is the one who keeps talking about the super moon, and Sister Clara... perhaps Leo too

Leo had to go somewhere
I didn't want to go with him
I put he and his brother I an old open-cock bi-plane to fly to their destination
they had no idea how to pilot or land
but I gave them a once-over description and sent them on their way

the house belonged to Ian and Todd
and I eventually had to hide in the closet from some menacing government agency
with my sister, but she was many years younger...

when the morning came
the sun shone on a post apocalyptic world
perhaps we were all zombies now
someone very enthusiastic jumped out the window of the second story
soaring through the gothic back yard
over piles of ruined filligree and butressrs
he landed unscathed
and I imagined there might be some hope this earth after all

I turned on my side, back into sleep


I Am A Paranoid Android

I Am A
(Ambition Makes You Look Pretty Ugly)

I may have just cone to understand the breadth of that song
: being controlled by fear is what makes us inhuman
driven to cablevision shit
remote controlled by advertising