February 20th, 2011


skipping along through

as my time with Leo wears thin
i vacillate through respect and repulsion
noticing moments of love with him
then days of wondering what it was i ever liked about him to begin with

he's intelligent and hot, yes
but also blandly hedonistic and riddled with blind spots
not uncommon
but what seduced me?

is it as simple as his Being There?
is that the base of any relationship?
just to be able to Be with each other?
all other details moot?

this life is certainly much simpler than My Own in NYC
but seems to be much more frustrating
and tedious

though i often feel lost in my own life
i prefer it any time to this feeling of being in someone else's void
in a place that is pretty
but i don't love

i'm longing for home
the really exasperating part is
i don't have one yet
i'm still building it

this interruption is showing itself up as quite an obstacle
i'll beseech the eternal elephant child:
i want to know what i need to do.. to understand
so i can be done with it and move on

so i can get on with my life
to figure out what i need to do
so i can be done with it
and move on

one star to the next
oh, i'm sorry
weren't we in love?

blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch


i've been having many conversations
along the lines with me imagining i could be a relationship counselor
another damaged healer sifting through the wounds for a cure
what? no: i've never had a happy relationship that's gone on and on
and i have been thinking about the styles of relating…
i keep telling people that their long term partner is not meant to be a dashing prince
his job is not to supply surprise
he is not novelty
his is the constant companion
why be disappointed in not having hot hot sex after 25 years?
but of course
what is painful
is the constant companion
with a gulch a mile deep between you and he
filled with all those disappointments and offenses

what is The Lover to do?
share bread
breathe next to you
help with bills
and carrying the groceries
but what about Romance?

well, i can't help but think that Romance is but a game
it's a style
it's not everyones style
in fact
it is often abused
and addicted by many

there is a quiet peace of being together with a known friend
when affection is present
it is very nourishing and comforting
but romance
love letters
flowers (if that's your style)

i cannot help it
many people have called me "romantic"
though i feel myself far too pragmatic to be so
that may be how it manifests

if you are with me for my life
i would want to make you happy
so that i would have a happy person to be with
it would make sense to me that you would do the same for yourself
of course, i don't want to do all the work
and me
we stumble and blink out from time to time
i'll make me happy
you make me happy
make yourself happy
i'll make you happy
we'll keep the happiness going
through all the other emotions happy to come and go

i can't say i understand this
i thought i had come to an understanding
but listen
of course i haven't

i think romance is a game
i see people in SF falling in love every day
every week
even if they have a constant companion at home
they find others to "love" on
going crazy over him
pining and wishing and keeping a secret
the human nature to want what we cannot have
to take for granted what we have
dream of something better
that wanes quickly enough
once you know him just to be a person like any other person
why love?
love is necessary
but it's never a scientific bet
people are all flawed
failures and sucesses
it is how to be with
how can you be with
who you are
you two
or three or five
how to be
just to be with

why would you get jealous?
your currency of love?
why would you want another then?
then be shamed if your other knew?

what's with all this pointless sex?
and why?
the mind and heart fills in the gaps
the imagination of self-recreation
or finding the right man to walk you down the aisle
and out the door
the gate of this life
into another world
through death or orgasm
or dreaming
into peace
or paradise
or some alien lands
avoiding the monsters of fear
or even going to battle

what is your Love Affair?
what is your Dream With The Other?
why look and search?
the spice of life
a little novelty
a little dream of what could be
easy to toss off
for the man who bores you and smells bad and won't wash the dishes properly and always tells you to pick up your clothes

what are the relationships like without these failings?
are they perfect and boring?
or boring?
might they be perfect and carry through
great successes
what is life?
people who have simple quiet existences
i imagine some crazy story
or wizardry
changing the world
raising a werewolf
turning lead into gold
leading a tribe after the apocalypse
writing a great novel
making excellent movies and music together

why want peace in this life?
is that what it's for?
i can't imagine why we'd incarnate just to find stasis…
into this world of dualities and striving…

harmony in the struggle…
a bright edge of suffering…

but being alone
it's all so pointless
any of it is more

so we have our communities
if we have them
we have our coworkers
or a companion

i still like the idea of a family
and i guess i like romance
to be surprised and enriched
but to expect it and not receive it
so bitter
or not enjoy the flavor of that which is offered…
with eight billion people on the planet
my compliment is out there, right?

a wife
band mates
our artist collective
the commune community i participate with
the world i adore and fight with

perhaps i need a lot of everything
a lot of everything to listen to me
and be surprised by