November 1st, 2010


what's the reason to stay alive

what's the reason to stay alive
when you sleep alone
when your naked body is not side long against another's daily?

when you see the same views every day
no matter how spectacular
or exotic
if you're not staring at that vista with a friend
or telling him
again today
your feelings of the clouds in the sunset

it's really not worth the struggle
to say your rituals alone
tell your stories into the silent air
all your beauty falling into
representations of meanings
with out a living being
an audience
an acolyte
a companion

i would do the same
I would do the same
I will do the same
if I'm not careful
turn attention to what I know
over there
by the campfire
not here
just here
God alone in the Desert

it's our dance
one of the many songs
but yes
the one we come out for
you and I
you & you & you and i


ten years ago

ten years ago
a girl
lent me her car
(was it Dee? or some blond girl I've forgotten... Meredith?)
not a car
an suv, green
I drove down with excitement
expecting ritual and companionship
the Billy gathering for Halloween
on a Sunday
I'd worked all my hours tight
and rushed down the mountain
arrived at Saratoga Springs
to everyone leaving
they had to work tomorrow
walked around a few minutes
put out
wondering what next...

Leo arrived
I think we said we'd meet there
so there we were
most everyone else gone
we walked to the hot tub together and soaked
I was all over him
and remember asking him his sun sign
"oh, you mean astrology? I'd rather not say. whenever I say what I am people say 'oh no!' it's the worst one"
I tried to convince him I didn't think like that.. worst one... what: scorpio? Pieces? Aries? no no no
he told me Gemini
I said "fuck you! I'm a gemini! we're not the worst one! who says that!?"
he took me back to his house and I did his chart the next day:
he was a 29° Taurus anyway... Cancer rising (great chest) and Gemini Rising... well, yes...
but before then
that night
I followed him home
through winding mountain road
terrible steep dirt "trail"
he said he'd make dinner and suggested I build a fire
which I did
in the beautiful broad fireplace
got it strong, bright and warm
stared at it a while
but next to an entire wall of books
I had to see
so went to read the spines

entire shelves of Bibles
books about Jesus
other religious studies
and one shelf of David Sedaris, Shirley McClaine and Armistead Maupin
he popped his head out of the kitchen and remarked on how good the fire looked
I said
' Should I be addressing you as "Father"? '
"Only if You're into that" he replied with a smile in his voice

he did vespers and mass for all saints
I did a ritual for Birch
scratching it's Ogham into the ground between two large pines
pouring birch beer onto the ground, then into my mouth
invoking all of the spirits on the other side to help mr start a new chapter in my life

and indeed
in they they have
... oh, what I know now ...

this Year Samhain is on the 7th, so I'll do my ritual then
Salvia in the dark...
what requests..?

but Ten Years
similar days
entirely different ways
but He I am grateful for
however it's been
it's been always there
in and with me
entirely different than life without that love

so... Thank you