October 16th, 2010


I fit in perfectly here

I'm most comfortable naked
listening to sounds of nature
letting myself smell as I do
letting my hair be how it is
with no where to go
but with seemingly endless opportunity in any direction
to climb trees
walk across rocks
lay in the sun
discover and rest

living here
with constant Dominican soundtrack
endless staring at electric screens
riding underground with stale air
rough vibrations
incredibly jarring cacophonies of metal grinding and personal emotions
to rise into polluted depleted air
amid hard angles in brick, stone, metal or glass

it's not easy
I am not happy

though I am much more at ease here
where I never have to drive
and only have the options of big box stores for my shopping and entertainment

like many people here
I have made sacrifices to live here
and have become quite addicted to this city's offerings

though I don't often go to parties
fashion stores
and bar nights

I like knowing I could at any time
and sometimes do

sometimes I enjoy it
sometimes not

I love looking at the people I stand and sit right next to
vaguely imagining their lives
desiring or loathing them
loving them and pitying them
blessing them and practicing un-cursing them

the joy I get in being in close proximity to these masses
outweighs the irritations of the people surrounding my apartments
and the annoyances I feel from the people I'm most intimate with

my own damaged and abrasive style of loving gets more inflamed and more salved here than do I get benefitted by the neglect found in isolation

i squeeze in my gigantic sense of self
to fit in this fantastic toy-box of a town
and I'm anxious about leaving
I do not fear nature or solitude
nor even the difficulty of helping my best friend die
as much as I'm feeling desolated by the loss of the sense of freedom, versatility, opportunities and adventures I am leaving behind

but the place I'm going is very dear to me
and it is the last time I will ever be able to go to it with the sense that it is home
this trip will remove Leo from it
and the last of my possession(s)
any time after
it will just be nostalgia
in this trip
I pay all my rent from past debts here
and close the deal

grasping and aversion

and squeezing myself into places to almost feel comfortable

I will return here another person
perhaps my path will be clearer
another destination
or another way of being

and I will make more offerings of my wasted talents
to the mill of New York
to provide me with food for my further journeys
no matter how static or peripatetic they may be

I feel a certain in this
however it may come

thank you

thank you anyway