June 30th, 2010



I passed out before posting
three massages
two daddies
woken in the morning by another daddy on his way out
from a dream I had
in some small town
gathering to see a show
Goat was talking to someone and described my actions as "whiting around", which really hurt my feelings
I tried to do the same by mentioning his Million
but it obviously didn't have the same effect
I flitted around feeling scared and shamed
in waking world
I was being mean to the person in the room
"sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up"
' of course you did! ' I snapped, ' why else lay down beside me? '
and turned away
mumbling into my pillow how if he were going to lay there he may as well pet me and try and and make me feel good

"when I'm like this.."
no one can do anything right

I had three clients
the first I explained how I was never bored alone
but often with others
and how I knew I wanted to meet this fellow and agreed to two nights
but one is always enough

he was worried, then, that he bored me
I assured him
one a week for a few hours kept him

is this a new yorker thing?
or are people just generally better in small doses

it's not just me
but it's me

I told him I'm less and less satisfied by sex
and is that a symptom or cause of my depression?

my second client took it upon her self to offer me music lessons
which came as a surprise and a blessing
that I'm being given music from all these angles
we worked on some music theory
using my iPad as a (piano)keyboard
and in my moments to myself this morning I tuned my guitar (for the first time in years)

we sang some Irish folk songs
then I massaged her hands

and had a moment

then worked on the next
(and we both mainly bitched about distrusting the government and all corporations... how not to remember human greed and disintegrity in everything?)

made some phone calls
and jumped on my bike
to go eat some raspberries
Have Some Joy!

but the berries were little and rarely ripe
most of the bushes poisoned and killed by the workers down there

the sunset was beautiful
and I practiced singing a song I knew to see how I sounded when confidant

good, I think
sad, but good

I sang it over and over in the sunset
called a guy I know up here (can't say "a friend") to see if he wanted dinner
but a blow job, yes
well, more service in lack of companionship

hot and fun (and empty)
I ordered a burger from a new local bar
went home
watched 6ft under
til The Prince of Bears arrived
a guy I've known since 2003
but hadn't seen in 2 years
so hot
we both appreciated eachothers' beauty
but didn't really connect
hot and fun
and tiring
we slept together

anyone want a full size mattress? (no bed bugs, worry not)
anyone have a keyboard or piano they want to pass on?

mwa mwa mwa




many months ago I bought an album from iTunes of traditional Mongolian music
in an aboriginal mood
went there to get a record of african music
found that

I've recently met this man that is mainly interested in ancient musics
he sings in languages I don't understand
in a braying voice
indicative of an entirely different purpose of music

my gigantic bloated music library has been offering up its children that can dance with him
I've been listening to music from along the Silk Road
which I have been loving
but today...
(maybe because I'm operating on three hours sleep, just ate a heavy meal after teaching yoga...)
the Mongolian music touched me in a way that the others haven't

I remember the van
endlessly jostling us across the steppes
the green in every direction
those faces like masks of leather
wind blown

a strange nostalgia
for traveling?
for a leg of a journey?
for a culture like none I've ever seen elsewhere?

today I went to the King Tut Discovery exhibit
it was kinda like a Ripley's museum
Times Square
what else could be expected

but really...
it made me want to research those old gods
to walk that valley of kings
feel the banks of the Nile...

I doubt my yearning is just about my not traveling
the world is so great and fascinating
there is so much more to see
(than this)

(I wonder yet what I am doing here)

(is my hair getting too thin?)

(shouldn't I just cave in?)

I'm still wrestling...