June 4th, 2010


Stay Beautiful

I got sick
beaten up
infected wounds
others raw
body exhausted
heart lost

I'm not complaining
all battle scars fair for one who plays the game

I was collapsing home
and got a phone call from some man I'd barely spoken with online
visiting from his farm up north
and I'm a sucker for farmers
so met up with him
though I had no energy
we rode the train to my house
I walked him around my park
in the dark!
to see the views
the flowers
the cruising spots

I felt his apprehensions
being in a park in the dark in NYC
with a bunch of kids
with radios
I let him know it was OK
and it was

we walked up to the garden and the century cacti were blooming!
we walked down the long dark steps
arms over shoulders
he smelled like goat!

I wasn't super energetic
beaten as I was
tired as I was
we sat on the couch in my place
surrounded by my pictures of nature
I'm more comfortable naked
he clothed
we talked
he kneeled
caressed me
kissed me all over
but it wasn't sexual
just adoration

he photographed
(this one! taken with the iPhone!
tweaked with, cropped, here)
we talked
he talked a lot about me
contextualizing me
like central park, he said
an oasis in this huge noisy hard city
a quiet peaceful man

even though I don't see myself like that
I guess contrast makes it so
he said to me
Stay Beautiful
he beseeched me
Continue in this beautiful way you've become

it was sweet
whenever I'm feeling my least beautiful
they come our of the woodwork to let me know

and I love the discussion of beautiful
especially when it's inclusive
to talk about the deep beauty
the difficult
of course, the fat old men
with ernest hearts
survivors of life
wizened like stone
androgynous with age

but yes
I remember when I first realized I was beautiful
hearing it all the time
and I decided the world needed more beauty
so if I could contribute
I would be more than happy to
as a bearer and witness of Beauty
I am happy to




sick. coughing up phlegm. tired. have to rest when I move.
"My Chest Hurts A Lot Today
- maybe you could fix that?"
so did three loads of laundry
took out the recycling
which had piled up for months
Jorge authored and burned 50 (36 of, now) of his 2010 CD
helped me move the bed

in the morning we'll finalize his photos
and put my mattress on the futon
I'll break down the bed frame
and get rid of it
maybe that will help me clean my bed room
get rid of all my clothes
maybe if it gets organized
I'll keep it that way

constantly peeing
fan blowing
essential oils in the air

ugh, what a celebration