May 1st, 2010



busy day
yoga class
suprise casting call for a Japanese pop video
had to get the mail from my maybe-new Chelsea flat
massage client I wanted to say "I love you" to, but didn't want to fuck his head or heart
dinner break
of what?
everyone is busy with life
ate alone at Two Boots
and headed down to der Oude Wall to walk to the piers
all obscured with fucking decorated fences
I walked south
past the homeless person's
(what do they keep in all those bags?
what do they keep in them? what?
sone guy on the subway pushing TWO loaded dollies.. what the fuck are in those bags? we who have houses fill them with useless shit, what could poosiblt be so necessarry to push around on your own through crowded trains? I used to carry too much junk with me when I was homeless... let it fucking go... What's in those bags?)

I sat on a bench
watching the sun set on Brooklyn heights
waving to the heart of Figleaf: Hi over there
descending darkness
Internet not working
I wanted to post
"Its Beltane Eve... what am I doing alone?"
but even the Internet had abandoned me
so I just sat there eating expensive goji berry chocolate
wondering what the fuck these berries looked like fresh
had I eaten them in Mongolia?

I then went to meet the man visiting from Dubai
which I already wrote about
not a friend
exhausted myself and headed home
where I'm writing this on the train

what I wanted to write about was the casting:
they called me because they needed a cHasidic Jewish guy for the video
thought I'd work
when I got there
and signed the sheet
I saw someone else had signed for that role as well
hadn't gone yet
I looked around the room
and there he was: a real chassid in full penguin suit
fuck me, I'm not getting that role!
but I sat and talked with him
he said he'd left the fold
his family ostracized him
he's not religeous at all anymore
but he kept the costume so he could get acting and modeling gigs as one

there was an ease to the conversation
but a heaviness to my heart
through his smiling face

I've been reading more about catholic priest child rape lately
why does so much damage get inflicted
in the name of love?
one more in the name of love!

when she came to collect him
she asked how to pronounce his name
he shrugged and said


is that how it works?

is that how it works?

I didn't like the taste of his cologne
but admired his thick veiny uncut appendage
I had to grip it to make it firm
rubbed my beard on the sac

(El was telling me a story of being in Edinburgh on Christmas
walking the royal mile
some Italian girls admiring a busking bag-piper
working up the nerve
one of them got
to cross the pavement
and ask him what was under his kilt
he said "have a look"
she lifted it up and he was bare
she said
"is that your bag-pipe?"
he said
"yes. would you like to blow it?"
and they walked off together
T-T-T-True story.)

mine was between his calves
I was a little bored at his lack of interraction
so I went hunting through his aura
I was Looking For Li-i-i-i-i-i-ife
what's it like to be Serbian
from Belgrade
speak a slew of languages
having studied at MIT and London and settle in Dubai
what is Dubai like?
I sucked I'm
all the way into me and searched
we both came
I got an inkling

and we talked
layed around
and stirred it up
and came again

at 67
he was impressed
he had never cum so quickly again

we talked more
looked at pictures
followed his path on the iPhone map
and had sex again
it was dry
and I climbed upon him
pushing it out
got a flash of the road near the top of the mountain by Heartwood
the dust after a car passes
catching the light of the sun through the trees
after hiking up the slope barefoot
heading for the airstrip

tit for tat?
did he get that image from my orgasm?
did I imbue him with some essence of myself
as imagine I have with every wasted drop
a way to spend the days
the little price
of interstitial moments
of Life
of my Life
the facia that holds everything together
or used to

now we're floating free
in our American circumstance
forgotten where we're from, where we've been, where we're going
barreling ahead with linear intention
throwing sparks at every turn


thank you mercury

(written on the train 3days ago)
thank you mercury
I guess you're helping me weed out wastes of time
of course I'm not pure yet
but I feel such a clarity
your slowing down
perspective switching

I feel less attracted to sex
to orgasm
desiring more The Friend

I just realized how temporary this is
but it feels good and scary
being with people and not wanting sex
just adoration and loving
just intimacy