April 25th, 2010


imagining loving

imagining loving

I said
"what he does with language is amazing to me... the way he talks about relationships... it's very complicated for him... as it is for me. it's similar. he talks about aspects of being in relation in a way I've never heard before"

and I paused
barefoot in the sun on the roof
broom in my hand
on the edge of terror

he said "well, it's good you know yourself so well!"

"know myself so well, on my own, alone in my own apartment"

I am
with friends
and the men I imagine could be lovers
and the lovers I've had
the lovers I still love

I called one of them on the phone
who I reminded I was a snake
and he falls in love with snakes
one who bit him recently
he's such a sweet mama cow
falling in love with dreams of green pastures
mistaking his snakes for the grass they slide through

it seems obvious to me
the difficulty of loving
how could it not be?
look at this convoluted world we live in!

he said I'd be alright
I always seem to have fun

I told him I like to have fun
but never understand what people mean when they say "I just want to have fun!" or even "I just want to be happy"
these things are effects of doing things
how Try To Be Happy?
life has to be lived.
Happiness and Fun happen
and grasping at them.. does that help?
They mean nothing to me on their own
perhaps i'm cursed with the desire for meaning
I want to understand
rip shit up
chew on
and Have Fun!

but there we are
I go to a party
talk about animal sex
(an enthralled audience)
his two children
how angels love buttfucking
that horrible yogi kid who bitches about everything
a beautiful Lebanese boy from Saõ Paulo
heading down to the mountain tomorrow morning

the birthday boy
another I could be in love with

talking about falling in love with fantasies
what about that French guy?
what about the uraguyan?
the puerto rican?
the Italian?
the German?
the jew?
what about all the other lovers I'm forgetting?
how'm I gonna pick them up and love them
palm up to receive
to accept the dance

work to do first
in my busy schedule (of self abuse)
(and squandered potential)
looking for meaning
making meaning
learning my own language
and how to speak with otherd
in awe