just woke from a dream where I was swimming with a hot daddy bear in a pool with a gigantic crinder In it he'd be nice then try and shove me into the grinder the second time I turned on him and used some Tae Kwon Doe and shoved him in
he survived but it ripped his scalp off which made him then look like the Predator alien thing with dreads around the pate of his bare skull
I had to defend my actions in front of our friends, his sons, and my mother I was generally understood as he recently ground up some frat boy type
in my late teenage years I was in a love triangle two boys and a girl and there were secondary and further auxiliary loves related to us but we were the core my parental model of failed love scared me away from the ideal of satisfaction in a couple and lead me to desperately trying to understand Love and how it could possibly be nourishing and sustainable (that and a heavy dose of breakup pop songs) after a significant acid trip in my 18th summer the idea gestated and took root of three specific nutrients of love
for many years I was always testing my relationships against these ideals and then let that all go
just a few weeks ago I remembered them and had forgot what they were...
yesterday after working on a client for three hours they all came back to me making perfect sense again as if there were no wonder in them (maybe that was why I abandoned them?)
the three aspects are simple: sexual intellectual and existential
sexual: of course you can love someone primarily through sex the perfect fit firing high on passion bodies dissolving into each other remaking, renewing, discovering aspects of yourself previously hidden happily exhausting the heart as in a cardiovascular workout but infusing every cell with joy...
perhaps each aspect could be described the same?
intellectual: the person who understands everything you say can follow every thought complete them where you're stumped inspire you to new directions in your idea's pathways play the perfect devil's advocate with out being annoying or be the ideal audiance to work out your own mind with being equally entertaining as an orator...
Existential.... that was always more difficult to articulate, such is life but it's the person you talk with on the phone tell your daily travails and adventures to the person you eat with the person you walk in a park with or disengage with perfect just watch tv and feel entirely comfortable
of course I often found the relationship imbalanced: a person I loved talking with but they always wanted to fuck and I didn't want to go there
a person to just hang out with be and then I'd get aggrivated he was so intellectually dull
or, likewise awesome sexual partners who weren't good cuddlers or present at all to my mind
of course I imagined a gigantic family of lovers as my ideal model a great sex mate, who spent more time cooking and knitting with another lover and then the ideal conversationalist and artistic partner who had two twinks he was always having three ways with then that big soft dopey mother who I could lay on like a couch and play with his beard, walk through the park with... they would have their ideal counterparts in the same house and we'd all live happily ever after
I came to a point of seeing relationships as too difficult entirely because I wanted to figure out all my kinks all my self deception, dysfunctional truths, all my wounds I wanted to live perfect, happy, productive and free but was overwhelmed and terrified, of course being drawn to men who would try and comfort me into forgetting which was only a temporary fix because my brain would kick back in and I'd start checking to see if they'd honestly solved my problems, which they hadn't, nor even intended to and more so came with a whole slew of they're own which they had in turn shelved or expected me to take on
despite our best intentions that codependent model has never really flown
lazy
but how impossibly difficult with one other person! not to mention the mess I took myself to be
no, no hope for my family ideal, no so I threw out the tertiary construct and figured I'd have better luck shoe-horning second-bests into one candidate
that didn't work either and, tiring of seeing people I loved terrorized by my monster of a heart I gave up entirely (again) on the idea of coupling and now aim to just work on myself crumb by crumb and enjoy the live I can share when and with who is in the right spot at the right time
of course there is a gnawing dissatisfaction with this as well knowing partners are possible but possible as I can idealize them? uhhh or "can I settle for love?"
I have a regular client right now it's been rare for me because I was always traveling or too expensive but right now I have a guy who comes every week and pays for an hour but we're usually together nearer three we hang out and talk and I massage him and teach a bit of my style and he massages me so I've got pretty comfortable with him and today we had a conversation that surprised me not in the subject but in the style
I noticed it had been a Long time since I'd had a conversation like this but yet it was how I used to be all the time when people would often describe me as being intense or... too intense.
now a days I usually just back down drop it let it go still, I know I have a tendency to say harsh and direct things as well as entirely inapropriate comments or subjects my filters are arranged arbitrarily so it's easy for me to ignore them
as I said today I'm not a person who believes in right and wrong... or Truth I understand their functions and the like but I see them all as optional of course to belong to a society one has to adhere to its laws but seeing that I've always felt outside of every society the best I've come to is understanding and following the rules to stay in the flow though they are not in my nature nor in my heart to do so it is a great effort sometimes to remember all the things people are supposed to know innately and to Live them! because I lack these basic understandings and often find them to be against my own inner guidance I have always had to know Why responses and ideas are required in cetain situations the Why is important to pull them off correctly lacking that it's just exhaustive bad fakery
I remember now, speaking in yoga terms, I've always kept my root chakra pretty toghly closed being open there let's all these innate understandings just flow in but I lack trust of the greater society being abused by it as I was in my youth I still see mostly the way we humans abuse and exploit eachother the loving I often forget out of sight out of mind so I fear opening into the common root for fear of being a pawn in the bigger picture
my, how I digress but today's conversation included such gems as "remove the stigma of going to prison it's just an institution like school you have to earn your way into and prepares you, directly or not, for your character in life"
he said he couldn't follow me there though I was presenting it as an idea to entertain, not a truth some people just can't lift out their truths... which is standard and healthy I learned how through practicing schizophenia via Gilles Deluze...
in talking about ending my own identity as a victim at the age of puberty and saying any set of victims could also choose to do that he also couldn't follow
society has always been comprised of a small sect of powermongers who direct order and drive the greater body of slaves when the slaves realize that each of their individual selves is more powerful than those who rule them and they are certainly greater in number then choose to act on it tgat is called "revolution"
perhaps we are two different types of people as I look at history and have no faith in our rulers he still thinks it's worth it to follow their laws and if we could all follow their laws then everything would work properly and we'd all be happy
but we are not made, I believe to follow the laws of another man but to follow our own
perfection is never to be reached yet the flow is directed by our consensus
