February 7th, 2010


no cohesion to my thoughts tonight

no cohesion to my thoughts tonight

drunk straightjewish guy asks me
if it doesn't make me angry to see that guy (Danny) romantacising My Man (Dust)

perhaps ogives off the vibe
coz I do live him
as I love
I love Danny too
I dunno
I was happy to see them touching
cuddling, kinda
dust was stroking his face at one point
but at this point
Danny was behind him massaging his shoulders and all over
Drunk Jewish Guy calls me out
should I be jealous
I try to explain to him I am not that kind of posessive

later, over manhattans
he tells me I do work my jealousy..

I like his intelligence
his ability to see and know the things I often miss
while I do sone of the same
I see a distance
not a disparity

Danny and I were talking
and he admitted to being tired of the ethnic diversity of NYC
which is one of the things so attractive to me
he grew up here
and, I imagine, has had to battle it his whole life for his identity
still, he's more culturally integrated than me
so much so he doesn't even know it

Danny massaged me for four hours last night
I had to tell him to stop
so I could stumble to bed
as I was passing out

we hung out around the house
I decided to tackle my kombucha
and boiled some roots
D grated some Ginger
I made a few different blends
it took hours
it was fun
making potions

late as we ever were
we headed down town to see an artist collective make sculpture
I ditched Danny coz Dust was over it (he got there before us and had already left... we dragged him back
and the paint fumes were a bit much for me anyway...) they sounded like great conceptual artists
this particular manifestation wasn't turning me on that much

Dust and I went to eat at a Thai place on 23rd

I've got money
not rich
but more than I need
and he doesn't right now
I'm allowed to be the sugar daddy
we joke
but it makes me feel good
for all those years I couldn't buy my own dinner or drinks

$30 for drinks at the rawhide was a bit much
and I was told about the importance of understanding that sometimes a daddy can only support one boy

I'm still young enough I'm just a sugar brother
I felt bad
only afterwards
I ditched Danny again
with some guy he told me about
who knocked people out at bars
like my birth brother
but to be avoided
though I had some attraction for him physically
I had no patience left for the context
gave him my card and fled

I really enjoy hanging out with Danny
why did I ditch him twice?

because he spent the night at my house and I'd had enough?

something something
born with a weak heart
I tire quickly

watching the go go boys rub their muscular bodies
offering a sampler
of the full special you can buy privately later
who doesn't understand anything ever?

the party
wrap for the film
felt out if place
but happy to hang with G and D&D
and some other really great people there
and odd drunk people who no one knew who wouldn't leave

what's that like at your own place?

faith it will take care of itself

watching men on the train sleeping on their way home
such thick faces, skulls, noses
his hair so dense and close around his face
like a mythical animal
why's he out alone?
where's he going?

handsome big man just got on
where's he going?

My Man
what would I do with you?

I still imagine I'm preparing
all the time for waiting
but I'm almost home now


a few months ago

a few months ago
I went to the 9th Avenue Saloon
and sat down across from a guy on the corner
I forget his name
-we'll call him Hank-
He talks to me every time I go in there
we aren't really a match
between us was a cute bear
I can no longer remember his face specific
just blurry bar light

we were all talking
I like this bar
I don't find it cruisy
always interesting fellas
good conversations with strangers

this night
cute-bear-guy asks me what I do
talk talk talk
I ask him
he says "I'm a drunk. I drink too much. want to come home with me?"

I'd never hooked up in this bar
but really needed a cuddle on thus particular night:

this was the night before I erased my escort ad, which had only been up a half year
and I never liked how it felt
a bear had been over at my house
amateur stand up comedy bear
who felt mostly like neurotic self-loathing chubby Jewish guy
and made me feel frustrated and tired
he gave me a ride down to a John in Hell's Kitchen
and when I hit there he was terrifyingly HIV meds skinny, bulging eyes and veins
and wanted a bareback-fuck daddy/boy rape scene

he went to the kitchen to pour me a glass of left me in a room with HBO's Hung on
and I freaked out and told him I had to go

he called me ten minutes later and asked me to explain myself
then yelled at me
how rude and unprofessional
yes: that's who I am

I was feeling shakey.

so I went to The Saloon to unfurl and assess myself
it was the only night I went home with someone
I remeber his body in the dim light
he was round, soft, but strong
too drunk to do anything
he flaided around a few scenarios
passed out and snored
I cuddled up
didn't sleep well
but felt very dear

safety in the darkness
a sweetness

in the morning I got his number

but haven't seen him since.

I just txt'd him
but he's uptown at a friends superbowl party
so I'm heading home

there may be a hot guy from Brooklyn waiting to get his dick sucked when I get there
we'll see

Went to the Saloon tonight with my friend Tony
I don't see him often
but our meeting was magical
in Brazil and Oregon
so I'm always happy to have him in my life
addicted as I am to novelty
we didn't really play around today

we'd just cone from eating a 5 napkin Burger
they Were pretty damn good...

before that
we'd seen Ethan Hawk and a few other 80's film stars (Martha Plimpton!) do a bunch of readings from Sam Shepard pieces
Ethan loves him
and has been directing his plays lately

the readings were interesting
some not so good
which made the others even better
which is a good combination

questions afterwards
I said
"it seems Sam isn't that interested in actually portraying humans, but in represting the essence of humanity through characters that are soecifically Not Real, but studies and exaggeration"
and the talking went on

is that how some fiction works?

it's all writing to understand reality, right?
do the Mæstros know what they're doing the whole way through?

before that
Tony woke me at 11
and took me to Queens
to Spa Castle
third friend I've brought here in two months...

it was very mellow today
there were some beautiful men there
it always does me good to see naked people

Russian man with balls hanging down mid-thigh
the beautiful gigantic Dominican man, so dark, a wild beast
made it clear, again, my attraction to bears and beasts are tied:
men like this aren't simply human
they are monsters
centaurs, minotaurs...

I gave out my cards
talked to some beautiful chassidic Jews
tickled one
imagined kissing him
such a face!

sweat, stretched, detoxed, rested

so nourishing

walking into the saloon tonight
a beautiful old Frenchman I want to go home with
I don't think he does that
I imagine his hood...

saw a guy I've had sex with
but not in about a year
he's so beautiful
cute face
beautiful belly
and everything else
standing with a friend of his
who was also coming on to me
made me so lusty

I've been lusty all day!
I even wanted Tony's friend
such warm hands
with the sun in them
just back from Florida...

home now

now what?