February 5th, 2010


this is only now

From: (Anonymous)
Date: February 4th, 2010 01:39 pm (local)
Where's your compassion? They must feel so lost. They'll never know who they really are and they are running out of time. You sound like you hate them . . .but you seem like someone who would love them.
(Reply) (Thread)

there is no

I am reflecting self hatred
we are lost

I hate myself
I do my best

I struggle along my own path, learning how to love
taking the paths I find more than I create

I envy people who I perceive as taking an easy route
yet succeding
I believe true living comes through suffering
and the purity is distilled through the process of suffering, making life more Real

remnants of my childhood, past lives, or perceptions upon this life

I often forget we choose our battles, and that which I fixate on
others find trivial: we all have different points of focus

I may be using this
as many may have
to justify my own wallowing in failure, pain and delusion
but I am only aware it is what I am doing occasionally
and I have not yet figured how to make right actions based on my understandings
so I am yet condemned to suffer

in the realm of suffering
I sometimes glimpse salvation
even occasionally inspiring others to freedom
but mostly compounding my own and inflicting more upon others
I often dream, however, my suffering is a necessary task in existence
and I am doing my part

for i am doing what I do
thus it is my duty
until I am appointed another task
for whatever reason
or none

I am aware
I may decide otherwise at any time
I may understand why, or be completely unaware of the change

but this is now.

is Now.

I was telling a friend about this
a Virgo
masters of judgement
and healing

he told me
when ever he finds himself judging someone in his head
he says to them, in his head,
I Love You
and it is better

I smiled
and said "that's a clever trick"

then used it all day

but again
"sometimes I forget completely"
"unconscious and insane I spill sad energy everwhere"
and I have gone through a long period of silence
which has done me no good
and I am done with now

I only know my life when I tell my story
so even if I am saying hurtful things now
in time I will understand
I have been besieged most of my life by mine sleeping ego
and the hoards of countless others

experiences thought and unsaid
are also benifit when heard
all that is needed to cure a disease is to be fully present to it

this is just a deep inhale

in a long story

what I am grateful for
is I rarely inflict this upon people directly anymore
so I am at least growing in that regaurd
but that it still grows in my garden
requires some tending

this is how we roll

...and then I

...and then I
and then I...

skipped the beard ball this year
hang out with friends instead
try the yoga cycle as Robbin recemmends
starting with standing
then some inversions
then back bends
then forward bends

the idea of moving from the daily world INTO introspection

opposite of what I usually do
in my narcessistic tendencies
I'm always introverted:
I start there and open myself up: building up the skills to interract with the world
then resting in final preparation for That Great Effort

it was nice
we at veal stew, vegetable turrine, brusslesprouts with blue cheese and bacon
red wine

toga feast, right?

so thankful
but really... let's just stay in
cannibalize some roaches
watch Vibes and Sita Sings the Blues

the former: this is the first time I've watched it since traveling to Peru
and the whole thing felt so serious to me
I almost felt like crying a few times
that's also childhood memories
as I watched it Many times around puberty:
before I discovered sex
I wanted to be a psychick

it recently got a release on DVD
I'll have to get it
as my copy is a bootleg I bought on eBay in 05... a VHS transfer

was pretty great
I wish it was only the myth parts...
the way the myth was told was brilliant.. an excellent comment on the story, the history, human nature... and entertaining
the rest of it I found tedious, and fast forwarded through after I got half-way through

it took a while yet to sleep after
I wrote, read, reflected. rested.

first 8hour night in a while
so up at nearly 11
and David made lovely blueberry pancakes with bacon so fresh it had bones in it
brought over by steven...

naked breakfast is a good way to start the day

then met up with Dust in the back car of the C train
to TriBeCa
to a casting for Interview
to Mulberry St
to get brushes and ox horns

everyone wanted me to buy horses
but they would have broken before I got home
I bought a piss-pig instead
(ah... Chinatown)
ate a wierd bacon and scallion bun
and headed to Astoria to see Michael
(dust went home)

we went to a pretty fucking great Greek restaurant
though they were out of Shark
and their retsina wasn't very pungeant ( just tasted like white wine )
their salad, dolmathes and lamb chops were excellent
I was overfed
we walked back to his place
he made the bed
and I fell into a food coma
I rarely nap
I dreampt we had sex
I woke up
we did
he said he felt I really needed release

yesterday at the clinic I was talking with Jackie
I'm mostly oral
and have had a mild sore throat since Ireland
and sex just hasn't been fun
she said "maybe you're curing yourself"

I didn't really enjoy the sex
and felt all edgy afterwards
and just want to go
which I rarely feel like
I like the guy!
but for some reason I became scared of him
which made him try to please me more
which made me want to leave more

he gave me a million things

I left
felt like I was suffocating
called a friend and told him I've been afraid of people's lonliness lately
he said "I thought you liked people who were good at being alone"
I do
but when people want me to be the person they're not alone with...
all of a sudden I found myself not understanding that drive
that fear
I don't want to ever be lonely and needy?
I don't want people to rely on me?
is it just an intimacy thing?

I called this couple that I met a few months ago at a bar
who hired me for a couple massage
who I really loved hanging out with
and hadn't seen since
they lived just down the way
so I called them
went over to hang out
They're the ones who told me to see Sita, one is part Indian/iranees
the other is a hot little Aries Irish German fireball
we sat, had tea, talked, touched
but I had made a plan with a friend to do mutual massage tonight
so I left

on the train now
from Astoria to Washington Heights
just about an hour...