September 21st, 2009


others' understanding

(and a tiredy sinusy photo of me)

oh, I got my wisdom and perception
but more oft than not
I feel utterly flabbergasted by most of life
a few days ago
I was talking with a friend i had always liked for his intelligence
(and taste)
we were talking about a band we both used to like
how the first album was near perfection
and the rest were such trash
he said something like
" I think their market was non-English speaking european countries
because all their songs after that used all the same words from the
first record, but just reorganized so they had no meaning... which no
one would ever notice"

also in all my confusion and awe about the god we all worship
endlessly now
the god I should have known
it was clear as a mediteranean sky to him
how'd I miss that?

I was antagonistic with family today
I don't want to push everybody away
interraction is my nourishment
but fear of future lonliness is just not enough to motivate me out of
being an unending asshole
how do I?

my understanding of celibacy comes from a Russian Othodox Monk I once
who told me he was so grateful
because it gave him the ability to relate to people on entirely
different levels
where before
he just wanted sex with everyone

for me
it's just about removing that component
that option
that solution

so No
no masturbation
no sex
and even no sexualizing people

challenging, yes
but I want to not only test my will
but wonder at what will happen to me with all that extra energy

even tonight
I didn't want to just waste time
I wanted to write


and I notice I have some resentment, certainly a weariness
about being so sexual as a duty
from when I first noticed I was being used as a vessel for Pan for
to my current obligation to cast my pearls before swine
and serve the unappreciative and unrecipricals

I want some time to reset
but I certainly don't want to be asexual for long

I imagine I'll settle into a few F-buddies
or find one amazing person I can have fascinating sex magic with and
focus on that

don't know
not the point

the point is
every day
of difference