a writer reminded me today that being in a boring place is EXCELLENT for writing -- i got a lot of writing done in Indiana and have done nearly none since i've returned
still: i've felt a strong presence since i've returned: i'm Alone
i'm very accustomed to that and the lack of it drives me crazy
when i was younger i often wished for the Proper Friend Lover Mentor something... a partner... Companion
but i traveled for 12 years there was such intense loneliness in that so often i felt my heart breaking looking at the beauty of an ocean or some huge wall in China without that Lover with me it all felt flat
still experiencing majesty Alone is more comfortable and acceptable than sharing it with someone i feel doesn't appreciate it
my Sickness or Disfunction does not allow anyone to meet my standards not anyone Real, i assume so how could i ever enjoy Beauty with a Friend knowing that his heart Resonates with Joy as mine does? if not the same Joy as mine... then at least his own? Joy in the experience we're having. Joy in the Joy i'm experiencing, and he separately. my recent friend, i felt he was only ever happy at seeing me happy not at all understanding what it was that made me blissful
and that feeing of being accompanied by someone who doesn't understand me makes me feel much worse than Alone but Lonely and worse than that Lonely and Occupied which not only makes me feel Bored, but Trapped
thus... now i am Alone i am not lonely but i have noticed it a few times these last few days the feeling of walking through tunnel Alone or seeing Slumdog Millionaire today Alone the sunset on the building outside the window the plethora of beautiful men the music in my head
i'm very Alone right now and i figure it is because i'm not a likable person if spent too much time around -- that is how i feel about most people, so i'm sure it's true of myself
still i'm very grateful to be Alone i feel Free on my own Terms and able to have experiences without the odd feeling of guilt that has been following me around when i felt so betrothed...
New Experiences. . . i can tell he was an Anchor one i fought too hard against i suppose that is not the medicine i need...
yet i hope in this freedom i can come to peace with myself. . .
line from a book i'm reading:
"In the lifelong romance each man has with himself, he should know which vows he's sworn" - from "The Gay Philosopher" by Edmund White
i wrote a lot about my father while i was back in the midwest a few weeks ago an occurance i didn't recount: the last day i was there my father's dentist got in touch with him and told him a spot in his mouth had come back as being cancerous a day later a second biopsy prove to be malignant
a week later i spoke with my father on the phone and he told me he'd had two operations -- he sounded very tired, crestfallen
the next night in talking with my mother she asked me if i'd heard about my father's Cancer of the Mouth and it just fell out of my mouth "serves him right: all the shit he spits out of his mouth, hopefully it will teach him a lesson, but i doubt it"
i've always been the sort who believes Cancer is caused by Emotions more than environmental toxicity
some organ-metaphore of sickness becoming manifest
as i wrote about my father screams a lot and makes people feel horrible at least Us the people He Loves he hurts us the most
of course all the poison pouring out of his mouth must sting him a little each time and over time...
but i don't hold ill-will to my father and it is very important to me that i stay in a state of forgiveness with him
forgiveness and love
after the week i spent with him upon my return so much of him had rubbed of on me the first few days i was back i felt like a natural bigot, racist and misogynist it was so shocking to me that i noticed it in every occurrence
i was raised like that and certainly have remnants of it in my psyche that i deal with at times but rarely do i ever feel it so strongly and Seriously as i did in those few days
--- my father is really not a good influence on me
STILL, i don't wish him any harm
even, when i was talking with a friend (of 75) last night talking about the longevity of our relatives i spoke of my father heart attack, diabetes, cancer of the mouth a part of me just wished he die now so i didn't have to suffer through watching him with the strokes and elderly demential/helplessness some how spare me the guilt of not going to take care of him any longer than a few hours before he expires
Love Love for that man some Kinda Love i do not understand my love... i wish i always say this for years and years i wish i were a better lover.
