January 2nd, 2009



went to sleep at 7am
woke sometime after 2
and couldn't manage to put the pieces of myself in the right order to accomplish anything

for a year now
i've been telling myself
i just need some rest

it's all this socializing! it wears me out!

i tell myself . . .

i had dinner with a friend of mine tonight
visiting from amsterdam
-- i am late to meet him EVERY time i meet him
-- this is not something i plan, but can't seem to avoid
tonight he said he would never make an appointment with me again

i didn't mention that he'd stood me up Twice two weeks ago

as artists
we cannot hold it against our artist friends
if they do not want to come see our art

we must remember
we are really more entertained by ourselves than by anything else

yet he tells me about this show at the MoMa i really must go see

i accepted a client tonight
even though i said i wasn't going to do any last day / first day of the year
but having done nothing with myself all day
i took him

i'd seen him before
months ago
entirely forgot who he was
his voice incredibly slow and mellow

it wasn't until i saw him at the door that i remembered him:
his hairy muscular chest more than his face
but there he was, Yes: Hello.

he took a few puffs off a joint before we hit the bed
and only let me massage him a few moments before we were wrapt in 69
then sprawled on our backs
him saying "i really needed to release that energy"

i'm constantly amazed that people often think of their sexual energy like a waste product
as my father says about shitting "i need to take a dump"
as the boys post on craigslist "i am a cum dump" or "just looking for a pump-n-dump"

but if you're reading this
you may have read the posting i did a year or so ago about me being an energetic garbage man

the silly thing is
everything you feed the swine is pearls
they just don't care.

someone has to

back to massaging him
he tells me
"i really need to get my mind back to where yours is
i've got too much fear
you know, all thise disease
yeah, AIDS and all the other STDs... and Crabs! they're so annoying"

we're both very hairy

i try and continue offering a different perspective
theoretically, and in practice

he explains that he's a psychotherapist
so i realize anything i say is just fodder for him to continue with his monologue

"i suppose i shouldn't be afraid
i only got fucked once, and it wasn't by choice
everything i do is safe
.. well, the riskiest thing i do is 69ing
which, i suppose. . .
i never floss before sex."


i wanted to hear "Rebel Rebel" by bowie (i think it was in my dreams)

i got to hear it

"Rebel Girl" - Hazel Dickens
"Aging Young Rebel" - Ken Nordine
"Rebel in You" - Supergrass
"High on Rebellion" - Patti Smith (twice)
"The Rebel - Johnny Yuma" - Johnny Cash
"05 High on Rebellion" (again)
"Rebellion (Lies)" - Arcade Fire (three times)
"Rebel Yell" - Billy Idol

and then i stopped it.

i never cared when i lived there
but i imagine
that as i get older and older
i'll wish more and more
that i had been James Dean.