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Taking [Pictures] People

one of the things that was very poignant about this week
is how we never touch

it became most noticeable the few times i posted for pictures
we don't touch.
my family.
none of us touch.

it's why my mom and i have become body workers, i'm sure
a context for touching
it's why my father grabs my hand every time i give him a massage (he did again tonight: held it)

when we go to take a picture
we all stand very close to eachother for the picture
then notice how WRONG it feels to be so close and NOT TOUCHING
so we all put our arms around eachother and stand there with [false] smiles

maybe the girls touch more...
one of my aunts (ukranian, in-law) freaked out when she got my mom's gift for the exchange:
a half hour massage
she says she hates being touched, can't stand it
yet whenever she's drunk
she paws me all over

still: even touching is very different than BEING touched.


it's so terribly dissapointing to me
i just wish i could lay around touching people all the time
people i love
i wish i were in a nest or something
grrrr

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yeah, that's totally how i felt growing up like this.
not so much about not touching
but that constant terrible distance
and being trapped: living always only in my head
and hating everyone else for their false securities
secure from me
me outside
argh.

and yeah
i meant to write that last entry two hours ago
but i had to get lost on silverdaddies and blow my load
so much for a week
i tried to share it with the flesh
but what can we do?

anyway
then i wrote that. . .

then i sent to my SD profile and added this:

was just in indiana for a week
gave my dad a massage again
again: he grabbed my hand
but did it in a public room
still felt a strong energy through him. . .

and a few days before, we were alone in a deer blind in the woods
and it felt like it does when i'm with any other man who wants to have sex with me but doesn't know how to broach the subject
... just with way too much context

it makes my heart heavy
such a lonely man
- i don't want to be such a lonely man
yet when i see such lonely men (on here or in real time)
i always want to reach out to them, through them
some how together with them
let them know they are loved and not alone

but i can't be someone's life-line
i'm working on being my own

... i wish i lived in a place of a thousand men
all sleeping in a big pile with eachother
cooking for eachother
massaging eachother
fucking eachother like mad
collapsed in happy piles

or just one man
who made love like poetry
like ritual
dynamic, engaged, empowered

i'm obviously not ready for either
or i'd have both

love ya all,
these are my wishes for the New Year.

growing up in indiana
i shared many things with my mother

asthma
hating my father
feeling trapped
deep pains that couldn't be expressed

and dry hands in the winter

many of these things i've left behind
-- we're all working on it
doing the best we can, really

many of these things i've forgotten. . .

this trip has reminded me of many things
and this is the first time i've been HERE (indiana) in 10 years for a Winter time period. . .
i've only been here a week
and in that time
the backs of my hands became red, rough
last night
i felt a tear
and my knuckle was bleeding
seeping through the deep dry cracks of my hand

i'm so happy i don't have to be here any more.

From: Dima Dubson
Date: Tue, Dec 30, 2008 at 1:25 PM
Subject: I made Trouble and now you can see it

Friends,

here's a brand new music video I made for the song Trouble by Disco Pusher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WWcxO_2BzU
(click on "watch in high quality" underneath the player window)

It has an all-star cast of Camilla Deterre, Bobby Rich, Divya Jagasia, Oleg
Dubson, Lucid Olason, François Leloup-Collet, Sisko, Jean Barberis, Diana
Zwetzich, David Abitbol, Liane Zwetzich, Dominic Vine, Tarynn Wiehahn, Liam
McMullan, Kyle Tregurtha, Clara Kennedy and Joan Crawford.

In addition to beautiful people, the video features candles, chess, cello,
dancing, flowers, sex, and a healthy mix of oatmeal and apple sauce. Well
ok, maybe there's no sex but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

Happy New Year to all of you!

xo
Dima

Full day at the house
Woke at 7:30
Did some yoga
And my sister took me to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned fir the first time in 12 years;
This is the last dentist I saw...

I have some cavities
And useless wisdom teeth that should be removed

I was amazed to learn that plaque firm tartar like barnacles:
Leaching the calcium from the saliva and making stone out of it around the base of the teeth...

Ahhh
Two hours in the dentist's chair!
Then back to the house
Where my mother made bacon and eggs (fresh picked from her hens last night)
Finished the local yogurt
And headed upstairs to help my dad with computer stuff for an hour
Then massage my mom for nearly two
Give my sister some music files ("freaky folk")
Then off to the airport

I convinced them not to park: just drop me off
I was scheduled to depart at 6:20
And had scarcely an hour

Kisses kisses and tears from my mom...

When I went to check in
The computer told me my flight had departed already...
A man looked it up on the computer and said there was no such flight
It had been rescheduled and was meant to have departed at 4:55
... But ended up being delayed until 7:20...
lucky for me, I guess
What the fuck is up with the airlines?

In security
A huge goon with a thick accent ate me up
Shoving me into a new detection device called Elroy
Using two magntes or something to image my entire body

This goon's name tag said "Farnsley"
I asked him how he got such a British name in Indiana...
He ignored me
Looked British
Sounded hoosier

I sat and waited another hour ascrge sun set
Lights kept turning on and off

Now in the plane
Tiny new ones
"labrea"

Waiting to fly. . .


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