December 29th, 2008


Visiting the past

Drving down into Grand Rapids
I've only been here twice as an adult

The roads I drove on
So close
But I didn't know...

My maternal grandmother died when I was 13
I've not been here with my family since then

And the house she lived in isn't the same...
The sidewalk is
I recognize the trees
Though they're bigger
The side door on the neighbor's house
Where we played with Jamie
After his dad left his mother
The other house used to be blue
It's all vinyl siding now

I take a few steps in each direction
Getting a feel for myself...

Where am I?
Who I used to be..,

All these people dead now
My grandmother
Her sister
Her mother---
My mom tells a story of getting to go into her mother's mother's house a few years ago:
A friend of her favourite cousin happened to buy it
A gay guy even..

Her eyes fill up with water as she gets lost in reverie...

I feel a great sadness as well
Akin to what I've felt all week...

Not the sadness of all these people dead
All the chances to love we've missed

Dogs are Everywhere

Dogs are Everywhere. . .

my sister currently has five dogs
two just died off this passing year
she got another back that she'd given away because the owner couldn't take care of it

they fart
they knock over things
they constantly want attention

she says all you have to do is talk to them
but it only barely works when she does it
and has no affect when i do it

my mother talks to her cats and chickens all the time
but this whole talking to animals thing. . .

so all week i've been knocking her dogs out of the way
pushing them around
not to hurt them: i don't like hurting animals
but just using body language

we get home
and i remember why i kinda hate dogs
out in the barn
where their kennels are
they all run in circles
jump around like manics
and bark so loud my ears are aching and my head is pounding

she can't let them all out at the same time or the males will kill eachother
and they'll kill other animals: like the chickens or cats
and i suggest giving one to my friend in TN
-- he'd probably kill his goats.

fucking dogs

i remember coming to the conclusion with one friend
that dogs are like 2 year olds... but they never grow out of it
and they die after a decade or so

how is that worth it?
supreme infantile beings that age super-fast with no reward but constant needy love?
eeewwwwwww, icky.

two of her dogs will probably be dead in the next year or so
old and withered they already are
and the puppies are all full grown now and freaking out full force
-- she'll have a new litter next year.

on other notes
listening to David Sedaris in the car on the way down with my parents
the last hour
after finishing the incredibly long "Call of the Canyon" by Zane Grey
and a short hour piece by Niel Gaiman
all cool
but David Sedaris is so crazy
my parents laughed in the first few minutes
but the rest of the ride was kinda shocked silence from everyone but me
i kept bursting out laughing at things
but also felt their discomfort

yet when i asked them if they wanted me to turn it off
no one said anything

no response from my dad
(too close to home?)

i thought of how David must somehow have the ability to forever be a 5 year old
his voice sounds a bit like a child
and he's SO good at being there
remembering it
and re-creating it

he has his time-travel down
aging while staying a kid.

and then i was also thinking about sex:
i masturbated the first night i left NY
but haven't since
have hardly had an erection
and thought pretty little about sex

i like this
i'm obviously writing more
but i'm getting really itchy to jump back into the flesh pool

all my nights and days are pretty booked when i get back
clients and fuck buds