August 20th, 2008


Portland food

I ate with Sheridan last night
she's vegan
I was very impressed
with mushrooms, seaweed, kale and tempeh
it felt so good
and I felt nibbly again an hour later

my final Portland disappointment
is not getting to any hot springs while being here

so I was walking down Belmont
my old neighborhood
through the rain
I found a Buiscuit restaurant
it was full
so I read a bit under an awning of a near by bar

then went in to eat

egg on top of excellent biscuits
half sausage
half shitake mushroom gravy

mmmmmm for a cool grey day

which I'm happy for
portlant isn't supposed to be sunny all the time

my iPhone camera is fucking up a lot lately



I've always fought against my natural perception of finiteness

as a child I felt so singular and isolated

as I got older and started having sex
I got veryparanoid about people sucking out my life force
cumming too much
wasting my vital essence

of course
studying yoga and Chinese medicine supports that paranoia
and I sometime collapse into the fears of how to preserve my Jing or something...

but occcasionally I meet men
like that guy yesterday
who is 75
and cums many times a day
fucks and gets fucked
and is much healthier, vibrant and happier than most people I know much younger...

I... I wanna be like that.

but we all live our own life

like Spawn
counting down the power we have before we return to the grave

some have more
some are better at preservation and cultivation

but some are unlimited
and ride the waves of joys and pains through lifevwith a smile on their face
( and a hardon brandished high )

is it faith or genetics?
will I always be dispossed to feeling depleted?

must be broken

I sat in Rocco's pizza trying to feel nostalgic
but really
what's great about Portland
can't be had in a visit

maybe I know this; it's something I've learned
maybe I just feel like this right now

perhaps it's true of everywhere:
you only get the heart of a place ( thing?) if you commit to it

you have to BE there

why am I so far away?

I left my heart in new York city
and the pizza here is crap

but out the window I see the ideal of my Portland man

middle aged
full beard
dark hair
nice plaid shirt
black slacks...
he keeps pulling up

he looks really strong
and a bit soft

he walks into Powell's
and I imagine meeting him in the stacks...
ten years ago
when it would have been possible to take him up the block the the bath
in a moment of inspiration
or desperation
... that's what I'm feeling now
just like those days when I first came here
the endless grey and constant rain
walking around these streets
not wanting to go anywhere
but knowing I had to find somewhere
can't walk around forever
or the oil-skin will be soaked through and pull me down

but I don't want to talk with Jerry
I know I never loved him
just wanted someone do simple and beautiful to love me

and similarly
I'm mourning the loss of Trevis and Sheridan
now that I've spent time with both of them again
I know that what we had is really gone
irretrievably Lost
that amazing relationship of tinkering with the makings ov eachother

we don't have that trust anymore
we're all much more alone

it seems only Sheridan is blundering forth hopefully into new loves...

I decide to walk into powell's anyway
I don't want to buy anymore books
and I'm not hungry for a cookie
but maybe I'll feel at home there?

and as I wait at the corner
my Ideal Portland Man walks out
we cross the street at the same time and nod at eachother;
he's gorgeous
a curled mustache, and stylish simple metal framed glasses

I reach the curb and turn back to look
but he's crossing the next corner...
and walks down past Rocco's

I watch after him
and cross down
pounding the pavement to head him off at the next block...

where'd he go?

I walk up the street looking in the shops for him

and there he is in Counter Media
an erotic ( and odd ) art book store

I imagine what I might like to buy
but then notice the Closed sign is up...

he's talking to the shop person
they head to the door and I mock playing with my phone while they get
in their car
then put it down and stare at them openly

a wish as old as myself
I want them to take me with them...

as they drive off
I follow them up to the corner
come into Powell's cafe and get a Ginger brew and some cookies for later

decide to write
because I can't imagine a friend I could tell this to who I'd feel
would understand me

I try and take a picture of myself
but it does it again
it must be broken

but it's what I've got