August 15th, 2008



i'm kinda seething
seething in hatred and seething in lonliness

i've been sitting here working on this magazine for days
in the sweltering heat

thinking that i flew here to be at a hot springs
when i could use it ... so badly..
my skin is a mess, my digestion is a mess
my energy is all fucked up
i've been sick and achy and tired and feeling broken
and there are the hot springs
and fucking diva queens playing in them
and i'm stuck here
because they didn't fucking care that i flew here to be there
i was too late
so what the fuck ever

but i'm not at some other gathering
i'm not joyously traveling around
or seeing old friends
i'm sitting at my fucking computer working on their fucking magazine
a magazine i don't even like
but work on out of some sort of abject guilt

a friend called to remind me of that fact:
that they wouldn't allow me into their gathering
but i'm sitting here working on their rag
and the next issue is about this gathering

now i'm seething in anger
how can i do this?

i hate being a hater
but i just wish i were home

not that i have any really great friends there or anything
i don't have any real great friends anywhere
coz i'm such a nasty hater
but i'm fucking holding my breath in limbo here
and i want to explode.

... for what it's worth.