February 6th, 2008

adoring leaf

... i can see now ...

lazy that i am
i have so much to do here around the house

having had "Last Goodbye" stuck in my head for a few (years) days
i put on Jeff Buckley's "Grace" as i busied myself with my body and my house
in some yoga pose
while "Lover, you should have come over" opening tones blurted out
i realized that something had changed

all of these songs i so passionately resonated with
now are memories

i'm not lonely now.

i'd like to say it's just my new "boy friend"
and you romantics would love to hear that
and though he's a big part of the Actualities of my new state of being
the fact is
i've been working on hard on it for about 9 years
since my first real lover blew my heart to smithereens (i was born with a weak heart anyway)

i've been examining how and why i feel like that
lost in desperation and loneliness
and seeing other people the same
driven by some desperate need to be completed by someone else..
-- and the gentle reminders from the musicians and poets who love me
i moved away from that style of interracting...

i was a terribly lonely boy
and being obsessional about belonging to the masses didn't help
having a real Best Friend didn't help
having the hottest and perfect boy-friend didn't help
looking for a daddy to take me home didn't work

i eventually gave up over and over again
with a heavy sigh
deciding that i would have to learn to please myself, love myself, nourish myself, entertain myself
and as i've peeled off the scabs on my knees and hands (and face) from all those times i fell in love
i've learned i don't need to do that to feel whole

i don't know what i need
maybe i've got it
but i'm just so happy that i don't feel that desperate longing as i used to..

(thanks to bjork, jeff buckley, david byrne, etc..)