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colors @ 01:05 pm

i love philosophizing
but some i find tedious

just recently
someone threw that
"well, how do you know the same blue that i see is the same blue that you see? they might be different colors we've become accustomed to calling the same thing" crap at me

however
last night
while laying next to a new friend
i felt his heart beating
pounding
his breath fast and shallow
i thought "he's so scared... why is he so scared?"
and i asked him
and he said "i'm happy"

and it made me think of my mother
or other people i've known
who burst out into tears
sobbing and crying
and then say "i'm happy"

or the man i fucked a few times in tucson back in 97
who cried every time i was inside of him
and it terrified me
"i'm so sorry!"
i would feel

and had to not call him or see him again because i didn't know how to deal with it
was this some painful abusive memory i was re-initializing for him?

or was he just very "happy"?


and maybe i'm getting Old enough to allow people their own experiences
and can accept that if he says he's Happy
he must be Happy

who's to say that his Happy is the same as my happy?

what i read as obvious fear
is his happy

he's kinda a nervous guy as it is

from the perspective i have on people
new yorkers, in general, tend to be neurotic and a bit high strung
of course
he's a notch up on that
so maybe he's got that rabbit-heart as a base for his other emotions
so the happiness is just too much excitement
and makes him feel like he's going to burst?


it's so difficult to know another
how they say it
how they play it
and the feelings
the waves
and the physiology

how am i to know?

to spend time with
to learn he language of
the customs of

everyone is another country
some my passport is not good for
and
no matter how much i want to live there
... will i always be a tourist?
 

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