March 29th, 2006


last day with Leo

but i didn't get it done
the ljbook page was fuct up somehow
having troubles contacting the lj servers
so i couldn't make the book
which is fine
because this day wasn't in there yet
and the two days previous..
and the two days after

what is a story about being with someone
when it's not capped by absence
which is a limit
a skin
which creates the body of a relationship
the time you spent with someone..

the last CD finished burning with a little "ding"
toast popped up

it was enough to wake Leo at 3:18
i flipped on the light
and it was normal
you know
time to go
he's getting dressed
i'm really fucking tired
the tired of sauna and alcohol and walking and traveling
and he's groggy
but he slept an hour
he's got his stuff together
getting it together
but i remember to give him an extra AIRBORNE for the plane
and change his SIM card back to the USA
and i have to get dressed
to walk him down to wait for the shuttle

he goes to the toilet
and the phone rings
15 minutes early.. but the guy is calling us
prattling on in spanish
i have no idea what he's saying
try to assure him
and hang up

off we go
out the door
down the stairs
the desk guy says something
says something
in his presence
i understand he's saying
that the shuttle can't park
so it just keeps driving around the block
so Leo rushes out
calls the elevator
i give the desk guy the key
he asks if i'll be coming right back
i say "yes"
and we head down

empty streets.
cop cars pass by
night people


i put on Leo's big coat
up his collar
furr in my view
he calls me Kenny

and here comes the shuttle

like tearing reality apart
he loads his stuff in the back
there are two other sleepy people in the van already
the driver is all business
i give Leo his coat
i give him a hug
and he climbs in
lights off
van pulls away


maybe i will go get a drink
or walk in the night air

i approach the turn for Infantes
and there is the same asian lady that was there hours ago when we were coming home from the bar
her card board boxes
plastic bag
crowning the can of beer or soda; candy bars
but this time it's not a friendly good night
this time she asks me in a meek way if i'd like

i say no
more with my body
and head towards the bar to see if it's still open.

to walk by that lady on the corner again at 4am

she's been standing there since 1
probably before
and how much longer?

she didn't have a computer to play with
south park to watch
Leo to cuddle with
she just stood there?
offering Cerveza y Comida to any passer-by?

i walked passed her
down the street
but the bar was closed
so i walked back
but this time
i rounded her
not looking at her
imaging her a kiosk... some building she was housed in, was she
was her card board box and plastic bag
headed up the street

i can sleep now.

lucky me.

but back in the hotel room
now with Leo gone
the whole place seems so strange
is it desperate or just foreign?
my stuff strewn around
the linoleum...

all in all and all in all

stick a bee's wax candle in an empty... water bottle
have a little flame to carry me to sleep.


no breakfast
rushing around
orange juice
Madrid: boring.
trouble finding sauna
convenience store
trouble finding dinner
incredibly cute
possessive guy still on the hunt
incredibly cute
south park
cigarette kidd

29.3. Wednesday. i'm on my own. i'm having fun. this is great.

woke near noon
empty room.
feels Odd now that Leo's gone
like i don't understand why i'm here
never in hotels by myself

i have to push through that
so i muck about with things
set up the computer
and set about to finish off the stuff left open
close things down
.. gonna meet up with that german guy today at 2

and time wore on quite quickly
and the computer was so fucking tired (i'd not restarted it in a month)
that it started locking up: clock gone
my watch beeped it was 2 already
so i had to run!

but it was only a minute or two from the hostal
and he had just got there himself
so great

it was a beautiful sunny day
here i am
whoever i am
wherever i am

J takes me to Vesuvius
good pizza
fresh made
got mine with spinach, garlic, egg and mushrooms
it was really good

then what?
walk through the park?
he takes me for a walk
it's a nice long walk
there's a really fucking big park in Madrid
the historical stuff is fake, though

but the park is beautiful
and everyone's cruising
or high on something

poor straight world.

i pee in some bushes
we sit on a bench
he says it's time we got back to his place to have sex
so ok
he walks me back there
nice new area of town to see
road work everywhere

and it's all very pragmatic, of course
but it's nice
he's a very sexy guy
great furry bigness
he doesn't like his body so much though
and that always makes it less fun
some sort of disconnect
and then it's like three hours of talking politics
and damn
i love germany
but talking politics with a German about the war and the US current president
and national pride and how people get convinced to do terrible things
it's not a fun conversation in any way
and i keep glancing out the window thinking
shouldn't i be out enjoying a new city?

so i decide it's time to go
but i'm locked in
have to walk back up
beautiful old building
wood steps
and the first flight is all worn down...

he lets me out
and i walk my way
simple enough
through the city
back to Chueca

i'm going to go have a beer
a nice rich beer
then i'm going to sleep for an hour or so
then i'm going to go back out
explore some other bars maybe, yeah

but i go to HOT
and the place is empty...
i decide to buy a beer anyway
2 for one, you know
2 X 1
i sit and drink and look through the gay rags
try and figure out that daddy bar martin had told me about
where is it?

people start to trickle in
and i notice potato chips and beer go really well together
so i get my second beer
and there is this kinda old daddy guy kinda cruising me
and he goes down stairs
so i go down too
but he looks kinda boring
and on the porn TV
is H.C.
a guy i saw in porn about four years ago and fell in love with
sucked his dick eventually
played with him ... oh, it's all too clandestine, i'm not going to mention

what can i do?
if Leo were here i could point and laugh and say "i sucked his dick!"
his big hands
H looks like he's sleepy, underwater, disconnected or confused in this video
as far as i know he likes boys
and this is a daddy video
maybe he's bored?

there's a cute kinda chubby boy sitting next to me
i ask him if he speaks english
and he does
so i tell him:

That guy? --- i sucked his dick.

i tell him a little of the story
and we get to talking

he's a sweetie
airline attendant, you know

and down comes a rollypolly dark skinned short chubby guy
so cute
so the boy goes up stairs
and the boring daddy goes up
and the rollypolly and i look at eachother
and go into a cabin together and play for a while
he's Irving from the Dominican Republic
i just had to write that. Irving.
he's so cute
and we squeeze eachother and lick eachother all over in the red light

you know what i love best about fast food sex?
making it an epic.

standing up sex
i hold him
and the hottest thing about it
what makes the soft moaning
is his head against my chest
which stays there longer than five minutes
not too quick
(though he does cum twice)

when he leaves
i go back up
and now the bar is filled with beautiful men!

and there is this very beautiful man
very beautiful
and we're looking at eachother
i'm shy
i'm coy
but not that coy
we start talking
he speaks no english
though he lived in Brooklyn for two months spread out over two years
he tells me
and yeah
i understand
we are
after all
having a conversation

the cute boy bops by real quick
their friends
we all make jokes and talk a bit
he says his name over and over
but i'm missing it
Joacquim... but not like that at all
there's the growl in there somewhere
starts with a J/G, but kinda hard
i can't get it
maybe i'm too drunk already?

we're very friendly and smiling
but he grabs me
he takes me down stairs
and we go at eachother like...

he's beautiful
what can i say?

licking everywhere
the hugging
the depth of it all
the desire
well he wishes
but he gets
and over and over
the way bodies can fit together

i just wanted a beer

he's gotta meet a friend for dinner, it's his (friend's) birthday

i stay down stairs a bit
watching the hot fat-guy porn
big furry guys
never ever have i been in a bar before that plays fat/old bear porn like this
this is the same bar, HOT, that played the Pulp album a few days ago
or was that yesterday?
oh, and now they're playing Beck's Guero
this place is fucking great

and i'm sitting on the stool
but over there
a boy is over zealous about seducing a daddy
the daddy looks almost embarrassed
maybe he's just playing coy?

but he's a sexy daddy
really big belly
thick legs
the boy keep grabbing his cock
must be something to hold on to

i'm tired and want to go home
but the daddy is looking at me
he's staring me in the eyes
between flirting and playing with the boy

so i go and sit on the other side of him
put my hand near where he could touch it
but he doesn't
though he makes himself open to me

odd energy here
but it's attractive...

his face is heavy
not just wrinkled
but deep and fat
big heavy lips
bags under the eyes
big old grandpapa face
big hands
rings on
laughs like a farmer

he takes the boy by the hand and takes him back into a cabin
the same one i'd been in with Irving and Jacaswoeoosomething.
the boy closes the door
but the daddy opens it
enough so i can see
looks at me
and then they start playing
the daddy makes sure he's on the side where i can see him clearly through the door
and i'm really hard at this
it's so hot
the daddy is kinda performing for me
and it goes on quite a while
before he makes the boy eat his butt
and he grabs my hand and puts it on his cock
not his cock
that's not the important thing, his hand says
but the balls
and his cock is nice, not long, but nice and thick, pointed
but the balls are huge
big fucking daddy bull balls
i hold them while he pushes against the boy's tongue
and there's mock fucking (daddy topping boy, of course)
and lots of sucking
but obviously the daddy isn't really all that turned on to the boy

other people come to watch
push the door open forcefully
stupid fucks
don't they know there are bodies in there and they're fucking up the energy!
i push them away
they grab at my cock
i push them away
i have to walk away

i come back and move in slightly
petting the daddy's butt and back
squeezing his muscles a bit...

another big bellied daddy is watching me in the hall
but doesn't want me to touch him
i'm watching the daddy in the booth
and he's keeping eye contact

how long does this go on?
an hour or more?
until the daddy opens the door
and invites me in
the boy isn't too thrilled
but the daddy is
and the daddy wants to try out my mouth
of course
he is amazed
pretty impressed
i can feel it coming up so quick
so he makes me suck the boy a while
who has a long thin dick

i do it for daddy
then i stand up
and the daddy wants me to fuck the boy
places my dick there
the boy's body tells me he doesn't want it
so i fake it
would have anyway
fake it for the daddy
who's getting his dick sucked
must not be very well
coz he can do it and do it

most guys are lousy cock suckers.

the daddy pulls me back over
strokes me
likes it
has me suck him more
this goes on a while
it's funny
he's wanking himself
holding on to me
and when he's ready
he pushes the boy away
and pushes me down onto his cock to get his milk
well, thanks daddy

when it's over
(I cum, pull it up inside my self, pressed up against him)

we start talking
i cannot participate in
so they say good bye to me
and i go back upstairs

too much
too fucking much
i go round the corner to el Paso bar
which J had told me was good
but i don't like it
and down my two beers as quickly as i can
no thanks
i stumble out

oh shucks
i'm pretty drunk now

up the street
i see a place called "Falafel King"
and i have been looking in all these Turkish restaurants for real lamb
this one looks like it's got it

so i buy one
and it's so fucking good

food orgasm

i'm sure it's all over my face
i stumble out
and walk around a bit
walk the food off a bit
i go back to the hostal
and sit a bit on the computer
i think i called Arthur, poor guy
to have to talk with me drunk
did i talk with my mom too?
Leo on his transit almost home...
stuck in the SFO airport waiting for the last leg of his flight up to Eureka...

but really i'm too tired

so i put myself to bed before 2..