March 22nd, 2006

one day

day in barcelona

i woke
wondering if it was 5 am
or 10 am?

changing shapes

he felt a bit business-like this morning
lots to do
but i must touch him
must massage him a bit
and the sex happens again
more to the point this time
still beautiful
and grateful

so i SMS Leo
and tell him where to meet me:
in front of the Church

take a shower
and have some Tea
it's been lovely
but i must be gone
see you next time i'm in town?

i walk down to the church
Throngs of tourists

where's Leo?

whenever i'm on time
the person i'm meeting is late.

so it's 10:45, he's 15 minutes late
and i call him

he's totally turned around

i've been the navigator the entire time we've been traveling
so i feel he's just slid into following me around
i thought it would be nice to have him discover himself through the city to me

but instead
i tell him to wait for me back there
at the Café we ate at yesterday, we decide
and i get back on the Metro
easier this time
i meet him
sit and have an omelette sandwich with him
a cup of tea
then back to the room
unloading the new phone stuff from my pocket
taking my jacket off

so strange
to go from wearing the big down coat under the orange rain jacket
with long underwear
and three shirts
dropped the Long Johns in Italy
the three shirts and the down coat on the ferry
and now i'm wearing just one shirt, my safari jacket
i wear the orange rain jacket out
but it's too beautiful
and i forgot my camera

Leo waits for me
as i go back
and leave the jacket behind

when i meet Leo he tells me Bush has decided to shirk his responsibility for the War in Iraq
saying it will go on til the presidency is out of his hands
and the next president will have to clean it up
how American

we head off down Casanova
following the map through the streets
til the grid dissolves and we're in the midaevil part of the city
the old walled city..

we spend a few hours walking around
get to go up on the roof of the Old Cathedral

but i was feeling kinda tired
kinda ill even
and Leo's feet were hurting
so after a few hours
we got on a Metro
that happened to drop us off one block from that Sauna
and went in again

i just needed some healing time
but a million beautiful spanish Daddies... what could i do?

the men are very appealing to my eye here... in Spain, not just the sauna
i see so many beautiful faces
longish hair
longish beards
the eyes
the skin
thick, stocky men
wow, what will bear week be like here?

but in the sauna today
i feel like i just need to rest
but i'm snatched up immediately
a very furry guy
but he just really wants me to fuck him
and it freaks me out
shows up my weakness
my danger
i'm scared
i'm very sad
he's driven


i finish him off
and have an interesting connective burst with him
then shower
and there's another beautiful face
another beautiful man
and he takes me to a room
and it's the same
he's beautiful
but so insecure about his dick
he won't let me touch it
it's little, yes
but every time i reach for it
he covers it
shields it with his hand
it doesn't get hard
and it's tiny
and he just wants me to fuck him
and has no condom
i'm scared
and i'm so sad
and i'm so sad.

i don't want to know this
i don't want to remember this
i just want to heal people
heal myself
heal the world
am i broken?
are my tools shattered?
am i all wrong?
what am i to do?

he lays
staring into my eyes
desperate love
and speaks no english
i speak more spanish than he speaks english

we go up to the bar for some water
he drinks Coke
and Leo is seconds behind
with a bear-boy
a type i have identified as the cub-equivalent of the party girl
who has the bear tattoos, you know
the nipple rings
the perfect facial hair
those doey eyes
and are just focused on collecting the hot men
and making money
-- this guy loves Las Vegas and LA
and talks about pyramid schemes he uses to make money
and the bear organizations he sets up parties for


i'm sad
i'm disconnected

i leave the beautiful man i can't communicate with
and go looking for more
but it's sad
all of a sudden
all the beauty is sad
i am a pariah or something
a secret pariah
what am i to do?

i go to the sauna
and there's sex everywhere
a beautiful black boy wants me to suck his dick
and a heavy big bellied furry daddy wants me to suck his dick
and a tall fit thick-dicked older daddy wants me to suck his dick
and he takes me to a cabin
and jacks off while holding me
grinding his teeth
that awful sound
(bang bang)
the grinding of teeth!
my jaw, my teeth hurt just now thinking of it!
he cums
i cum
what am i doing?

i go to the sauna
and try to sweat it out
but i'm too tired
it's too hot
the sauna behind the sauna
ignoring the men wanting sex
i go shower

Leo comes and asks if i'll sit in the hot tub with him
but i don't want to smell like that

he wants to sit a while longer
good for his legs

i go back to the sauna
the beautiful black boy comes in
and kisses my chest
i tell him i need to focus on yoga
but he can watch
so he does
he sits and admires
while i do
down/up dog
down/up dog

and then back to the cold shower

Leo and i check out
walk down the street
i stop in an grocery and buy two bottles of water
one is almost gone by the time we get back to the hostal
but there is a bar the bear-boy had told Leo about
so i send Leo to that bar
and drop off the stuff at the Hostal

then go back to the bar
... thinking it is going to be a quiet "bear night happyhour" at a bar
i walk through the door
and it's PACKED

beautiful men everywhere!
oh no!

i rush into the crowd
looking for a gap to buy a beer
-- they had great dark beers at the sauna

some kid says
"it's Jesus!"
and i make eye contact with him
and he's terrified when he sees the look in my eyes
"i'm so sorry! i didn't mean that to be an insult, i didn't mean to be mean, i'm so sorry. you're beautiful. you have a very interesting look. please do not be insulted... i just don't ever seem someone like you"
i accept his apology and tell him no hard feelings, i just get it all the time

where's Leo?

i get a beer
of course
this is a gay bar
they only have Schwill.
look at all these beautiful men!
the hottest, roundest, furriest, daddiest, bearist guys are talking to women
of course
where's Leo?

i walk back to the front of the bar
he's there
right by the door
we missed eachother
he's with the bear boy
so we're talking

when we were leaving the sauna
i SMS'd a guy i'd met on bear411 (i think) three years ago
a cute bear from ecuador
i emailed him a month before i left NYC
and he gave me his number
so i messaged him
told him i'd be here for a drink
he said he'd meet me
and he walks right in as soon as i'm up front

he talks with his friends

we go upstairs in the back
where it's quiet
and talk

he wants to travel and be free like me

what do you say?

you have to give up comforts

he has, he says

you have to believe in yourself
but more so
you have to believe that there is someone who loves you that is helping you

i say
my life is a story
and it has to be interesting
and though i am the writer
i am also the character
as the character
i have to be blind to things
to be surprised
to keep the story interesting for myself
and the other readers
so i can play the part
as the writer
i am infinitely powerful and knowledgeable
but i don't know that
i have to trust it

i tell him i made the decision when i was about 18
that i hated money
and didn't want to pay for my life with Money
i wanted to pay for my life with my life

that most people spend an inordinate amount of time doing things they wouldn't do otherwise, but they get paid
time of your life = money
then they take the money and try to make their lives more interesting with it
i cut out that whole middle step
and went to make my life interesting by paying with my life

only recently have i been able to include money in my life in a positive way

even that has the same pitfalls everyone else has with money
just not as deep.

(really? __)

so Leo comes up
the bear-boy having left
and i leave the two to talk
as that boy who called me Jesus
then gave me a free drink ticked when i walked back past him coming up stairs
he said he was leaving and wanted me to have it
free vodka
but it was a cooler, you know
the guy was out of smirnoff
so gave me a bicardi breezer

R. decides to have dinner with us
and takes us not to an expensive restaurant
but a spanish place where all the bears eat
good food
lots of food
pretty cheap

i eat eggplant covered with strange meat blend
and rabbit!

Leo eats muscles and lamb


a beautiful tall guy sits alone at a table behind us
Leo says he was attracted to him immediately when he saw him in the bar
they were flirting with eachother

we were out of wine
i told Leo to go sit with him
he was sitting alone!
and had a whole bottle of wine he'd love to share..

the guy turns around and looks at me

"and," i say " he understands english well, so you won't have trouble communicating with him!"

i'm very giddy
from the sauna and beer and drink

but Leo is shy
in situations like that, i guess

he goes to the toilet upstairs
then comes back down
to talk to the handsome tall man...

but comes back to our table quickly
the guy is deaf.



like any other deaf guy i've meet
they can't afford the luxury of ignoring their feelings like us talkie folk can

dinner's done
we head out to the After Dinner Bear Bar
which is three doors down from our Hostal

i spend the next hour or so continuing the Lecture of Traveling for my friend R
it feels good to be able to give some instruction on something i know well
and i hope what i tell him is useful
but at this point
i've drank too much
and don't remember the details

the bar is pretty empty
but it fills up slightly
interesting folk

i drink a fernet
order a jack daniel's for Leo
the guy puts a huge ice cube in there (just one, as Leo likes it)
and pours easily three or four shots in there

before the night is over
Leo has drank three or four of those
cuddled with the beautiful deaf guy
but chose not to go home with him

while i talked with an american from near san diego
who identified me as Californian
and told me he couldn't be bothered to speak spanish
doesn't even speak english well

attractive to me
in that
"ah, back home" kinda way
would i like this guy as a friend?

he introduces me to a Croatian friend of his who's a writer
handsome fellow
who writes down a few croatian authors i could read
he tells me he's not a writer
just a journalist
has no book in him
what he would like to write
he couldn't
so he won't waste his time writing a book that doesn't need to be written
we get into a discussion about this
and i'm smoking cigarettes with him
and drinking another Fernet

but by the time Leo's friend leaves
and Leo's over by us
he starts dominating the conversation
and i notice i am expired

so i stand up
and say good night
leaving no room for discussion
i walk out the door

over to the hostal
unlock the door
take the lift up two floors
into our room
grab my computer
start to down load email
post things
look up train schedules
think of calling my family
and the battery dies

Leo gets back

into bed
somewhere after 2...