March 16th, 2006

nose

...sort of day

because we were out late last night
it was even harder to wake up this morning

that being said

i had to be awake
something pulled
earlier than lately

at 9

i drank water
went to the WC
drank more water
and came back...
to write.

we ate some breakfast
today being the first day we were called on our shit for not delivering the breakfast tray to the hall table by 11, which is the hotel's request
fine
i made a sandwich for later
of all the meat
cheese
butter
and the two slices of thick dark bread.

around noon
a guy i had talked with from the internet in NY came by
as fate would have it
he is teaching and studying here
a professor of ancient languages
had a lot of interesting things to say
though i would swear his name should have been Chris

Leo and i were groggy
having not really eaten breakfast
and being slightly hung over
tired
what is this that makes us so tired?

we went for lunch at a typical czech place
had standard beer
goulash with dumplings:
today is the first day i've seen bacon dumplings
everything seemed sticky

i put my glasses on so i could look at the czech men
Leo commented a few days ago on how much style people have here
and it's true
like the turn of the last century in London or something
that grey mustache that cuts into the sideburns
wow
these people...

the conversation quickly turned to how shitty the world is
you know
the politics
the money
the pollution on the planet
the apathy
all that shit we're sick of hearing
sick of saying

_ made a joke as he left the table " i'm off to take my prozac "

we walked around the Jewish Quarter
Leo complaining he didn't want to walk today
so everything was even more slow

places kafka lived
and yes
though he was czech
he wrote in german
which made sense of my confusion
i've realized over the last few days how much my litery tastes were formed by eastern europeans
but i forgot Kafka was Czech... coz i remember him having written in german

he had is reasons
i was told

everything was at an odd angle today

we walked around
and i became fascinated by textures
falling out of attention with both Leo and _
taking pictures of rotting walls
crumbling buildings
and beautiful decorations

i thought of Arthur
and how much he would like all this art deco... and art neuvo
it's all that chintz, but with so much more class and life
like everything translated into simple consumer items in the US
these idols who gave birth to tsotchies
(i don't think i spelled it right even now... but i'm at an internet cafe and don't have my resources)

eventually
we headed back to the old town square
just in time for me to buy some flourite beads
then see the astronomical clock go off at 4
... nothing too impressive
but the crowds...
aside from being paranoid of pick pockets
some girls asked if they could pose with me for a picture

i let them.

we said goodbye to _
and i took my lap top to a local internet cafe (this one, actually)
because they have WiFi
i posted a few things i wrote of the last two days in Berlin
but i haven't yet wrote the days of prague
but for this one...

because after that
i rushed to find a movie theater

... a few days ago i found a flyer for films in March
and
luckily enough
a film by Jan Švankmajer called
Šílení
(Lunacy)

was playing
with english subtitles

i saw many of Švankmajer shorts and a few features when i was younger
but it's been years..

an old friend coming back with Mercury

i was transfixed...

like the brothers Quay's "Institute Benjamantana"
it was a horror film of self consciousness
lost in confusions
people with strong beliefs battering the protagonist
who is mostly just being washed around by the waves of his hopelessness

what was the story saying?

something about the extremes of all our living
... i can't say i fully understood
i was made to feel uncomfortable (by the De Sade scenes as much as the Animated Meat.. .and the Sanitorium scenes)

which is odd for me
as i usually feel complete comprehension from even the strangest of movies
but this one
i didn't know exactly what he was saying

something about the body
how we get packaged and controlled
beaten down and destroyed
losing ourselves
and being turned into pieces of animated meat?

something like that
and my own urges were pulling me to the bath house

many points in the movie i wanted to masturbate

and even now
i don't feel horny
i wanted to come and write a bit
but my body is pulling me
whatever bodies do that for

whatever bodies do...
sketchy

sauna after Lunacy

so i walked out of the internet cafe
which was right around the corner from the sauna
and went in
shortly before 22:00

i got there
looked around a bit
but pretty much went directly into the steam room
then went down stairs

no one really interesting in the cabins
but i saw a horny old guy in the porn room that looked kinda nice

still
i walked away
looking, too early here to pursue anything...
but that old guy walked past me
... we looked at eachother
smiled
touched
hugged

went to a cabin
and it all started pretty quick
he wanted to fuck me
nice dick
not huge
but quite thick at the base
he tried and tried
but couldn't stay hard enough
so he pushed me down on my back and went to sit on my dick
.. probably because of all my fears about this and the fact that i haven't fucked any body raw for months
i freaked out and pushed him off me
cuming pretty instantly
thankfully
not inside him

then he stood up and had me suck him almost until he came
then he jacked himself, but he didn't really shoot
just filled his foreskin with cum

we hugged
went up stairs
showered
and sat in the jacuzzi

something nice about cuming right away
we cuddled in the water
and another older guy i had seen when i first arrived and was showering
sat down right next to me
and we started cuddling
and a big older chubby furry guy i'd see in the steam room
he was also in the tub
and grabbed my foot
and started massaging it

the old guy i had played with already
he was sweet
but endlessly horny
kept jacking me and trying to stick his fingers up my ass
which i don't really like anyway
but he had sharp nails

it was annoying
i kept having to grab his hand and pull it away
but over all
it was great
to sit on his lap
lay back against the british guy
caressing eachother
all over
not just genitals
then getting my foot massaged..

eventually
this skinny tattooed 40-something german guy got in
who was really horny for me
kept pushing his foot against my balls
had a bottle of poppers in his hand
kept trying to get me to get out of the tub with him
now i had three guys on me!
i didn't want to get up
i tried to explain to him that i'd just cum and was chilling out
but he wouldn't stop
he got closer
with his poppers
grabbing at my dick

fortunately
the old guy i'd played with stepped in
and started fingering his ass in the same unpleasant way
until he left

i probably spent about 45 minutes like that
just luxuriating in sensual relaxation.

then i got out
showered
and went into the sauna
sauna'd for a long time
getting really into yoga
really into sivasana

when i left there
took a long shocking cold shower
then went to sit in the jacuzzi room in the chairs there
just to cool off, come to balance

ready to go..

as i sat there
i came into an almost hallucinatory state
everything flowing
i suddenly came back into a full recall of an acid trip i had when i was 18 with T&S at my parent's house..
after being awake all night
i walked outside bare chested
and looked at the sky of sunrise
and for the first time
saw the sky as the atmosphere
saw the clouds as part of the system, the skin
and FELT my whole body fully as part of that same system
feeling the weight of my body
the breath
feeling the muscle on me, the fat
how i could have a perfect balance of fat and muscle
enough to keep me a certain warmth, and have a certain amount of excess energy
but just the right amount
feeling the potentiality of everything coming into the perfect balance of the flow of the entirety of the system of the world we live in
i saw a circle that was my being
a complete circle with one opening
the circle being made of all my story, beliefs, thoughts, questions, answers
the gap:
the God-Shaped-Hole
any question
asked enough
leads to a Question Mark
a place where no answer can be uttered
some people fill it with money and drugs and self-satisfaction
some hedonism
others
different spiritualities

i later realized that gap as the key to mortality... and immortality
if either end of the circle were connected to a belief in the infinite
life would flow in and out of that: endlessly
and the system that we have identified as "AIDS" and that nature that is destroying our reality ( like "the nothing" in "the never-ending story" )
was a sealing of that gap with the idea of individuality, Self...

(HA!)

coming into this state of being
i brought it into my present
fully
i was aware of... everything.

i got up to walk around the sauna
amazed at how different my body felt
how heavy my feet were falling on the floor
just seeing everything
smelling things
the dramatic increase in awareness of the different levels of reality..

and this boy had been cruising me the whole time i'd been there
and i'm not really into boys

he was kinda hot
beefy
just not really my thing: shaved face and body
a little too normal

but there i was
showering one last time before leaving
and he starts talking to me in the shower
then places his hand over my heart
and starts moving with my energy
i was amazed!
right here in the showers
just being open to reality calls more beauty...

he told me how he'd lived many places
the company he works for is based in Spain
been in seattle, new york (state)
he appologized
said his energy wasn't pure
as his uncle had died that day and he'd been drinking
... but no one's energy is Pure...
he smiled and hugged me

interesting
interesting

we went into the sauna together
sat and talked

he smiled at me and said
"you are familiar: we know eachother"
and i quickly wracked my brains to see if i'd met this kid before..
no no, not him
but a boy
yes
him
in another person
that kid Michael in Switzerland years ago
same thing
' yes,' i said, ' but not in this body '
he laughed
we kissed
it was all very sweet
staring into eachother's eyes

he said "let's go down stairs"

and we went to a cabin

but the sex very quickly got gross
me on my knees sucking his dick
him saying " yeah bitch, suck my dick. suck my dick Bitch "

i hate that shit
then he's turned me around and wants to fuck me
starts
then stops
asks if i've got a condom
leaves
goes to find one

goes
goes
leaves the door open
people looking in
me
in the midst of confused horniness
this doesn't feel good
but now i'm horned up
and now what?

where is he?

what am i doing?

i start to come back to consciousness
and i get up and wrap my towel around myself, walk out the door
... he's looking in another cabin
and i go to walk past him
he grabs me, pulls me back
takes me back into the cabin
puts me on my knees
and it's that "suck it bitch" thing again
then he's putting the condom on
with his cock against my ass
and pushing too hard too fast like the young do

i tell him i can't do this right now
he says "yes yes" but tries to convince me
and keeps pushing
so i get up to leave
he takes off the condom
"sorry sorry"
and it's sucking
and "bitch again"
he pushes me on my back
lifts up my legs
and says
"i'm going to fuck you"
and goes to shove it in
no condom now
i throw him off
and kiss his cheek:
' good bye '

i go up
shower

sauna
rest
stretch
release

shower
rest

and Leave.

oh well.
i still carry my presence with me as i walk the streets back to the hotel
where Leo is mostly asleep
with the lights still on
drinking wine
telling me he's been "trying" to wait up for me
which means he's been sleeping un fit..

he tells me about the boy he's spent the last few hours with
as this was our deal
i went off to see the movie
and he used the room to play with a czech boy
who was just the most beautiful and most wonderful
and mostest bestest
happiest
and boring
what the fuck do i care about someone who's a banker
with a normal hairy cut and a perfect muscular smooth body
and a LTR with the first guy he ever had sex with?
boring

and i'm angry because he's enjoying rubbing it in to incite jealousy from me
which is a game we play
but sometimes i'm not in the mood

he says the boy told him about Tantric massage
and how i should give Leo one..

it just falls out of my mouth
i say
' that's entirely a situation of Pearls before Swine...
you're a pig
you're into pig sex
and the intricacies of Trantric energy doesn't interest you
i've tried to teach you yoga in the years i've known you and i know that's just not your thing..
it's like what people say about teaching a pig to sing
: it wastes yr time and annoys the pig '

Leo's quiet a bit
but then tries to convince me he'd like to learn
i'm annoyed
and feel nihilistic
like things never move and change
like i know the answer to this already
and it's not going anywhere

eventually
i convince him to stop talking
he's tired
he snores
i lay there a while
... til i fall asleep.